New

Finally.


Finally, I have found the truth about what happened last year.


I had wanted to know if I was truly loved, and what love really felt like.


I know now what it feels like.



It feels like cool grass on a hot day.



It feels like a warm winter sunset.


It feels like a sweet melody dripping from my lips.


It feels like a quiet song filling the silence.


It feels like the spirit filling me up when all hope is lost.


It feels like the way I see this world and everything in it.



I know what it doesn't feel like.



And I never want to feel that again.



But it doesn't matter, because I know that I'll feel love again.

No matter how much I worry, how much I think


I'll feel love.



And it will be a love like never before.

Anxiety and What is in My Heart

The pain continues


But it is my fault



The stress from school is leaving my body, leaving my muscles aching.


I do not help it by going to parties every night.


I am on my period and I don't know how much it affects my actions and feelings.


I know I have to struggle more with un-pure dreams while I sleep and my guard is down.


I do not know if my period is affecting my medication.


I think it is....


but I do not know.




Cursed anniversaries are here and I feel.... as though I do not feel at all



As though my spirit is shutting down my feelings so I do not do something stupid



How can I become strong.



I am being attacked on two sides now.



I think the barrier between my father and myself is strong....


So maybe now Satan is reminding me of the things that happened in May of last year.


Reminding me of all of the things I hoped for.



All of the things I yearned for and wanted more than air.


All of the things I didn't know or understand



I was a foolish girl.


I do not know what I am now.


Am I a smart girl?


Am I a good girl?


Who am I????



What has changed within me?



How can I detect what has changed when i do not even know what was within me a year ago. I do not understand completely what happened....


At least that is what I think...




What I think happened was... pain



I broke the cycle.


But I cannot feel that broken cycle.



I cannot detect the change in pattern....


If I cannot feel the change, what stops it from happening again?


What stops me from choosing once more someone who is more lost than I?


"My memory is cruel, Queen of attention to details...."


What is in my heart?



Where does my heart beat?



"So I learn to listen through silence"



I am changed....



I am different....



But how do I keep myself from doing it again????


I cannot take another heart break.



I cannot take thinking, believing, knowing that I have found my husband....



Only to learn that he is not my husband.




I cannot take another false love.


I cannot take it.


I will break


I will fall


I will fail



Please Father, make me strong and keep me from a fake love as before.


So that if I meet anyone and fall in love with them...


It will be my husband.


Or that I will know that it is not true love.




I cannot take, I cannot breathe in a false love.



I cannot.



I will not.




I do not care if I fall in love again.



I just want to know that the love is not that of my husband and me.


I want to know that it is the love of a friend or a brother or a father or WHATEVER.



Please.


Please.

Thoughts

So my mind is working again

I was grumpy all day until the sun went down and I found another book to read


I picked wildflowers today and put them in a vase I made in ceramics.


I'm listening to love songs and not knowing what true, pure love will really feel like.



I have an idea of its power and energy and light....


But I don't know for sure



Something tells me it will feel akin to the love I feel for God.

Something tells me that the love I feel for God proves what my heart tells me.


My heart tells me I already love my husband.



But how can I love someone I've never met on this Earth?




Because I didn't fall in love with him on this Earth.



Just like my relationship with God is based on prior, half-forgotten memories, I love my husband because I have always loved him.




I think what I truly fear.... has nothing to do with me not realizing who he is when I meet him... or mistaking anyone else for being him.....


What I truly fear........











Is that he hasn't loved me all this time.




that he will never love me




and not because I am not good enough (I am)...


but because he simply doesn't



or his choices throughout life.....



have robbed him of those half-remembered memories


those memories that I have based all of my love on



with the hope that one day


I may make new memories with him.




I hope this will not happen



But I of all people know that things that should not happen, do happen.



That mistakes are made, and sometimes they are irrevocable and influence many lives.



But I cannot lose hope. I cannot let the fire of my heart die out just because of worry and fear.



Hopefully, one day, I may meet him.


And we will become great friends.


and we may love with a love stronger than any earthly love.






And We shall prevail.

In the dark

The light from my room shines outside my open window. The blinds are up and the dark is just outside. But I am not afraid of it.


I know what lies on the other side.

I have felt it before.

Have felt its coils around me.

It still is somewhat around me even now.

My barrier... I do not know it's strength.


