Void

I feel a void opening inside of me. I don't know if it's hormones from being on my period soon or teenager angst.... but I feel it. The feeling can only be described as...inertia. An unstoppable force taking me forward. Something I cannot deny and cannot refuse...... No. That was all wrong. This void is nothing like that. It's like..... Standing outside while the snow falls. Your jacket and other clothes stop the snow from directly touching you. You can feel the cold and you can feel the moisture in the air... But you cannot feel the snow.. It creates such beauty all around you. It captivates your spirit and your mind. You watch it rush past you, your eyes are unfocused or you are looking at each snowflake as they fall in a profusion of glory. You want to reach out and touch it, but you know it will only be colder. And yet even as you try to reach out from you circle of warmth something stops you. Something is keeping you from moving to feel the little slices of ice melt on your fingertips. You stand without moving. You don't panic, that just doesn't seem like an option. You are trapped and you don't care because you know instinctively that no matter how hard you try, whatever is keeping you from touching the snow is stronger than your will or your heart. That, is what it feels like. It's pretty self explanatory so I won't bother elucidating.

I want to say that I feel him close today. Him being my unknown husband. I want to say I feel so close to him.... But my hormones are crazy right now. I don't know if what I feel is my body or the spirit using my body to tell me something. To let me know he's out there... Is this feeling real? This is the void I feel. The absence of knowledge. The not knowing if what I feel is real.... If what I feel is true... I stopped trusting my feelings on love long ago. Can someone become so different within a year? What is within me? What is it within me that is so afraid.. and when will I confront it? How can I trust myself after so much pain? At the time I truly thought I was being saved, thought that this was what love felt like. Now I know better.... But I don't think I could really trust myself until I was tested again... I need to be tempted to fall in love... and choose not to... or I will lose myself again.