Collision of Seasons

I want to be a collision of seasons. I want to be those snow flakes and vibrant red leaves careening toward each other like destiny. I want to feel the pull of the wind and let it take me to where I want to go, to where I need to go. There are two constants in this metaphor. I'm the leaves, changing into the future. God is the wind, picking me up and carrying me away. The one that changes is the snow. Sometimes it's love. That bright, shining, lustrous snow-love that brightens the darkness. Sometimes it's the future filled with challenges and beauty and glory.

Today, it's that snow-love.

When I see him, I want to feel the collision of seasons. I want to feel as I did today looking out my window, staring into that soft and harsh world of change and breathtaking... destiny. I want to feel that rush of realization. The realization that here is where I'm supposed to be for the time being, but it's not my future. That there is something more, and that something is staring me right in the face.

To look him in the eyes is what I've wanted for a long time. But now I have become determined. I will not let my self loathing stop me any longer. I will teach myself to forgive myself. I will remember my worth and embrace it. My worth will never change, no matter what I do. No matter how many mistakes I have made.

So I will go forward into that whirling vortex of snow flake and leaf. I will improve myself and help others in their lives as long as Father wants me to. I will live with the hope. The hope of those leaves and snow flakes. The hope that maybe, in that expanse of universe, there is someone careening toward me as I tumble toward them. That maybe, we'll meet soon.


And I'll see the color of his eyes.

Autumn

A while ago I thought up the seasons in categories. Spring for transition; summer for pain and trial; fall for peace; and winter for growth.


But I don't think my autumn will be for peace.

I think my autumn will be a time when everything depends on nothing.



I get to go to therapy soon.


Sometimes I wonder if I need it.


But I am wondering about everything, nowadays so I guess that doesn't really count.


At least I have been able to reaffirm my faith in His Existence.

In His Grace and Kindness.


Even if I question His love.


If I have a hard time loving myself, how can one such as He love me?

I have the irrational notion that if my mother dies, I lose her love. If I leave, I lose her love. My bad qualities will be exploited, just as they are with everyone else in the family that is out of the house.

You can get so annoyed with someone you do not see everyday.

Who you cannot see and converse with to reaffirm their goodness and happy things.

When someone is near you, they remind you of their light. But when you are far away, no one gets to say how wonderful you are, and so they only speak of your characteristic failures.


If I move on with my life, will the same happen to me?

Will my family forget how to love me?

I am sure that the only reason why I see goodness in myself is because of my family.

How am I to keep that goodness so far away from them?



Do you see what I mean?

I question and worry about everything.

All because I so strongly fear.


That is the legacy that I am left with.

That is all that is left from the past.


I have lost everything to the turmoil in my mind.




Expect the fact that God exists.

That He is my God and King.


And that even now, in this inner turmoil of questioning every thought in my mind to find if it only exists because the fear my past has taught me, I will strive to obey him, to follow his promptings.





Indeed, everything depends on nothing.

Realization.

One Pain. One Joy.

The Joy, that the Gospel is true. Everything about it is real. It's tangible and there.

You can see it,

Touch it,

Feel it,

Hear it,

Taste it.











The Pain.

That the people you love, people you can't help but love, people you yearn to hate, and were always meant to love, will never experience that Joy with you.

That they will never see the Light of the Gospel.

That you will be cut off from them.










The double Pain,

The Pain that nearly over masks the Joy,

The Pain that makes you cry in such a place as the Temple in sorrow...


Is the fact that those loved ones chose their path.

They chose to leave the Spirit.

To affect generations because of their choices.

To make pain and suffering to those around them for their own selfish reasons

To bring sorrow and years of pain to so many because Satan told them they could have what they wanted.

Because they wanted to satisfy passing wants and carnal "needs".


To make it so that your eternity was affected in such negative ways.











And we're not even allowed to ask why.

We can't cry and blame someone else in ignorance.


Because we know why.

We know why it all happened.


Know why we will be cut off from loved ones that should have been sealed to us for eternity.

It is because we are left to tell.

We are left to find the Light through the Dark.

And because of this, we love the Light all the more.

We experience more and love it so much more.

We find the Beauty that everyone else rejects and ignores.

We must take that Beauty and that Light and show it for what it truly is to all of the world.

Take it and express it in ways so that the world can understand its glory.

We've got work to do.

Light

So...

All is changed.

All.

Every last bit of it,

None of it is the same


And I will never go back.



There will be moments.

And you will probably hear of them...

But they won't take me back completely.



My life is not changed so much


But my heart is.


I have had a fine dose of



Perspective.




All is gone

And all has come.


I want all of my friends to leave after school.

I want to find new faces.

New places.


I want to start over.


So I can make friends with people who meet me as the person I truly am.


As whoever I choose to be



Not what my past dictates me to be.


I am Free.


I am Strong.


I am Good.


I am Me.


I am Light.

Insecure with Love

I'm insecure with love.
I'm so strong, and can love so fiercely when it comes to the love of a sister or daughter or friend... but when it comes to love from a male.

I crumble.
I become insecure.

I tremble with the fear that they don't love me back.

Because they don't.

I've fallen into the illusion of love.

None of it was real.

All of it was wishful, painful thinking.

So I hope.

Oh I hope with all my heart.

That when I do fall truly in love...

That the moment I think it,
I will feel the reassurance that it is true...

That the moment I think of it as a possibility,
that it will rise within me as an irrefutable fact...


That it's not just in my mind.
That it's not just my feeble wishes.

That not only do I know that I feel true love for him
but that I also know that he feels true love for me.





I try and come up with all of these ways to make myself feel better.


Sometimes it works.


Sometimes I just feel inside that it's not enough.
That I'll just always feel insecure.

That I won't have that true love until I face my insecurity and stop wanting so badly the love from a man whether he be like a brother, father, or friend.

That I'll never stop wanting it so badly, because I'll never have a love from brother or father figures and friends.

That the only love guaranteed to me from a man is the love of a husband.
At least, that's what I tell myself.




But I must turn my thoughts away.

I worry too much.

Maybe some day I'll get rid of my insecurity.

Maybe some day I'll actually accept the love of a father figure, instead of push it away because I'm afraid.

For now, I need to hide it.

For now, I need to tuck it away.

For now, I'll bide my time.

Until the day comes

When I get some sort of love.

When I find security from the love of Heavenly Father and Heavenly Brother.

When I decide that that love is enough.

That it is enough.

Now matter how much I wish it to be different.

Storms

I've always loved storms.

Of course, I've always been afraid of them a little bit like any human, but I've fallen in love with that fear, too.

My mom and I stood in the wind on our porch as a Hurricane depression scoured through our part of the state. The winds were 70 Mph and we saw the green flare of electricity charging in the air, blowing out transformers.

As a child I stood watching mushroom clouds descend on our little town and wanted to stay out longer, though my family brought me in.

If there were no tornado warnings or too many lightning strikes, Mom lets me go outside in the rain.

And though the rain here is a bit of a pansy, the wind isn't and I feel it rage so marvelously against me, and I know the glory of nature.


So if you wish to have my heart, which I doubt you do, but if so...



bring me a storm.


Filled with energy and light.

Filled with the forces hopefully no man will ever be able to contain.

And show me.


Show me what you see when faced with God's glory.


Show me what fills your heart when the thunder booms and the light slashes and the wind tears and the rain pelts.


And maybe....


maybe, if our hearts are mirrored....


If what you show me and what I show you...


If what you feel and what I feel...


If all comes as one, whether it be two differents or two sames...


Then love me.

Oh please love me.





For surely, I'll love you

Him

I want a Raoul from Phantom of the Opera.

Someone strong and gentle and good.

