Past

Memory.

To know the past mistakes exist. To see them in their human form. One person. One name. It will haunt me forever. He will haunt me forever. Though he may change, and most likely has changed... Who he was... Who I was... will I ever forgive myself? Have I already done so?

My only consolation... What happened had to happen in order for me to be who I am now.


Is that true?


Do I want him to think of me? Do I even care anymore? The ache has definitely dwindled to almost nothing....


I guess what I really want is to see him. To see him on the street.. anywhere when I'm by myself, really.... to make eye contact... to simple give a soft smile and nod. For both of us to know that we can go on with our lives and be better because of it. I think that's what was hardest in the end.... Knowing that he thought he would not find anything better than what we thought we had.... Oh, I hope his vision has cleared....

I want to say that this would give me the power, the ability, to close the door officially. To finally write the end of that chapter... But I doubt myself. Doubt that I would be able to just be... satisfied with that ending... But I think I would be satisfied with it... It would be the ending I have wanted... When I tried to get that ending in July.. it was shoddy. It was a temporary seal waiting for the final forging.

I'm ready for that final forging. I'm ready to see him... To simple look into his eyes and know that the past is over. That we have both let go... And to know that he is not lying to my eyes.


I'm ready to dance.

I'm ready to breathe.

I'm ready to sing.

I'm ready to write.

I'm ready to live.