Past

Memory.

To know the past mistakes exist. To see them in their human form. One person. One name. It will haunt me forever. He will haunt me forever. Though he may change, and most likely has changed... Who he was... Who I was... will I ever forgive myself? Have I already done so?

My only consolation... What happened had to happen in order for me to be who I am now.


Is that true?


Do I want him to think of me? Do I even care anymore? The ache has definitely dwindled to almost nothing....


I guess what I really want is to see him. To see him on the street.. anywhere when I'm by myself, really.... to make eye contact... to simple give a soft smile and nod. For both of us to know that we can go on with our lives and be better because of it. I think that's what was hardest in the end.... Knowing that he thought he would not find anything better than what we thought we had.... Oh, I hope his vision has cleared....

I want to say that this would give me the power, the ability, to close the door officially. To finally write the end of that chapter... But I doubt myself. Doubt that I would be able to just be... satisfied with that ending... But I think I would be satisfied with it... It would be the ending I have wanted... When I tried to get that ending in July.. it was shoddy. It was a temporary seal waiting for the final forging.

I'm ready for that final forging. I'm ready to see him... To simple look into his eyes and know that the past is over. That we have both let go... And to know that he is not lying to my eyes.


I'm ready to dance.

I'm ready to breathe.

I'm ready to sing.

I'm ready to write.

I'm ready to live.

Living

So I've been thinking about it, and I think I like how I think about it.
If I exaggerate it, this is how it feels.

Feet planted. Body aligned.

Breath.

Two breaths.

In.

Out. Sound. Word. Breath. Life.

It is pulled out of me. Over a few weeks time I learn what it feels like to pull this particular piece out of the great well of emotions within me. I am adept at it now. My face moves through the expressions. My voice loops and twirls through the notes.

Kicking and lashing out.

Soft and caressing.

Barely contained grief leaking through. Words turned into wails of fury, passion, and sorrow all in turn. Joy and Hate. Peace and Turmoil. Apathy and Grief. All chained into words and released in sound.

Words and notes memorized long ago flow from the tongue without thought. Notes rigidly drummed into my mind. Both now flower into something more. Both obey the director. He who knows how to manipulate the audience, to make them feel. To make our hard work turn into beauty and wonder and sorrow and energy.

He takes our energy, our light and molds it to the music. Makes us tell a story with our words and our faces and belay the true power of the emotion with the sound of it. The shape of the sound, the color, the texture; all used to make the song what it is, what it was meant to be.

He reaches into us. He takes what he needs. And he gives it back in a different form. A form that gives us such... that makes us feel.. so... accomplished. That makes us feel whole. Makes us feel like we did what we set out to do. Like a goal was gained and exceeded. As though we have tied another knot in the tapestry of the universe.



So yeah. I have the opportunity to do this for four days while on tour with the choir of my school. No doubt I will come back drained of physical energy, but hopefully I will also come back full of spiritual strength. Feeling accomplished. Feeling more whole.

Before I would seek this experience just for the after affect, just for the opportunity to feel whole.

But now...

Oh, now...

Now I know. Now I feel. Now I experience just for the experience. Now I know what it is to be whole.

I yearn for this experience so that I may show that I feel whole.

That I am who I am.

That I am where I have always wanted to be.

That there is nothing more I want than to be able to live my life.

That I am doing just that.

Living.

gah!