But I do feel a peace inside.


And I know that Heavenly Father loves me.

















I know it will be alright.

coming home in song

As the words fill the air around me,

I remember all of those other times far, far into the past where I listened to this song and felt it become a part of me.

I am reminded of that bond and relishes in its sweetness.

I feel like I've come home in a way.
That a part of me that has been lost for so long has finally been found.
That my heart has remembered how to feel as it once did.
But there is one difference between then and now.


The pain I felt then,

the pain that clouded such sweet moments in song is gone.

I have nothing but the taste of vanilla on my tongue,
the scent of cinnamon in my nose,
the sight of misty colors caught in a whirlwind,
and sounds.

So many, many sounds...


later tonight




I'm feeling...
romantic.
fantastical

and not all at the same time.


I want to fall in love



I want to meet someone who could be my friend forever.


Someone who would come to understand me so well,
he could take care of me the way I want.


I want to know all there is to know about him
I want to recognize in him all of things he has never told anyone.

I want to see into his heart and know it better than my own.


Give me his name at least!!


Let me know the letters, the silly symbols we create to make glorious sound.

Let me know the string of sounds that make up his name. That put into words the essence of his soul.


Alas!


If I knew his name, and I met anyone with his name that was not him, I would cry and ruin the relationship I could have had with that man.

If I know his name, I would not really see him the first time I met him. I would see only someone with the name of my beloved.

And I would break.




Oh but it must be a lovely name.



Once more, I am resigned.

I will wait a while longer.

I will listen, and watch, and pray.


And prepare for that day


That day when we meat, and I see in him an everlasting friend.

A day that would start many other days of goodness and growing love.

Even though there will be hardships.... He will be there.

Whether he is miles away like he is now or so close I could touch him... I would still feel him near as I do now.

So my resignation fills with hope.


It does not matter that I do not know his name.

He is close.

He is near.









He is in my heart.

Strength

So many things.


A giant emotional roller coaster within my heart


My dying father.


He's spiritually attacking me, and although many people won't believe me, and probably won't even know.....


As I say it here...


It makes me feel better


It gives me the strength.


The night brings peace, but the night brings vulnerability, too.


I must stay strong while I prepare to bed, so that my spiritual vulnerability may be a little less. So that when I wake, and go through the day, pessimism and sorrow will not plague my heart as it could.



I want to be strong.


I know I am strong inside.


I've felt it before this started happening.



And I feel that those instances were in preparation for this time.


But I cannot feel that strength now.


I can only plead Heavenly Father to lend me some of his eternal protection.



That I may sever the connection I bare with my earthly father so that he may not plague me so.



At first, I did not know the implications of creating a barrier between me and my wretched father.




But I realized it two nights ago.




I feel as though I must deny the father of my birth, that spiritual tie we all feel, though we may not recognize it.


If I don't, I will be open to his torture. Though he will never understand what he is doing to me, I cannot bear it.



Somehow, gradually I will find the strength once more that lies within me.


Somehow, I will create a barrier so strong between us, that he can no longer hurt me.


That I will no longer feel that connection between father and daughter.


That I will no longer feel his spiritual pain as my own, and be tortured by it.



That I will no longer be his daughter.


And will mourn such a loss.



And will cry.


















And never feel his torture again.

you serious? my life just got better

So my Birthday was on Friday!!! woot! 17!

anywho, completely different point coming

I was online looking at books coming soon ('cause I do that so I can have something to look forward to : P ) and I found this

HOW COOL IS THAT??!?!?!?!

A free book for a cake wrecking photo/video?!?!?!


AAAAAND THEEEEEEEEN
I found THIS

and my life just got 5 times (possibly a hundred times) better!


yeah.


so I'm gonna try and do this thing at my school that'll take down my credit requirements which means less classes next year which means less stress which means better Bitsy.

So I'm hopping that I'll get it and that I'll be able to take care of ME

'cause if I'm lucky then I'll be able to make it so I don't have to do my online homework that I've been signed up for since the end of last school year and still haven't done barely any of it.


oh, and I'm going to hawaii in the summer.

I'm feeling like a hypocrite today. Doing nothing that I say I'll do, never doing anything really, milking off the fact that I'm broken so I don't have to do anything


Who am I anymore?

sunset

Evening is my favorite.

