Anxiety and What is in My Heart

The pain continues


But it is my fault



The stress from school is leaving my body, leaving my muscles aching.


I do not help it by going to parties every night.


I am on my period and I don't know how much it affects my actions and feelings.


I know I have to struggle more with un-pure dreams while I sleep and my guard is down.


I do not know if my period is affecting my medication.


I think it is....


but I do not know.




Cursed anniversaries are here and I feel.... as though I do not feel at all



As though my spirit is shutting down my feelings so I do not do something stupid



How can I become strong.



I am being attacked on two sides now.



I think the barrier between my father and myself is strong....


So maybe now Satan is reminding me of the things that happened in May of last year.


Reminding me of all of the things I hoped for.



All of the things I yearned for and wanted more than air.


All of the things I didn't know or understand



I was a foolish girl.


I do not know what I am now.


Am I a smart girl?


Am I a good girl?


Who am I????



What has changed within me?



How can I detect what has changed when i do not even know what was within me a year ago. I do not understand completely what happened....


At least that is what I think...




What I think happened was... pain



I broke the cycle.


But I cannot feel that broken cycle.



I cannot detect the change in pattern....


If I cannot feel the change, what stops it from happening again?


What stops me from choosing once more someone who is more lost than I?


"My memory is cruel, Queen of attention to details...."


What is in my heart?



Where does my heart beat?



"So I learn to listen through silence"



I am changed....



I am different....



But how do I keep myself from doing it again????


I cannot take another heart break.



I cannot take thinking, believing, knowing that I have found my husband....



Only to learn that he is not my husband.




I cannot take another false love.


I cannot take it.


I will break


I will fall


I will fail



Please Father, make me strong and keep me from a fake love as before.


So that if I meet anyone and fall in love with them...


It will be my husband.


Or that I will know that it is not true love.




I cannot take, I cannot breathe in a false love.



I cannot.



I will not.




I do not care if I fall in love again.



I just want to know that the love is not that of my husband and me.


I want to know that it is the love of a friend or a brother or a father or WHATEVER.



Please.


Please.