It takes very little now for my energy to be taken from me. A few minutes of jumping to some music and I feel like I've been jogging for ten. I do not know if it is the Fibro or what. It will be awhile before I will be able to do so...
I want to be held. I want to feel the blessings of the priesthood. I want a father. Heavenly Father is amazing. The spiritual peace he grants me is more than words.... This does not stop me from wanting a hug... Sometimes it's just not enough. I feel bad about this. That after all Father has given me, I still want something I may never have. Something that has been denied me since I was a child.
That quote "Boys aren't worth crying over, but the one who is, won't make you cry." Is a complete lie. There will be some day where I will want the companion of the one who is worth it so much that I will cry like a child. There are nights when I lie awake at night and dream of someone next to me.
Sometimes I worry that my longing for a father will make me want to marry a father figure. Will make me look for the attributes of a father when I look for a husband. Sometimes, when I yearn to meet my future husband, I realize that what I truly want is a brother or a father. I worry that if I become too close to one of my guy friends that I will see them as a brother. That if I do so I will become too close to them. That I will want physical comfort that will become too much for a brother-sister relationship. I don't mean kissing or anything like that, just that I will seek comfort from them so often that I will begin to see them more than a brother. And it is true. When I think of a brother-sister relationship it is closer than it should be. This is most likely because my sisters and I are closer than other sisters. We rarely fight. EVER.
I see now that I have more to grow before I meet him.
How much damage has my childhood caused?
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