gah! i have stuff to write. but yeah distractions! so yeah ttyl

No, I could not be a creature of the dark. I look at my skin. So unique and fragile. I listen to the way my heart beats. Silence my thoughts and feel the soul the I am. I see through these eyes and take the time to find the glory in all of it. I search for the photographic lines that make beauty what it is. No. I could not become a creature of the dark. I know that what they say in books about vampires and witches and fey. I'm quite certain it would be a wonderful experience. But I also know that all of that is Satan. That the glory they feel is black. That the beauty they experience is a knock-off. I know that although their priestcraft sounds wonderful and self pleasing and in some cases it even feels like they use their priestcraft to help others it does not change the fact that it is priestcraft. That their healing and all the other ways they "help" others eventually breaks. Eventually their actions will have consequences. I could not live with those consequences. I could not live through the pain I would eventually cause myself and others.
No, I could not be a creature of the dark. I may know the beauty of the night. But the night is only beautiful because it is created by God. I know that my potential is great. But I must not forget that my potential can lead down dark paths if I am not careful. If I do not listen to the Spirit.
No, I could not be a creature of the dark because my essence was made by the Light. Because it is within my power to deny the dark power over my being. Because my All Loving Father has given me the choice.
I will not fail him.
It is the least I can do for Him. For all of my brethren. For all of my descendants. For myself.

NEED

just finished the book Need by carrie jones and it made me want to read more of her books but idk if they're clean. But anywho, you should read it. And don't look too hard at the beginning and the fact that it has a normal girl going to a new place and the first guy she meets is automatically gorgeous.... just keep reading. and don't you DARE compare it to twilight. 'cause if you do you will die at my hands.... and fate's hands too.
so yeah, she's pretty hilarious, here's her website

quotes (inspired by Molly)

So I was thinking about how Molly had posted some of her favorite quotes and I decided to follow her lead in a way and post a note on all of the quotes I've collected.


"It's not what they call you that matters, it's what you answer to." -W.C. Fields-

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." -Ralph Waldo Emerson-

"Ouch! My life." Estee Arts

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt-

"like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me"
"who needs air" by classic crime


"My cats protect me from evil"

"If Avada Kadavra turned Cederic into a vampire, what happened to fred?"

"I want it to rain the day I get married"

"Be careful what you say.. it may remind me a of a song that needs to be sung!"

"Find a place to stand and move the world."

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

"Ah music! A magic beyond all we do here."
-J.k. Rowling-

"I have loved the stars too fondly to fear the night"

"I believe in music the way some people believe in fairy tales"

"team jedwasmett; because choosing between edward, jacob, jasper, and emmett is torture."

" a tenor may make the girls swoon but a bass takes her home"

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world"

"Music can be enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime will not be enough for music"
-Sergei Rachmaninoff-

"A man that prays and loves God with his whole heart, is the man I want to spend all my life with"

all of these are from Pieces of flair I couldn't fit on my flair board.



"Some people want to be the sun in someone's life. I would want to be the moon in someone's life. So that I could shine through the darkness and remind them that the dawn will come."

"I do not want a sparkly vampire nor do I want to be one. I've read too many books with amazing guys to pick just one out of the fictional bunch. Besides, God can make a man that's way better suited for me than Edward Cullen."
-me-

"I miss you.. even though we haven't met yet."
-me-

"I have hear that winter's cold will give way to summer's warmth"
"salt in the snow" -classic crime-

little self pity, little randomness

"I wish I knew what he was thinking when he looks at me and smiles."

I don't know where the quote is from, or if it's even worthy of a quotation.... but I saw it on Facebook flair, and it struck a chord. How can you wish something when you haven't even witnessed the thing the wish had supposedly sprung from? So, I rewrite the quote. "I wish I knew him, that when our eyes met, I could see his soul brighten in recognition of my own."......I guess that's a bit different than how the first quote was.... : P

Turning of the subject to something that is such a big part of myself.

My choir teacher has been so for the past two years. All of my choir teachers (I've had two : P ) have become very dear to me, and they both have influenced me greatly.