Someone to guide me and listen and respect me.

To love me as the woman I am.

I know I am not ready for such a powerful love...


But I want it to start developing now.

But then, when I think of it further, finding a friend who is him and all that jazz, it doesn't sound right.

I just want what I told my friend a few days ago.

I want someone to be interested with me, and for me to be interested in them.

For both of us to acknowledge this and to realize that we cannot pursue such a connection until we are both ready.

I want it to be so comfortable with him... that it would be like coming home.

That's what I truly want.

To realize how comfortable I am with someone and be okay with not being with them in that way until we're married.

I want him to be strong.

To know his limits and be comfortable with himself.

To know his Father is real and to believe in the Gospel.

I know my family and friends love me, I do not need his love because I know I already have it...

I just... hope he is okay.

I hope he is becoming who Father has always intended him to be.

I hope he knows that he is loved by a girl who hasn't even met him on this earth yet.

I hope he knows what I am learning.

I hope he has learned to be strong and good.

So if you ever find this out there, whoever you are, I hope you know all of this.

Know that even when it seems there is only Father with you, I am there, too.

And I love you with more of my heart as could be given.

And I know we are bound with more than just this world.

And I know that you are a good man, a sweet man, a wonderful man.

And even if you don't think so, it doesn't matter, because you will be.


I love you, whoever you are.

Before and Now

Before, last year.

Emotions would take hold of me in their fists.

I would exhaust myself, describing those emotions in exaggerated details.

Now... those moments of immense, beautiful, painful emotions have become something else.

Moments of pain and uncerainty and anxiety.

Moments when my barrier would be weak and Satan would enter my heart.

I've cried to Father to help me understand how to rid my heart of these moments.

I've cried to Him, to help me have moments of clarity and vividity but without pain and sorrow.

He has answered me.

My heart was open and seeking Him, and He placed the answer in my mind and I set it in my heart.

So, what I want to say is that if you ever were in my company during one of those moments of sadness and anxiety, I am sorry.

I am trying to train myself to see the complexity outside of myself.

To bring back the poetic beauty of my mind, but in the light instead of the dark as before.

I ask you to disregard whatever I said or did in my dark moments.

I know it may be a lot to ask, but it is all I can do for now.

The only thing I can do until the moment comes.

When I successfully transform my dark moments into bright moments filled with the Spirit.

When I can describe in breathtaking detail the beauty I see everyday.

I thank you, dearest friends for being patient with me, for looking past the fog and trying to see the beauty behind the darkness.

For seeing the person I will become.

For seeing the person I am willing to fight for more than anything on this earth.

Once I get her out, I'll be able to pay you back for your undaunted kindness.

To show you the love I have always harbored for you.

I love you all, dearests of my heart,

Elisabeth

Nevermind

I am so silly.


Gosh!

I really know how to over react.

Something wasn't right, and I knew it.


I went to the temple.


The sun has set, but the mountains are outlined with a beautiful pale blue.

The wind blows in gust, growing in strength.


When I went to the temple, the Lord kept with me.


I am so silly!


I was being way too dramatic about the whole love thing.


It's like what Mom said, he may not be the one I will fall in love with, but he did show me what real love is like.


It is a hand slipping into someone elses.

It is the comforting smile that makes me breathe for the first time in so long.

It is the pleasant conversation who is open to understand.


He may not be the one I will marry, but that doesn't matter.

For the second time he's shown me something I couldn't see.

I wanted so bad to know if I would marry him.

Why do I always ask those questions?


It doesn't matter.


All that matters is that he has shown me what love is.


And maybe it'll work out...


And maybe it won't...


I don't know if I evem want it to...





But I know now that it's okay if it doesn't

I feel

I feel love

I can hold it in my hands.

Like Lillies and Orchids.


It's like paint in my hands.

Beautiful, beautiful paint.


Pouring in my hands, coursing in my veins.


I feel it and I love it and I can't deny it's beauty.


But...

Does he feel it?


It is not the cloying love of teenage hearts.

It is.... something more...

Something beautiful and so much better than all of that.


It does not demand anything.

It does not leave and come in waves.

I may not sense it sometimes, but that is my own subconscious choice.


But...

Does he feel it, too?

Does he recognize something akin to it within him?

Or does he, too choose to egnore it?

Does he not feel that pull?


.... My only hope....


Is that it is true.


That the love I feel is true.


If I knew it was true....


Then I would wait forever for him to recognize it.


I would sit in eternity, going about my missionary work. Doing all of the things Father would want me to do.....


And wait.

And wait.

And wait.













Because if this love is the love I think and feel it is...


It is worth it all.


It is worth an eternity of solitude.

Watching dearest friends grow and blossom into Fathers and Mothers.


And knowing... that the man I would have, the man I am meant to have.


Doesn't even know.

Doesn't even see.


Because this love....


Is sweeter than any I have known.




But...


if this is not that sweet and good love...



Then....


I do not know.



I cannot imagine a world where the image of his spirit is not burned into my heart.


I do not know what would happen.






















But I must clarify.

I do not want to become so serious with him.


I just...

want him to feel how much I care for him.

How much I just want him to be happy.


And know that I am there for him.


No matter what.


I just... want to be his best friend.

I love you

I love you.

I protect you and teach you and make you grow.

I give you beauty and I give you light.

You are my siblings

The Being who made me made you.

We are forever connected.

When I die, you will die, too.

We are one, you and I.

Why can't you hear my voice?

I know it speaks inside of you.

Your voice speaks inside of me.

The Spirit connects us, we cannot be separated.

I cannot leave you, though you believe you can leave me.

We are bound.

Hear my voice.

It speaks within you.

Love,

Nature

New

Finally.


Finally, I have found the truth about what happened last year.


I had wanted to know if I was truly loved, and what love really felt like.


I know now what it feels like.



It feels like cool grass on a hot day.



It feels like a warm winter sunset.


It feels like a sweet melody dripping from my lips.


It feels like a quiet song filling the silence.


It feels like the spirit filling me up when all hope is lost.


It feels like the way I see this world and everything in it.



I know what it doesn't feel like.



And I never want to feel that again.



But it doesn't matter, because I know that I'll feel love again.

No matter how much I worry, how much I think


I'll feel love.



And it will be a love like never before.

Anxiety and What is in My Heart

The pain continues


But it is my fault



The stress from school is leaving my body, leaving my muscles aching.


I do not help it by going to parties every night.


I am on my period and I don't know how much it affects my actions and feelings.


I know I have to struggle more with un-pure dreams while I sleep and my guard is down.


I do not know if my period is affecting my medication.


I think it is....


but I do not know.




Cursed anniversaries are here and I feel.... as though I do not feel at all



As though my spirit is shutting down my feelings so I do not do something stupid



How can I become strong.



I am being attacked on two sides now.



I think the barrier between my father and myself is strong....


So maybe now Satan is reminding me of the things that happened in May of last year.


Reminding me of all of the things I hoped for.



All of the things I yearned for and wanted more than air.


All of the things I didn't know or understand



I was a foolish girl.


I do not know what I am now.


Am I a smart girl?


Am I a good girl?


Who am I????



What has changed within me?



How can I detect what has changed when i do not even know what was within me a year ago. I do not understand completely what happened....


At least that is what I think...




What I think happened was... pain



I broke the cycle.


But I cannot feel that broken cycle.



I cannot detect the change in pattern....


If I cannot feel the change, what stops it from happening again?


What stops me from choosing once more someone who is more lost than I?


"My memory is cruel, Queen of attention to details...."


What is in my heart?



Where does my heart beat?



"So I learn to listen through silence"



I am changed....



I am different....



But how do I keep myself from doing it again????


I cannot take another heart break.



