Living

So I've been thinking about it, and I think I like how I think about it.
If I exaggerate it, this is how it feels.

Feet planted. Body aligned.

Breath.

Two breaths.

In.

Out. Sound. Word. Breath. Life.

It is pulled out of me. Over a few weeks time I learn what it feels like to pull this particular piece out of the great well of emotions within me. I am adept at it now. My face moves through the expressions. My voice loops and twirls through the notes.

Kicking and lashing out.

Soft and caressing.

Barely contained grief leaking through. Words turned into wails of fury, passion, and sorrow all in turn. Joy and Hate. Peace and Turmoil. Apathy and Grief. All chained into words and released in sound.

Words and notes memorized long ago flow from the tongue without thought. Notes rigidly drummed into my mind. Both now flower into something more. Both obey the director. He who knows how to manipulate the audience, to make them feel. To make our hard work turn into beauty and wonder and sorrow and energy.

He takes our energy, our light and molds it to the music. Makes us tell a story with our words and our faces and belay the true power of the emotion with the sound of it. The shape of the sound, the color, the texture; all used to make the song what it is, what it was meant to be.

He reaches into us. He takes what he needs. And he gives it back in a different form. A form that gives us such... that makes us feel.. so... accomplished. That makes us feel whole. Makes us feel like we did what we set out to do. Like a goal was gained and exceeded. As though we have tied another knot in the tapestry of the universe.



So yeah. I have the opportunity to do this for four days while on tour with the choir of my school. No doubt I will come back drained of physical energy, but hopefully I will also come back full of spiritual strength. Feeling accomplished. Feeling more whole.

Before I would seek this experience just for the after affect, just for the opportunity to feel whole.

But now...

Oh, now...

Now I know. Now I feel. Now I experience just for the experience. Now I know what it is to be whole.

I yearn for this experience so that I may show that I feel whole.

That I am who I am.

That I am where I have always wanted to be.

That there is nothing more I want than to be able to live my life.

That I am doing just that.

Living.