At war with myself

This guy, the one who showed me the other side of myself, he is.... amazing. He's kind and funny and quiet.

I am at war with myself. I think like I previously said, that although he has characteristics of the man I would want to marry, he is not that man. Yet I still find myself thinking about him.
Wanting to share with him moments I had only given to myself before, not thinking that maybe, there was someone I could share them with.


Someone I wanted to share them with.

I am at war with myself.


Do I want to share these moments with him because I know that he will understand? Because he is the first that I want to share them with? Or is it because I am supposed to share these moments with him?


Because he is more than a friend?


Or because he is the first that could be more than a friend?


If the former, then.... wow. : ) what will happen? I know I am strong enough now where I was weak before. And hopefully, it will blossom on it's own. If it doesn't, then is the latter isn't it?

If the latter..... I need to stop. and back away from him.


And once I think it through, it is like I said at first. That he is just an example of what I want in my husband.


So I guess there is no war?


Oh I wish it could be that easy.



That he could be... the one... lol. That he could be.... more to me than a friend.



How easy would that be?


So easy.


So, so easy.




And so good.




But life is never that easy.....




not for me.



Why can't this one thing, this one thing that will mean so much to me, be easy?



Everything else is so much harder.






Everything.











Why can't this one thing, this one thing that will be so much to me, that is already so much to me, be easy?


Like coming home..


The journey may be hard and tiresome and horrid,

but the actual event,

that moment where you step in the door,

or over the border and just.... feel .....

That you've finally come home.


That's how love should feel.




Like a gentle sigh in the dark of the night when the body has rid itself of its last burdens.



Like two hands slipping into one another.


Like locked eyes and free smiles.


Like soft hugs and whispered hellos.




That's what love should be.




Where are you?


Why has it been so long?




I need you.