I cannot take thinking, believing, knowing that I have found my husband....



Only to learn that he is not my husband.




I cannot take another false love.


I cannot take it.


I will break


I will fall


I will fail



Please Father, make me strong and keep me from a fake love as before.


So that if I meet anyone and fall in love with them...


It will be my husband.


Or that I will know that it is not true love.




I cannot take, I cannot breathe in a false love.



I cannot.



I will not.




I do not care if I fall in love again.



I just want to know that the love is not that of my husband and me.


I want to know that it is the love of a friend or a brother or a father or WHATEVER.



Please.


Please.

Thoughts

So my mind is working again

I was grumpy all day until the sun went down and I found another book to read


I picked wildflowers today and put them in a vase I made in ceramics.


I'm listening to love songs and not knowing what true, pure love will really feel like.



I have an idea of its power and energy and light....


But I don't know for sure



Something tells me it will feel akin to the love I feel for God.

Something tells me that the love I feel for God proves what my heart tells me.


My heart tells me I already love my husband.



But how can I love someone I've never met on this Earth?




Because I didn't fall in love with him on this Earth.



Just like my relationship with God is based on prior, half-forgotten memories, I love my husband because I have always loved him.




I think what I truly fear.... has nothing to do with me not realizing who he is when I meet him... or mistaking anyone else for being him.....


What I truly fear........











Is that he hasn't loved me all this time.




that he will never love me




and not because I am not good enough (I am)...


but because he simply doesn't



or his choices throughout life.....



have robbed him of those half-remembered memories


those memories that I have based all of my love on



with the hope that one day


I may make new memories with him.




I hope this will not happen



But I of all people know that things that should not happen, do happen.



That mistakes are made, and sometimes they are irrevocable and influence many lives.



But I cannot lose hope. I cannot let the fire of my heart die out just because of worry and fear.



Hopefully, one day, I may meet him.


And we will become great friends.


and we may love with a love stronger than any earthly love.






And We shall prevail.

In the dark

The light from my room shines outside my open window. The blinds are up and the dark is just outside. But I am not afraid of it.


I know what lies on the other side.

I have felt it before.

Have felt its coils around me.

It still is somewhat around me even now.

My barrier... I do not know it's strength.


But I do feel a peace inside.


And I know that Heavenly Father loves me.

















I know it will be alright.

coming home in song

As the words fill the air around me,

I remember all of those other times far, far into the past where I listened to this song and felt it become a part of me.

I am reminded of that bond and relishes in its sweetness.

I feel like I've come home in a way.
That a part of me that has been lost for so long has finally been found.
That my heart has remembered how to feel as it once did.
But there is one difference between then and now.


The pain I felt then,

the pain that clouded such sweet moments in song is gone.

I have nothing but the taste of vanilla on my tongue,
the scent of cinnamon in my nose,
the sight of misty colors caught in a whirlwind,
and sounds.

So many, many sounds...


later tonight




I'm feeling...
romantic.
fantastical

and not all at the same time.


I want to fall in love



I want to meet someone who could be my friend forever.


Someone who would come to understand me so well,
he could take care of me the way I want.


I want to know all there is to know about him
I want to recognize in him all of things he has never told anyone.

I want to see into his heart and know it better than my own.


Give me his name at least!!


Let me know the letters, the silly symbols we create to make glorious sound.

Let me know the string of sounds that make up his name. That put into words the essence of his soul.


Alas!


If I knew his name, and I met anyone with his name that was not him, I would cry and ruin the relationship I could have had with that man.

If I know his name, I would not really see him the first time I met him. I would see only someone with the name of my beloved.

And I would break.




Oh but it must be a lovely name.



Once more, I am resigned.

I will wait a while longer.

I will listen, and watch, and pray.


And prepare for that day


That day when we meat, and I see in him an everlasting friend.

A day that would start many other days of goodness and growing love.

Even though there will be hardships.... He will be there.

Whether he is miles away like he is now or so close I could touch him... I would still feel him near as I do now.

So my resignation fills with hope.


It does not matter that I do not know his name.

He is close.

He is near.









He is in my heart.

Strength

So many things.


A giant emotional roller coaster within my heart


My dying father.


He's spiritually attacking me, and although many people won't believe me, and probably won't even know.....


As I say it here...


It makes me feel better


It gives me the strength.


The night brings peace, but the night brings vulnerability, too.


I must stay strong while I prepare to bed, so that my spiritual vulnerability may be a little less. So that when I wake, and go through the day, pessimism and sorrow will not plague my heart as it could.



I want to be strong.


I know I am strong inside.


I've felt it before this started happening.



And I feel that those instances were in preparation for this time.


But I cannot feel that strength now.


I can only plead Heavenly Father to lend me some of his eternal protection.



That I may sever the connection I bare with my earthly father so that he may not plague me so.



At first, I did not know the implications of creating a barrier between me and my wretched father.




But I realized it two nights ago.




I feel as though I must deny the father of my birth, that spiritual tie we all feel, though we may not recognize it.


If I don't, I will be open to his torture. Though he will never understand what he is doing to me, I cannot bear it.



Somehow, gradually I will find the strength once more that lies within me.


Somehow, I will create a barrier so strong between us, that he can no longer hurt me.


That I will no longer feel that connection between father and daughter.


That I will no longer feel his spiritual pain as my own, and be tortured by it.



That I will no longer be his daughter.


And will mourn such a loss.



And will cry.


















And never feel his torture again.

you serious? my life just got better

So my Birthday was on Friday!!! woot! 17!

anywho, completely different point coming

I was online looking at books coming soon ('cause I do that so I can have something to look forward to : P ) and I found this

HOW COOL IS THAT??!?!?!?!

A free book for a cake wrecking photo/video?!?!?!


AAAAAND THEEEEEEEEN
I found THIS

and my life just got 5 times (possibly a hundred times) better!


yeah.


so I'm gonna try and do this thing at my school that'll take down my credit requirements which means less classes next year which means less stress which means better Bitsy.

So I'm hopping that I'll get it and that I'll be able to take care of ME

'cause if I'm lucky then I'll be able to make it so I don't have to do my online homework that I've been signed up for since the end of last school year and still haven't done barely any of it.


oh, and I'm going to hawaii in the summer.

I'm feeling like a hypocrite today. Doing nothing that I say I'll do, never doing anything really, milking off the fact that I'm broken so I don't have to do anything


Who am I anymore?

sunset

Evening is my favorite.

The sun sinks into it's bed across the lake in the mountains. It makes the air crisp and clear. It's dieing golden light kisses my skin and I close my eyes. I do not fear it's touch now, it cannot burn my skin so late in the day. Even as the sky is a myriad of gold and blue, I see the moon rise from her own bed in the mountains nearest to me.

Angels above, do you record these thoughts of mine? Do you see the beauty I see this moment? When I come home to Father and Brother, will I see these thoughts and wish they had never come? Is something coming in the future that will make these thoughts horrid memories? Quickly to shoved away by my fear, shame, and sorrow.

But then I quench these melancholy thoughts from my mind. It does not matter what the future holds, because for now these thoughts feel right. These thoughts are my heart being expressed for the records in heaven. I hope that bitterness will not lead me to hate them, that these thoughts will not lead me to repent. But for now I have only hope.





And the feeling that this moment may just make it into the eternities as a moment my heart cherished, a moment left unblemished.

Body

Sometimes I hate the physical barriers my body has.
Sometimes I hate the spiritual barriers my heart has.


Sometimes, I want to travel.

I want to get out there and explore and do good.

But then I remember all of the things I'd have to take care of while I'm out there

My pills for one.
I know I'll be in pain and won't be able to sleep and will be anxious if I don't take my meds everyday.