The sun sinks into it's bed across the lake in the mountains. It makes the air crisp and clear. It's dieing golden light kisses my skin and I close my eyes. I do not fear it's touch now, it cannot burn my skin so late in the day. Even as the sky is a myriad of gold and blue, I see the moon rise from her own bed in the mountains nearest to me.

Angels above, do you record these thoughts of mine? Do you see the beauty I see this moment? When I come home to Father and Brother, will I see these thoughts and wish they had never come? Is something coming in the future that will make these thoughts horrid memories? Quickly to shoved away by my fear, shame, and sorrow.

But then I quench these melancholy thoughts from my mind. It does not matter what the future holds, because for now these thoughts feel right. These thoughts are my heart being expressed for the records in heaven. I hope that bitterness will not lead me to hate them, that these thoughts will not lead me to repent. But for now I have only hope.





And the feeling that this moment may just make it into the eternities as a moment my heart cherished, a moment left unblemished.

Body

Sometimes I hate the physical barriers my body has.
Sometimes I hate the spiritual barriers my heart has.


Sometimes, I want to travel.

I want to get out there and explore and do good.

But then I remember all of the things I'd have to take care of while I'm out there

My pills for one.
I know I'll be in pain and won't be able to sleep and will be anxious if I don't take my meds everyday.

My skin for two.
I know I'm more susceptible to skin cancer since it's in my family.

My sleep for three.
I know I need all of my sleep every night or I won't last long

My fibromyalgia for four.
I know it makes it harder for me to do physical activity. High tolerance for pain or not.

My spiritual well-being for five.
I know how easy it is to lose track of the Spirit when I'm away from my family and supportive friends

Where would I get the sacrament every week?
I know I cannot go long without it.




And then I think about all of these things. And remember Father.

And know that it's all for a reason right now.

That I need to push down my yearning for travel until I'm ready.
Until I'm strong enough


It may take days, it may take months, it may even take years. All depends on what I'm trying to do. I may not ever be able to do whatever it is I want to do.


The long run stuff, the big stuff, none of that is spontaneous. But that doesn't mean that the everyday stuff, the little stuff, the stuff that is spontaneous, isn't worth it.


Maybe that's why it's okay that I don't know what I'm gonna do with my career. Because if I did, then I'd feel so tied down that I would shatter.

mystic and rider, persuasion: I believe in love

"He kissed her until the world was changed, and even that was not long enough"



Have you ever thought about this you've never noticed before?

Lots of people write about those types of experiences.


I won't try to say I understand love or that I seek to see knew things I didn't notice before everyday.


I read an article or something or other that talked about finding one's own personal philosophy. That the author wished they had established their personal philosophy when they were younger.



I think, as it is beginning to arise within me, that I believe in love.


I believe in a power higher than the people of this earth.

I believe in the great wind.

I believe in the powerful water.

I believe in the good earth.

I believe in the glorious fire.


I believe that if you destroy the earth, you destroy a gift given out of eternal love.
Wouldn't you want the earth to die of old age and not of a traitorous murder?
But I know that we don't have a choice in some aspects of this.


I believe in the right of the victim, but not the vengeance carried out without the express will of the Lord.

I believe in the priesthood and the delicate line between righteousness use of that power, and the twisted, corrupt use of it.


I believe in the sound of the wind in the leaves, and the soughing of the waves.

I believe in the light of the moon and cool touch of the sun on a spring day.

I believe in the spirit of this earth and all its glorious power.

I think that power is a delicate thing and that only those lead by the spirit constantly truly rule uncorrupted.


I believe that a man or woman who takes away the virtue of a child or anyone else in existence commits an act as heinous as the murder of an innocent.



I know that everyone deserves love, and that everyone has it whether they realize it or not, whether they accept or not, whether they want it or not. I know that love is just like the goodness of the earth, the greatness of the wind, the power of the water, the glory of the fire. Always changing, always reformed and yet always the same. A great constancy in the core of its existence.


I know that love, coupled with the priesthood, has no bounds, no limits, nothing keeping it from doing what it must or what it should.






And I know that no matter how alone I feel, no matter how far I am from civilization, that someone out there will love me with every fiber of his being. I do not know him, I cannot boast of his perfect character, but I feel his presence.

And I know that even if I lose him, he will always be in existence.


That my love for him is sprung from God, and therefore, can never fail.