My choir teacher at present must be truly led by the spirit. He had us do an exercise to try and show the other students the concept of the overtone series. I am familiar with it (though I'm far beyond apt at the subject, I'm in his music theory class... and will probably fail the A.P. test come may :P ) so I just sat back and listened to a class of 164 students sing the overtone series, gradually getting more and more in tune.... Something happened... See, for so long I've wanted to listen to the pure tone of glory that is music.... I didn't realize that what I have been yearning for so long had a name.. or an explanation... But as I sit here explaining what happened today, trying to help you understand the.. completeness I felt in those moments, I find the words to describe what had been my deepest wish for the longest of time.
I have wanted, yearned for the perfect overtone series.... The ability to fill my lungs with air and to effortlessly (or close enough to effortlessly) slip into perfect harmony with those around me.. or the nature around me, actually. Today was something of a beginning. I sat there. My back was straight and supported. My shoulders lined perfectly with my neck and head.. My hips squarely set on my seat, that great space within her expanding and growing, my secret reservoir of breath. Following my teachers instructions I sang the octave of some note or other and listened to it blossom around me. The basses and altos holding the root of the chord, the tenors on the fifth, and the sopranos (that's me, second soprano)on the octave... What wonder took place in that room today... Though we struggled to get in key (we did just come back from break : P ) the glory was there.... The feeling of utter... connection. The feeling of being utterly.. whole, complete, connected end to beginning... what I would give to feel it around me once more.. To stand with my closest of friends and each of us slip into the overtones of some note... To feel that pull that comes from singing... Energy being pulled up from the very depths of your being of your own volition... oh glory be.. Sometimes, when I go somewhere removed from other human civilizations (even though sometimes they're no more than a few yards away : P )I let out a note... there was a place in Virginia in which I did this most.. I rarely do it here in this desert.. But in Virginia, next to the rapids of the creak.. The sound of its innate power and wonder released out into the air before me... I would let out a note.. I never truly did get it right.. But sometimes I got close and I would let out the note and it would fill me up.. Fill the air around me, twisting, sinuously joining itself to the sound of the creak and all of the life around me.... At least, this is what I had tried to do... I realize that now, I never did get the right note, never truly captured the sound of that magnificent example of nature... But I think I could have.. If I had friends, companions with me who understood.. and we could stand there... together... and each let out a separate note, a note that could combine with the creak's own natural overtone... That to me... would embody it's very spirit.. and in doing so give me a taste of something I have only felt in this life... I have felt a small portion of the spirit of water, rock, air, and fire. I have never been able to voice this feeling.. But if we could get it right.. if we could connect all of us to each other and to the earth around us.. I think we could give voice to their spirits.



hmph. silly? most definitely.

Void

I feel a void opening inside of me. I don't know if it's hormones from being on my period soon or teenager angst.... but I feel it. The feeling can only be described as...inertia. An unstoppable force taking me forward. Something I cannot deny and cannot refuse...... No. That was all wrong. This void is nothing like that. It's like..... Standing outside while the snow falls. Your jacket and other clothes stop the snow from directly touching you. You can feel the cold and you can feel the moisture in the air... But you cannot feel the snow.. It creates such beauty all around you. It captivates your spirit and your mind. You watch it rush past you, your eyes are unfocused or you are looking at each snowflake as they fall in a profusion of glory. You want to reach out and touch it, but you know it will only be colder. And yet even as you try to reach out from you circle of warmth something stops you. Something is keeping you from moving to feel the little slices of ice melt on your fingertips. You stand without moving. You don't panic, that just doesn't seem like an option. You are trapped and you don't care because you know instinctively that no matter how hard you try, whatever is keeping you from touching the snow is stronger than your will or your heart. That, is what it feels like. It's pretty self explanatory so I won't bother elucidating.

I want to say that I feel him close today. Him being my unknown husband. I want to say I feel so close to him.... But my hormones are crazy right now. I don't know if what I feel is my body or the spirit using my body to tell me something. To let me know he's out there... Is this feeling real? This is the void I feel. The absence of knowledge. The not knowing if what I feel is real.... If what I feel is true... I stopped trusting my feelings on love long ago. Can someone become so different within a year? What is within me? What is it within me that is so afraid.. and when will I confront it? How can I trust myself after so much pain? At the time I truly thought I was being saved, thought that this was what love felt like. Now I know better.... But I don't think I could really trust myself until I was tested again... I need to be tempted to fall in love... and choose not to... or I will lose myself again.