My skin for two.
I know I'm more susceptible to skin cancer since it's in my family.

My sleep for three.
I know I need all of my sleep every night or I won't last long

My fibromyalgia for four.
I know it makes it harder for me to do physical activity. High tolerance for pain or not.

My spiritual well-being for five.
I know how easy it is to lose track of the Spirit when I'm away from my family and supportive friends

Where would I get the sacrament every week?
I know I cannot go long without it.




And then I think about all of these things. And remember Father.

And know that it's all for a reason right now.

That I need to push down my yearning for travel until I'm ready.
Until I'm strong enough


It may take days, it may take months, it may even take years. All depends on what I'm trying to do. I may not ever be able to do whatever it is I want to do.


The long run stuff, the big stuff, none of that is spontaneous. But that doesn't mean that the everyday stuff, the little stuff, the stuff that is spontaneous, isn't worth it.


Maybe that's why it's okay that I don't know what I'm gonna do with my career. Because if I did, then I'd feel so tied down that I would shatter.

mystic and rider, persuasion: I believe in love

"He kissed her until the world was changed, and even that was not long enough"



Have you ever thought about this you've never noticed before?

Lots of people write about those types of experiences.


I won't try to say I understand love or that I seek to see knew things I didn't notice before everyday.


I read an article or something or other that talked about finding one's own personal philosophy. That the author wished they had established their personal philosophy when they were younger.



I think, as it is beginning to arise within me, that I believe in love.


I believe in a power higher than the people of this earth.

I believe in the great wind.

I believe in the powerful water.

I believe in the good earth.

I believe in the glorious fire.


I believe that if you destroy the earth, you destroy a gift given out of eternal love.
Wouldn't you want the earth to die of old age and not of a traitorous murder?
But I know that we don't have a choice in some aspects of this.


I believe in the right of the victim, but not the vengeance carried out without the express will of the Lord.

I believe in the priesthood and the delicate line between righteousness use of that power, and the twisted, corrupt use of it.


I believe in the sound of the wind in the leaves, and the soughing of the waves.

I believe in the light of the moon and cool touch of the sun on a spring day.

I believe in the spirit of this earth and all its glorious power.

I think that power is a delicate thing and that only those lead by the spirit constantly truly rule uncorrupted.


I believe that a man or woman who takes away the virtue of a child or anyone else in existence commits an act as heinous as the murder of an innocent.



I know that everyone deserves love, and that everyone has it whether they realize it or not, whether they accept or not, whether they want it or not. I know that love is just like the goodness of the earth, the greatness of the wind, the power of the water, the glory of the fire. Always changing, always reformed and yet always the same. A great constancy in the core of its existence.


I know that love, coupled with the priesthood, has no bounds, no limits, nothing keeping it from doing what it must or what it should.






And I know that no matter how alone I feel, no matter how far I am from civilization, that someone out there will love me with every fiber of his being. I do not know him, I cannot boast of his perfect character, but I feel his presence.

And I know that even if I lose him, he will always be in existence.


That my love for him is sprung from God, and therefore, can never fail.

old and new

K so I know I've said this before, but their stuff is so adorable!



oh and I found an amazing photographer, here's her blog where she has some of her work

A little sadness

So I didn't make it into the top choir at my school. And since I found out, I've felt like I wasn't appreciated for my talent... and then I felt that maybe, I wasn't as good as I thought.


But then I remembered today.




I love music.




Not because I can sing amazing...






but because it takes me to a place worth going.

I need you

I need you.




I need you like a child needs a father as she grows.

Like an adolescent needs a brother as she learns.

Like a woman needs a man as she loves.










I need you like I needed all of the men in my life when they weren't there.

Maybe that's where I get the strength my family speaks of.



Maybe I get it from all of those moments I needed someone.........




















and they weren't there



They're never there.








Will you break the cycle?









Will you be there when I need you?


When you're not, will I hate you?


But does it really matter?


Because even though you're not here now, I still feel you out there.


So I guess you're already breaking the cycle even as you exist.











Thank you


But I still miss you. I still need you. I still want to see your face.

Human greed makes me want more. Makes me feel that feeling your existence is not enough. That I need to see you. See your eyes and feel.



feel what I've wanted to feel for a long, long time.

At war with myself

This guy, the one who showed me the other side of myself, he is.... amazing. He's kind and funny and quiet.

I am at war with myself. I think like I previously said, that although he has characteristics of the man I would want to marry, he is not that man. Yet I still find myself thinking about him.
Wanting to share with him moments I had only given to myself before, not thinking that maybe, there was someone I could share them with.


Someone I wanted to share them with.

I am at war with myself.


Do I want to share these moments with him because I know that he will understand? Because he is the first that I want to share them with? Or is it because I am supposed to share these moments with him?


Because he is more than a friend?


Or because he is the first that could be more than a friend?


If the former, then.... wow. : ) what will happen? I know I am strong enough now where I was weak before. And hopefully, it will blossom on it's own. If it doesn't, then is the latter isn't it?

If the latter..... I need to stop. and back away from him.


And once I think it through, it is like I said at first. That he is just an example of what I want in my husband.


So I guess there is no war?


Oh I wish it could be that easy.



That he could be... the one... lol. That he could be.... more to me than a friend.



How easy would that be?


So easy.


So, so easy.




And so good.




But life is never that easy.....




not for me.



Why can't this one thing, this one thing that will mean so much to me, be easy?



Everything else is so much harder.






Everything.











Why can't this one thing, this one thing that will be so much to me, that is already so much to me, be easy?


Like coming home..


The journey may be hard and tiresome and horrid,

but the actual event,

that moment where you step in the door,

or over the border and just.... feel .....

That you've finally come home.


That's how love should feel.




Like a gentle sigh in the dark of the night when the body has rid itself of its last burdens.



Like two hands slipping into one another.


Like locked eyes and free smiles.


Like soft hugs and whispered hellos.




That's what love should be.




Where are you?


Why has it been so long?




I need you.

stuff

I've been on night walks the past two days. I've walked the same place each time. There's one tree that I pass.


The outline of its branches are invisible against the soft glow of the street light. It makes the branches look like one big spider web with a ball of light for a center.

Other words were supposed to come into my slim little fingers and onto the sticky keyboard.


I want to go outside. I want the air to be warm with a warm breeze. I want to go to a great field that's nearby. I want to lay on it and let the dew cool my hot skin. I want to talk until my eyes burn when I blink and my mouth is weary and my cheeks hurt from smiling. I want to laugh and know that someone lays next to me.


I met someone. They understood me like no one has understood. They showed a new perspective. A new way to see myself.


I want that in my eternal companion. I don't think he is the person I met, but he showed a characteristic that I will look for in my husband.



Because of him, and because of the new things that happened, I have attained two new ways to see myself.



The first, I've hinted at.

I can see God in everything. I love nature because it reminds me of God. This allows me to love all seasons. I do not know if this also allows me to live anywhere. This is a complicated thing, because the spirit of a place may not agree with me, and also the people may not be very.... positive



The second, I've learned through my family.

I am strong. I have a deep reservoir of strength hidden within me. My mom does not think that I know it's depth, but I don't know about that. I feel the strength within me, it echoes cool and peaceful, but that does not mean that I am ready for what is to come.




That is the other thing. My family and myself have always felt that something big is coming. That something is going to happen that will change everything. Because of this feeling, we try to prepare ourselves. My sister thinks that because of my strength, I am ready for what is to come. But I don't know. I guess I do not have that much belief in myself. I feel that, although I do have immense strength, it will not be enough for what is to come. That there are things I still need to learn. Lessons that need to be taught and things that need to be said.

snipets

Some of them are quite depressing. The first one is a story in India's past I heard on the tv today.




