Storms

I've always loved storms.

Of course, I've always been afraid of them a little bit like any human, but I've fallen in love with that fear, too.

My mom and I stood in the wind on our porch as a Hurricane depression scoured through our part of the state. The winds were 70 Mph and we saw the green flare of electricity charging in the air, blowing out transformers.

As a child I stood watching mushroom clouds descend on our little town and wanted to stay out longer, though my family brought me in.

If there were no tornado warnings or too many lightning strikes, Mom lets me go outside in the rain.

And though the rain here is a bit of a pansy, the wind isn't and I feel it rage so marvelously against me, and I know the glory of nature.


So if you wish to have my heart, which I doubt you do, but if so...



bring me a storm.


Filled with energy and light.

Filled with the forces hopefully no man will ever be able to contain.

And show me.


Show me what you see when faced with God's glory.


Show me what fills your heart when the thunder booms and the light slashes and the wind tears and the rain pelts.


And maybe....


maybe, if our hearts are mirrored....


If what you show me and what I show you...


If what you feel and what I feel...


If all comes as one, whether it be two differents or two sames...


Then love me.

Oh please love me.





For surely, I'll love you

Him

I want a Raoul from Phantom of the Opera.

Someone strong and gentle and good.

Someone to guide me and listen and respect me.

To love me as the woman I am.

I know I am not ready for such a powerful love...


But I want it to start developing now.

But then, when I think of it further, finding a friend who is him and all that jazz, it doesn't sound right.

I just want what I told my friend a few days ago.

I want someone to be interested with me, and for me to be interested in them.

For both of us to acknowledge this and to realize that we cannot pursue such a connection until we are both ready.

I want it to be so comfortable with him... that it would be like coming home.

That's what I truly want.

To realize how comfortable I am with someone and be okay with not being with them in that way until we're married.

I want him to be strong.

To know his limits and be comfortable with himself.

To know his Father is real and to believe in the Gospel.

I know my family and friends love me, I do not need his love because I know I already have it...

I just... hope he is okay.

I hope he is becoming who Father has always intended him to be.

I hope he knows that he is loved by a girl who hasn't even met him on this earth yet.

I hope he knows what I am learning.

I hope he has learned to be strong and good.

So if you ever find this out there, whoever you are, I hope you know all of this.

Know that even when it seems there is only Father with you, I am there, too.

And I love you with more of my heart as could be given.

And I know we are bound with more than just this world.

And I know that you are a good man, a sweet man, a wonderful man.

And even if you don't think so, it doesn't matter, because you will be.


I love you, whoever you are.

Before and Now

Before, last year.

Emotions would take hold of me in their fists.

I would exhaust myself, describing those emotions in exaggerated details.

Now... those moments of immense, beautiful, painful emotions have become something else.

Moments of pain and uncerainty and anxiety.

Moments when my barrier would be weak and Satan would enter my heart.

I've cried to Father to help me understand how to rid my heart of these moments.

I've cried to Him, to help me have moments of clarity and vividity but without pain and sorrow.

He has answered me.

My heart was open and seeking Him, and He placed the answer in my mind and I set it in my heart.

So, what I want to say is that if you ever were in my company during one of those moments of sadness and anxiety, I am sorry.

I am trying to train myself to see the complexity outside of myself.

To bring back the poetic beauty of my mind, but in the light instead of the dark as before.

I ask you to disregard whatever I said or did in my dark moments.

I know it may be a lot to ask, but it is all I can do for now.

The only thing I can do until the moment comes.

When I successfully transform my dark moments into bright moments filled with the Spirit.

When I can describe in breathtaking detail the beauty I see everyday.

I thank you, dearest friends for being patient with me, for looking past the fog and trying to see the beauty behind the darkness.

For seeing the person I will become.

For seeing the person I am willing to fight for more than anything on this earth.

Once I get her out, I'll be able to pay you back for your undaunted kindness.

To show you the love I have always harbored for you.

I love you all, dearests of my heart,

Elisabeth

Nevermind

I am so silly.


Gosh!

I really know how to over react.

Something wasn't right, and I knew it.


I went to the temple.


The sun has set, but the mountains are outlined with a beautiful pale blue.

The wind blows in gust, growing in strength.


When I went to the temple, the Lord kept with me.


I am so silly!


I was being way too dramatic about the whole love thing.


It's like what Mom said, he may not be the one I will fall in love with, but he did show me what real love is like.


It is a hand slipping into someone elses.

It is the comforting smile that makes me breathe for the first time in so long.

It is the pleasant conversation who is open to understand.


He may not be the one I will marry, but that doesn't matter.

For the second time he's shown me something I couldn't see.

I wanted so bad to know if I would marry him.

Why do I always ask those questions?


It doesn't matter.


All that matters is that he has shown me what love is.


And maybe it'll work out...


And maybe it won't...


I don't know if I evem want it to...





But I know now that it's okay if it doesn't

I feel

I feel love

I can hold it in my hands.

Like Lillies and Orchids.


It's like paint in my hands.

Beautiful, beautiful paint.


Pouring in my hands, coursing in my veins.


I feel it and I love it and I can't deny it's beauty.


But...

Does he feel it?


It is not the cloying love of teenage hearts.

It is.... something more...

Something beautiful and so much better than all of that.


It does not demand anything.

It does not leave and come in waves.

I may not sense it sometimes, but that is my own subconscious choice.


But...

Does he feel it, too?

Does he recognize something akin to it within him?

Or does he, too choose to egnore it?

Does he not feel that pull?


.... My only hope....


Is that it is true.


That the love I feel is true.


If I knew it was true....


Then I would wait forever for him to recognize it.


I would sit in eternity, going about my missionary work. Doing all of the things Father would want me to do.....


And wait.

And wait.

And wait.













Because if this love is the love I think and feel it is...


It is worth it all.


It is worth an eternity of solitude.

Watching dearest friends grow and blossom into Fathers and Mothers.


And knowing... that the man I would have, the man I am meant to have.


Doesn't even know.

Doesn't even see.


Because this love....


Is sweeter than any I have known.




But...


if this is not that sweet and good love...



Then....


I do not know.



I cannot imagine a world where the image of his spirit is not burned into my heart.


I do not know what would happen.






















But I must clarify.

I do not want to become so serious with him.


I just...

want him to feel how much I care for him.

How much I just want him to be happy.


And know that I am there for him.


No matter what.


I just... want to be his best friend.

I love you

I love you.

I protect you and teach you and make you grow.

I give you beauty and I give you light.

You are my siblings

The Being who made me made you.

We are forever connected.

When I die, you will die, too.

We are one, you and I.

Why can't you hear my voice?

I know it speaks inside of you.

Your voice speaks inside of me.

The Spirit connects us, we cannot be separated.

I cannot leave you, though you believe you can leave me.

We are bound.

Hear my voice.

It speaks within you.

Love,

Nature