I small child, a young prince, clinging to his father's clothes. He is torn away from his father. Gruesome sounds are heard over his wailing sobs. The child is given mass amounts of opium. Dreams swirl in his head. Slowly, the dreams become more chaotic, more bright in color.... until there is nothing more.


I woman lounges on the sand. Curling her toes deep into the sand's warmth. Her head tips back and her eyes close. The shadow of a smile appears on the corners of her mouth.


A pale faced girl dances in the snow, her movements not of this culture. She sings a haunting melody under her breath. It warbles with an odd clarity. The viewer suddenly has a memory triggered by the sight of the spinning girl. Of a cold desert at night. A bright fire and drums. Turbans and beards and warbling voices. The girl lifts her arms and tilts back her head to the moon and spins, her coat flaring out behind her. The viewer whispers.
"India"


The boy is silent and the girl's heart pounds. She knows he understands, but why does he understand? Is he just being nice? Finally, he whispers, "If I kissed you, would you feel anything?"
"yes."



A burly dog sits placidly in the snow and cold. A boy stands beside it. He stares out into a thick forest. His eyes strain, but he cannot see what he seeks. He doesn't even know what he seeks, just that it is glorious and beautiful.


The girl puts her back to him. "I have not let myself love anyone. But you have found your way into my heart."
"then trust me with its care and we both will be happy for eternities."


A mother stares down at the lifeless body in her arms. A fifth child in the deep earth. Her spirit weakens once more and her knees buckle. She cannot wonder why. She lowers the child into the grave much smaller than most. When the deep earth accepts her offering she seals the grave with her tears, bending over the soft mound and digging thin fingers into the dirt.


A woman sits in the window alcove. "Come see!" The husband comes over quietly to bend down to his wife's level. "What beauty do you see?" She directs his line of sight and reveals the glow of the moon upon a tree covered with snow. "Do you see the way the moon's light is slightly blue in color and makes the unmarked barks seem black as shadows? Do you see the way it glows like a moon all on its own?" he sees it and his heart leaps. "What glory you find!" He kisses her fingers and sits with her in the little alcove.


A lady sings. So soulful and sorrowful all who hear her cry in despair. Her vowels croon and her consonants softly chafe. She sings. She sounds so delicate, sounds as if at the end of the song, she will splinter into a million little pieces. The saxophone breaks into her song and begins a solo. She steps back into shadows and nothing is seen of her again as the saxophone finishes the song with its smooth tones.

Little wet tears on a baby's shoulder.

passenger and saved

wow.

I love these songs. Well, mostly save us and passenger seat... but yeah. they are amazing and when I listen to them, they feel like water running over burned hands. cool and healing. Save us prepares me for passenger seat and half acre makes me feel connected..


so here's the words to passenger seat

"Passenger Seat"

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

shining

For one night my life was all color and goodness and whispers and smiles and laughs and bad dance moves.


For one night I saw, in an inkling of a moment, something beautiful and good and wonderful.

The joy in that night. The young smiles and close words.

The innocence of that night will live on within me even while memory fades and I cannot remember it.


The goodness of that night... the truth.. the unsuspecting goodness of it all


I convince myself that it wasn't as amazing as I thought it was....

and then something reminds me of it....


a picture...

a word...


And then I'm trying to learn how to appreciate that night... without making it more than it was and not expecting anything to come of it's goodness


Try to convince myself that it was one bright, shining moment to remember for the rest of my life....


And not something that hints at a future that is real and tangible and true... and right....



I'd rather be proven wrong... be shone that it was a night that would hint at something real and good and right and not something less... not just a shining moment, but something more


Than convince my self it is and be proven wrong... be shone that it was just one moment.... one shining moment.... and nothing more.

lillies and orchids.

I want to paint.

To take something in my hands... something that will fill my hands until it spills over onto the floor and creates something beautiful.

Twisted words and conjured up meanings.



Sometimes I feel empty.

Sometimes I feel so full... nothing else could mean anything to me






Words...
they are energy...


but they are not substantial.

I cannot hold them in my hands and feel their essence.




But
paints...

clay...

earth...


I am mostly an energy kind of girl.

My medium is usually things that have energy,


but not a substance that you can feel with your hands....

Writing... music...




But
clay...

earth...

paints...


I may not be able to express myself with them as well....

but they...

You can hold them in your hands and know...


just...


...know



So really, I want to take a few canvases... and get a hold of a studio...

and pour color into my hands.



doesn't that sound.... magic?



pour color into my hands.


and just stand on one canvas.

just stand there...

With the colors swirling all around me.



Letting it touch my face.

My toes.

My legs.

Paint everywhere.

paint in all colors swirling. Never really losing their original color, but still mixing where they touch each other to create colors no one can describe

Except maybe God













I'd watch the paint pour and splash.



I'd watch it....



I'd smear my hands across the canvas on a stand. I'd crash my hands onto another canvas on the floor.


I'd listen to the beat of my heart in the quiet of the studio


I'd listen to my breath rasp and the paint splat where I thrash it onto the canvas.









I would cry.


and I would paint.


and I would feel the color in my hands.








and think of lillies and orchids

Falling away

So I basically stopped hanging out with people about three two or three (maybe even four) months ago.

I mean, I'd still talk to them during school

...but...

I'd say no if they told me about a new thing they were gonna do over the weekend or that night...

and it's got to the point that.....


They don't even bother to ask me now.


I never thought I'd miss not having a social life....

but now.. I just don't know

And the thing is....

Even if they did ask me... I'd probably say no anyway.

Most of the people in this group I can't even tolerate their personality in strong doses.



















So I guess it's all for the best........





But I still feel a part of me drift away......




And some part of me misses it.

how can I keep from singing update

So the lyrics I put before were so not the right ones. But now that I know it better,(the song I mean)I love it even more. The harmonies are almost more than I can bare.



arranged by ronald staheli


My life flows on in endless song;
Above earth's lamentation
I hear the real though far-off hymn that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear that music ringing;
It sounds an echo in my soul:
How can I keep from singing.

My life flows on in endless song.
When tyrants tremble sick with fear and hear their death-knells ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing.

In prison cell or dungeon vile
our thoughts to them are winging.
When dear friends by shame are undefiled,
How can I keep from singing.

If my joys and comforts die,
I know truth is living.
Tho' the darkness 'round me close,
How can I keep from singing.

No storm can shake,
while that Rock I am clinging,
since Love is Lord of heav'n and earth:
How can I keep from singing.

How can I keep from singing.
I lift my eyes,
the cloud grows thin,
I see the blue above it.

And day by day this pathway smooths,
since first I learned to love it.
The peace from love makes fresh my heart,
a song of hope is springing.
All things are mine since Truth I've found:
How can I keep from singing

All things are mine since Truth I've found:
How can I keep from singing.

How can I keep from singing,
from singing.

vast expanse of sky

Things spin worlds create themselves and dissolve into dust within my mind's eye. All through the power of music and the inspiration of nature.

Whenever I try to picture in my mind how I would describe a good song I usually see myself in some great open place from a great plain to a majestic theatre with music blasting from the ground and resounding in the air. To be so landlocked and to feel the power of the heavens in the air around me.
Everything is perfect in these songs.
They are perfect, shining moments in the universe. Created by my mind registering everything going on around me.
They tumble out of me and shoot out into the stars and vast expanse of sky.
They are defined by me and created by me.

They are my own.

And they are all the more precious for one characteristic.

I have never spoken of them.
Never have they been released out into the sky by my physical body.

And so they stay, locked within me. Sent out into the silent universe in all their original glory and color of my mind. Never dimmed by being bound to words and definitions and theory.

But do not fear.

They are safe from being bound.

They live on within me.

Every time the music swells over me.

Laps at the shores of my heart.

And spin out into the vast expanse of sky and the glory of the 'verse.

where does your heart beat?

Where are you my prince... my brother.... my love?

I watch movies and read books and see love blossom as the rose.

When will ours do the same?

Sometimes I feel close to you,
like I've never been truly separated from you....

and although I know that this is enough for now...

I still wish....

wish for the future to be...

magical as it is....

that I will feel as glorious as I feel....

when I look up at the sky and all around me and feel the glory of My God and know...

know

know that there is more to this life.

that there is a future where i am with you....

and the world is perfect in its glory...

And I have come home to my Father with my hand in yours...



Where are you my prince?

where does your heart beat?

do you know of your lineage, yet?

do you know the glory and strength of your heart?

do you know the power of the priesthood within you?

do you feel the greatness within you?


Where are you my brother?

where does your heart beat?

do you feel, as I feel, the closeness of our spirits?

is what I feel just wishful, naive thinking?

do I hope greater than what I will receive?

do you feel the connection that I feel?


Where are you my love?

Where does your heart beat?

do you feel what I feel?

do you see what I see?

do you understand the ache I feel for you?

do you ache for me, too?



I ache for you.
There is a place under my ribs.
In my chest.
In my heart of hearts.
Does it beat when you are so far away?
How can it beat, for even now, you are far away?
And though I know that I am complete all on my own
as a woman
as a girl
as simply,
Elisabeth
this is who I am.

But this is not enough.
I am myself.
I am true and sure and strong.
But it is not enough.

Not enough to simply look in the mirror every day.
Not enough when my heart aches as it does.
Who are you?
What is your name?
What do you call yourself in your heart of hearts?

I ache to do the Lord's will.
To marry and bare children.
To raise them true and strong.
To help others with my pottery and my photography and my music and my words.

But the last things are easy enough.
I have been able to do them all.

But it is not enough.
The former things that I ache to do...
I want to do them.
I want to prepare and become worthy of such blessings.

Where are you?
Where does your heart beat?
Where does your soul reside?

Do you look out into the darkness late at night and think of me?

Flow

Something has been... released. A weight has been lifted. I got my hair cut.

ha.

How often is it that every time something happens in my life, I get a haircut? Very.

Things are falling into place.

I think back now, on yesterday. It was a very... different day. I feel now how precious and fragile all of this life truly is. I'm not gonna give you that old two-bit line about how quickly this life can end. But... you feel the veil thin once you've gone to a funeral. Wow, that sounds insensitive doesn't it? But it's true.


So we're starting to learn our songs for region in my choir class. We started learning them a while ago, but I've been preparing for solo/ensemble region so I'm a bit behind. This song is simple. I don't know if this version has the same words as the one I'm singing and it may not sound like a great song, but the version taht we sing is... breath taking

It's called "How can I Keep from Singing"

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation
I hear the real, thought far off hymn
That hails the new creation
Above the tumult and the strife,
I hear the music ringing;
It sounds an echo in my soul
How can I keep from singing?

What through the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth
What through the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since love is lord of Heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble, sick with fear,
And hear their death-knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging
When friends by shame are undefiled,
How can I keep from singing?



So much is changing. I feel everything around me shifting. I feel like the bed of a great river where it flows lazy and slow. It changes slowly. The water moves over it

Out of Breath

It takes very little now for my energy to be taken from me. A few minutes of jumping to some music and I feel like I've been jogging for ten. I do not know if it is the Fibro or what. It will be awhile before I will be able to do so...

I want to be held. I want to feel the blessings of the priesthood. I want a father. Heavenly Father is amazing. The spiritual peace he grants me is more than words.... This does not stop me from wanting a hug... Sometimes it's just not enough. I feel bad about this. That after all Father has given me, I still want something I may never have. Something that has been denied me since I was a child.

That quote "Boys aren't worth crying over, but the one who is, won't make you cry." Is a complete lie. There will be some day where I will want the companion of the one who is worth it so much that I will cry like a child. There are nights when I lie awake at night and dream of someone next to me.

Sometimes I worry that my longing for a father will make me want to marry a father figure. Will make me look for the attributes of a father when I look for a husband. Sometimes, when I yearn to meet my future husband, I realize that what I truly want is a brother or a father. I worry that if I become too close to one of my guy friends that I will see them as a brother. That if I do so I will become too close to them. That I will want physical comfort that will become too much for a brother-sister relationship. I don't mean kissing or anything like that, just that I will seek comfort from them so often that I will begin to see them more than a brother. And it is true. When I think of a brother-sister relationship it is closer than it should be. This is most likely because my sisters and I are closer than other sisters. We rarely fight. EVER.


I see now that I have more to grow before I meet him.

How much damage has my childhood caused?

Kat memorial

It was one of the most moving things I've witnessed. The band played some awesome pieces of music and some of the family was there. They had a table set up with her picture and some post cards that we could write on to give our support to the family. ... I didn't know her well... but I cried. I really.. really don't like the world. Some things that happen are just so... wrong. So unjustified. She better get one hott husband.

I wanted to tell the parents how much their daughter felt me feel welcome in my class, but so many students surrounded the couple, and I didn't want to get in the way of Kat's close friends. Then, when they were crossing by me, I had to tell them what Kat meant to me. I reached out and laid my hand on what I presume was the father's shoulder. When I told him that Kat had been so kind to me, he asked if I wanted to talk with her mom. I guess, now that I think about it, it was probably a family member who was offering the mother support as she went among her daughter's friends to hear their condolences. When I told her about Kat, she hugged me, telling me how good it was of me to tell her that. I would not have expected her to do something like that. She is definitely one awesome lady. I hope she continues to find out the great things her daughter did for all she met.

Things

.... there are so many things... so many changes... so many adventures and tragedies and.... changes


my family and I aren't announcing it yet.... but I don't know how I feel about it yet... and I don't know what's going to happen or what I'll have to do when it does happen

I thought it was happening last year... but i thought a lot of things happened last year... when they didn't... so much of the past two years was all a fake. a facade I didn't know existed... or that I was creating it..

My father is dying. He is dying. He has cancer that is in it's most advanced state. Although this means I get a new outfit (I'm thinking a lavender dress with red lipstick and maybe red heels if my sister lets me), he's still my father... the only one I have for this body of mine... When he's dead (whenever that will be, i mean, i have no definitive knowledge of the time obviously and he could pull a fast one and live longer than my whole family) and my family and I are finally free of his shadow... relief and grief will co-exist. Even though we have healed (as much as possible) spiritually... his existence on this earth still has a power over us... and once that is gone... the bogey-man won't exist any longer......

I got sleeping meds the week after tour and the doc told me that in my house it's like knowing that the bogeyman is real and knowing he could be anywhere (he's treated mom and my sister so he knows the background and such)... and always knowing that he could be there... when my father dies..... so does the perpetual bogeyman....

I'm..... worried about how I will hold up.... and how my family will.

My sister, the one I am closest to, is leaving for college. and although I know in my mind that she won't become like my eldest sister... I fear history repeating itself with her...

and as I'm dealing with all of this.... one of the girls in my new drama class is killed. shot in the basement of a friends house by accident. I was the newbie in the class. the one without any dramatic experience. The one slightly frightened and shy of them all. She was nice and sweet to me. She made me feel welcome... and now she is dead. She is dead and I won't be able to become friends with her. Won't be able to get to know her, to share inside jokes. and the poor kid who shot her by accident. he thought the gun wasn't loaded. how horrible he must feel. how wretched and guilt ridden. How will he know that it wasn't his fault? that no one blames him? and what about the other people she was with when it happened? Do they blame themselves? my friend that I was talking to had begun to start to like her while she was alive. begun to harbor feelings for her. had hung out with her the day before. He has already seen so much death in his life. So many of his friends of already died of various causes. For this to happen to him... to all of us... I hope she knows how much she will be missed... and know that we will never blame her for any heart ache we feel because of what happened. I hope she knows that she was worth it. That she will not be remembered just because she died so young, but because she was kind. Because she was a beacon of light in these dark times.

May you rock out on the other side of the veil, kat mikolasy.

Lighter note

So I don't know what exactly I'm writing here... But all I know is that there's a light inside of me that wants to be recognized. I'm not always so... serious as I have been in the last two posts.... : D I mean, I really appreciate those posts, they were necessary steps that I had to experience in order to become more true to who I am.

But yeah, here is the commentary to the first few songs on my playlist and little snippets of the songs.

And I only offer it as commentary 'cause idk how the little paragraphs stand on their own sooo.... : P




"Are we human or are we denser?" "Human" the Killers

So.. light is everywhere. Strobe lights. They cut through the dark in great swooping arcs. Dozens of people. All in black cotton All jumping in the light. All feeling their hearts coalesce into the music.



"You became the light on the dark side of me" "Kiss from the Rose" Seal

A sea. Grey with storm. Wind lashing the surf. A great cliff face. Pale rocks crumbling into the sea. Lightening. Thunder shaking the ground. Don't you just love that harmony?? Oh the wind and the rain and the waves. Movement all around. Passion swimming in the air creates electricity. Harmony. Love, sadness, passion. Grief stronger than any known before. A silence. The eye of the storm. One last bolt of lightening not a hundred feet away. Build. Grow, expand. The eye has past. Power, strength. Passion. All is passion and action and beauty and love and hope. Love and hope. Light and glory. Passion. (Not disgusting passion.) A single drop. The last. One last gust of air.



"And I long to smell the sea." "A beginning" the Classic Crime

The seeeaaayeah. Wind. A soft beach. Pale sand. A soft sun rise. A couple under blankets. "comin' home to you" A gust travels over tree tops. Tree tops that stretch up to a hundred feet for the world to see. A little wooden box with a tag. A soft touch. Silent tears. "I let her go." A past. A future. The unknown. The bittersweet and the triumphant. Glory and comfort. Being settled... Coming home. So long it has been. Come home, and let me go. It'll be alright. It is already that way.. A bed side table. It will be locked........ home.



"You know it aint easy." "Sideways" citizen cope

A daffodil. Withering into the sunlight. A field of wheat. A soft breeze. A girl. A simple cotton dress stands in the middle of the field. Soft, long brown hair. Hair like soft earth. Caught in the wind. diamonds growing black. A girl waits. She won't go away. These feelings won't go away from her. She has tried to leave them. Has waited for them to leave. She slowly sinks to the ground. Lays on her side. Diamonds fade. Flowers bloom. She whispers.
"Diamonds they fade, flowers, they bloom, I'm telling you, These feelings won't go away, they've been knockin' me sideways, they've been knocking me out they, whenever you come around me." Again. "These feelings won't go away." Soft whispers into the plants. A shadow across her body. A soft hand on her arm. A body to embrace. "these feelings won't go away."



"'Cause I am livin' just to breathe" "believe" the bravery

Another dance floor. A live band. Slow motion. bodies pulse with it. Time speeds up. Real time. "I am living just to breathe" The want, the ache, for more. this night, at this moment. They all believe in one thing. this night. and this night alone. the feeling of this moment is all there is. The music flows all around. The bodies moving together and singular all at once. Being a part of the whole and apart of it at once. We all need something to believe. Why not this moment? This breath? It is all you will ever have. The beast was always here. You are not nothing. What are you waiting for? Give yourself something to believe. Don't live just to breathe. We all need something to keep on breathing for. Why not this moment? This breath? This life? We all need something more. Believe.



"I refuse to throw them away" "flowers" regina spektor

They're rotting. a girl sitting in a chair before a desk with a vase of flowers. time speeds up in front of her. Light passes on her. The flowers die. She cannot sleep. She cannot sleep. Am I allowed to keep them? newspapers pile around the girl. Cauldrons. stones. Am I allowed to keep? She does not sleep. never. Am I allowed to keep what I love? She will never go to sleep. Time passes fast before her ever-open eyes. She stares at the camera singing. A piano. She plays. She sings. Light moves around her going faster and faster with the speeding tempo. Slows once more. the newspapers pile and grow and lessen and decay.





Well I would do the last seven songs on my playlist, but that took a lot of energy out of me for some reason sooo..... : D You're welcome to listen to the rest of the songs, I like them just as much as the others. Could you follow it well enough?

night terrors

Sorry if my words contradict one another. These are complicated feelings and it's hard to express them all and their meanings while conveying how deeply they affect me and I don't really want to read through it to make it make sense.......





Have I told you about my dreams yet? I don't think so, and although my dreams are sort of a complicated topic having many sides and different stories I'm just going to tell you about the night terrors this time.

I have what most people call "shell shock". It's called post traumatic stress disorder and although I don't have it has bad as others it still affects me greatly in some ways.

I think I've had night terrors at least twice a year, more often when I was younger and my family was just coming out of the divorce and the depths of our wounds were just beginning to surface. Lately, since I found out about tour and realized subconsciously that I was going back to the place where it all began, maybe not to the exact place, but I would be in the same state only, a few hours away from the place of my birth I had begun to have them once more. My sister sleeps with me in the same room and she usually sleeps lightly enough to catch me before I do something dangerous.

You see, night terrors are the most.... intense form of night mares. Worse than any fear you have ever felt in your life. A fear so consuming, a fear so.... painful, you wish you were never born. You know in that fear, in that dream, that you can and most probably will die. That you will die in the most painful way known to the universe. That you will die and survive it. That even though you will have the knowledge of death at the end of the pain, you will never gain the sweet release it provides. That you will wake up, only to live another day, to go to sleep another night, to experience another dream in which you know that you will die..... and live afterwords. This is what causes you to keep going in the dream. This is what causes you to run. To run and to fight and to keep going until you wake up. But it's not that easy. Because the knowledge of waking up is beneath the surface. The fear is all that is on your mind. The fear of pain, the fear of death, the fear of life after it all. And although you know you cannot run and you cannot fight in your waking hours, you do not realize it in your dream. All you want to do is to get away from whatever you know will bring you pain. And you know somewhere inside of you that no matter how well you fight, no matter how far you run, you will always be caught. Whatever is hunting you will always catch you. always. And in that last moment when you finally give up, when you finally relax and give in to the pain and the sorrow and the utter brokenness of the darkness, you wake up. Not having felt any of the pain or sorrow or brokenness.

This is a night terror. It causes you to scream in the darkness. It causes you to wake up, heart pounding, images running through your head as your eyes see only the the darkness of night. It causes your mind to rebel against reality. In those first few moments of wakefulness you do not believe in reality any longer. You believe in the world of your mind. For the fear had so consumed you in your sleep that you cannot believe it wasn't real now that you are awake. Sometimes it takes only a few minutes to wake up completely. Sometimes you cannot banish the images. You dare not move less the demons of your mind show themselves. You fear that if you reach out to touch the loved one beside you that they will turn into something hideous and wretched before your eyes, an incarnation of the feared pain in your dream.

My sister usually saved me before I woke up. She would see me freaking out and trying to get up out of my bed. She would grab my shoulder, say my name firmly, and tell me to go back to sleep. Usually I wouldn't even remember the dream or the encounter with my sister.....

Last night she was not in the bed beside me to shock me out of my sleep walking.

She had stayed up late, reading and listening to music and other things.

We live on the second floor apartment.

I had gotten up.

I had run.

I had aimed for the window.

She yelled at me to stop.

Some form of my conscious had woken up and I heard her yell my name, telling me to stop.

I had jumped to the couch which sits in front of the window.

She pinned me down before I launched myself through the glass.

I am ever indebted to her for this and many other acts like it.

I hate my past. It is dark. It is twisted. It has haunted me for ten years.

Ten years of pain. Of grief. Of terror. Of suffering. Ten years. A decade.











It is not what I deserve. It is not my fault. It does not matter anymore.

it is done. It is gone. I have been healed. I know the atonement. I know its purpose. It is all healing. It is glorious. Last night was the night of my last night terror. I know that at some point in the future it will come back. That the thought will pass through my mind of the evilness of my father. But it will do just that. It will just pass. It will not affect me in such a way any longer.


It is done.

Past

Memory.

To know the past mistakes exist. To see them in their human form. One person. One name. It will haunt me forever. He will haunt me forever. Though he may change, and most likely has changed... Who he was... Who I was... will I ever forgive myself? Have I already done so?

My only consolation... What happened had to happen in order for me to be who I am now.


Is that true?


Do I want him to think of me? Do I even care anymore? The ache has definitely dwindled to almost nothing....


I guess what I really want is to see him. To see him on the street.. anywhere when I'm by myself, really.... to make eye contact... to simple give a soft smile and nod. For both of us to know that we can go on with our lives and be better because of it. I think that's what was hardest in the end.... Knowing that he thought he would not find anything better than what we thought we had.... Oh, I hope his vision has cleared....

I want to say that this would give me the power, the ability, to close the door officially. To finally write the end of that chapter... But I doubt myself. Doubt that I would be able to just be... satisfied with that ending... But I think I would be satisfied with it... It would be the ending I have wanted... When I tried to get that ending in July.. it was shoddy. It was a temporary seal waiting for the final forging.

I'm ready for that final forging. I'm ready to see him... To simple look into his eyes and know that the past is over. That we have both let go... And to know that he is not lying to my eyes.


I'm ready to dance.

I'm ready to breathe.

I'm ready to sing.

I'm ready to write.

I'm ready to live.

Living

So I've been thinking about it, and I think I like how I think about it.
If I exaggerate it, this is how it feels.

Feet planted. Body aligned.

Breath.

Two breaths.

In.

Out. Sound. Word. Breath. Life.

It is pulled out of me. Over a few weeks time I learn what it feels like to pull this particular piece out of the great well of emotions within me. I am adept at it now. My face moves through the expressions. My voice loops and twirls through the notes.

Kicking and lashing out.

Soft and caressing.

Barely contained grief leaking through. Words turned into wails of fury, passion, and sorrow all in turn. Joy and Hate. Peace and Turmoil. Apathy and Grief. All chained into words and released in sound.

Words and notes memorized long ago flow from the tongue without thought. Notes rigidly drummed into my mind. Both now flower into something more. Both obey the director. He who knows how to manipulate the audience, to make them feel. To make our hard work turn into beauty and wonder and sorrow and energy.

He takes our energy, our light and molds it to the music. Makes us tell a story with our words and our faces and belay the true power of the emotion with the sound of it. The shape of the sound, the color, the texture; all used to make the song what it is, what it was meant to be.

He reaches into us. He takes what he needs. And he gives it back in a different form. A form that gives us such... that makes us feel.. so... accomplished. That makes us feel whole. Makes us feel like we did what we set out to do. Like a goal was gained and exceeded. As though we have tied another knot in the tapestry of the universe.



So yeah. I have the opportunity to do this for four days while on tour with the choir of my school. No doubt I will come back drained of physical energy, but hopefully I will also come back full of spiritual strength. Feeling accomplished. Feeling more whole.

Before I would seek this experience just for the after affect, just for the opportunity to feel whole.

But now...

Oh, now...

Now I know. Now I feel. Now I experience just for the experience. Now I know what it is to be whole.

I yearn for this experience so that I may show that I feel whole.

That I am who I am.

That I am where I have always wanted to be.

That there is nothing more I want than to be able to live my life.

That I am doing just that.

Living.

gah!

gah! i have stuff to write. but yeah distractions! so yeah ttyl

No, I could not be a creature of the dark. I look at my skin. So unique and fragile. I listen to the way my heart beats. Silence my thoughts and feel the soul the I am. I see through these eyes and take the time to find the glory in all of it. I search for the photographic lines that make beauty what it is. No. I could not become a creature of the dark. I know that what they say in books about vampires and witches and fey. I'm quite certain it would be a wonderful experience. But I also know that all of that is Satan. That the glory they feel is black. That the beauty they experience is a knock-off. I know that although their priestcraft sounds wonderful and self pleasing and in some cases it even feels like they use their priestcraft to help others it does not change the fact that it is priestcraft. That their healing and all the other ways they "help" others eventually breaks. Eventually their actions will have consequences. I could not live with those consequences. I could not live through the pain I would eventually cause myself and others.
No, I could not be a creature of the dark. I may know the beauty of the night. But the night is only beautiful because it is created by God. I know that my potential is great. But I must not forget that my potential can lead down dark paths if I am not careful. If I do not listen to the Spirit.
No, I could not be a creature of the dark because my essence was made by the Light. Because it is within my power to deny the dark power over my being. Because my All Loving Father has given me the choice.
I will not fail him.
It is the least I can do for Him. For all of my brethren. For all of my descendants. For myself.

NEED

just finished the book Need by carrie jones and it made me want to read more of her books but idk if they're clean. But anywho, you should read it. And don't look too hard at the beginning and the fact that it has a normal girl going to a new place and the first guy she meets is automatically gorgeous.... just keep reading. and don't you DARE compare it to twilight. 'cause if you do you will die at my hands.... and fate's hands too.
so yeah, she's pretty hilarious, here's her website

quotes (inspired by Molly)

So I was thinking about how Molly had posted some of her favorite quotes and I decided to follow her lead in a way and post a note on all of the quotes I've collected.


"It's not what they call you that matters, it's what you answer to." -W.C. Fields-

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." -Ralph Waldo Emerson-

"Ouch! My life." Estee Arts

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt-

"like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me"
"who needs air" by classic crime


"My cats protect me from evil"

"If Avada Kadavra turned Cederic into a vampire, what happened to fred?"

"I want it to rain the day I get married"

"Be careful what you say.. it may remind me a of a song that needs to be sung!"

"Find a place to stand and move the world."

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

"Ah music! A magic beyond all we do here."
-J.k. Rowling-

"I have loved the stars too fondly to fear the night"

"I believe in music the way some people believe in fairy tales"

"team jedwasmett; because choosing between edward, jacob, jasper, and emmett is torture."

" a tenor may make the girls swoon but a bass takes her home"

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world"

"Music can be enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime will not be enough for music"
-Sergei Rachmaninoff-

"A man that prays and loves God with his whole heart, is the man I want to spend all my life with"

all of these are from Pieces of flair I couldn't fit on my flair board.



"Some people want to be the sun in someone's life. I would want to be the moon in someone's life. So that I could shine through the darkness and remind them that the dawn will come."

"I do not want a sparkly vampire nor do I want to be one. I've read too many books with amazing guys to pick just one out of the fictional bunch. Besides, God can make a man that's way better suited for me than Edward Cullen."
-me-

"I miss you.. even though we haven't met yet."
-me-

"I have hear that winter's cold will give way to summer's warmth"
"salt in the snow" -classic crime-