Christmas Eve : )

So it's Christmas Eve
: D
I painted my finger nails (green with red polka dots). I've been spending my time with Becky. She's the best sister anyone could have, she knows me so well. I would not trade her for billions of dollars or thousands of books. I hope i will be able to find a man I will love just as much as I love my family and my Heavenly Father. The snow has been purely amazing. We tried to make an igloo, Becky and I, but we got tired too quickly and made a penguin and a snowman. I'll upload those photos later. I'm wearing my Christmas pajamas and asked Mom to put braids in my hair like she did when we were little.
I've been thinking about writing lately. Of course, I'm always thinking about writing or music but whatever. I was thinking about how a good author is a writer who can describe the ordinary in captivating ways. I don't know if I could really be an author. When I write it's only one feeling I'm describing in such dramatic detail and that alone takes so much energy out of me I don't know if I could write a whole book worth of it, let alone a short story. Now I understand what they mean about practice. If I practice writing in such vivid conditions I may be able to become so accustomed to it that everything I write would have that deep undertone of color and life.
I guess I'll have to keep writing in my blog huh?
MERRY CHRISTMAS! I LOVE YOU ALL!

sweet clothes and jewelry

dude this stuff is SWEET! hahahahah

Letting Go

So yeah, I have this guy-friend.... We have a really twisted history... I've been wanting to leave the friendship for a while.... But I couldn't because I felt obligated to be an example to him. See, he's left the church... and I've watched as his pain and hatred grows and spreads. His eyes have become more and more clouded and his sight has become twisted. His parents either do not see the pain he is in or do not know how to help him. They yell at him, tell him he should be more like his brother who has his own faults. He does not understand many things. This past year he has left the church, and I see how he hates what the church can do to some people. See some people follow the church, but Satan still has power over them. They do not love and seek to understand those they care for. Their minds become narrow and their hearts shrink into withered forms of what they once were. He does not see the inner joy and light that the gospel brings. He has had no one be the positive example for him. I have tried to show him the positive. I have tried to stay by his side and comfort him. I have tried to show him the light and the life that the gospel brings. I have not done a good job. I have shown him my weaker side, the side of me that falters from the Spirit late at night. I have been influenced by his need and his wants. I have let myself bend my standards in order to try to help him. I cannot fool myself any longer. I tried to tell him this. The words were not said correctly, the feelings influenced my thoughts and my words. My great ache for him to feel the love of the Savior kept me from hearing the Spirit. I could not explain to him what I meant. I could not tell him that I could not see him. I could not tell him that I wished I could show him the piercing light that brings so much joy. I cannot lift him up from the ground, to turn his eyes to the light that shines through any darkness. I have failed him as a friend. But still, I cannot harbor anger towards myself for this. What's done is done. When I told him I could not see him but could still talk to him online and such, he wanted to cut off all communication. I waited for his anger to pass. I wished so hard in those few days that he would not become so hard-hearted as to not understand.
I spoke with him again yesterday. I still cannot see him again. He said that he would come to my school today for lunch. He never showed, or at least I never saw him. This is by far not the first time he has done this. I have wanted to just leave this friendship behind me completely, to be free of the ties that make me sad when he does not follow the Spirit, for many weeks now. I am almost to that point. There is only a small part of me that still wants him to come back to the light.
But I know even years from now, if I ever think on him again it will be in a subtle ache that he would have known the glories of God. That he would have witnessed the Pure Love of Christ. That he would finally come back home to the church and find someone to marry faithfully in the temple.

If you ever read this, I'm sorry if even now I still do not understand you. If my words are pointless and my thoughts are frivolous to you.

Breath

Constricting in my chest. I try to yawn, forcing the soft pallet up, trying to induce the action and failing miserably. I try once more, concentrating on my lungs, I force them to fill. I hope that it will happen. That moment I long for. The moment when a secret place inside of me seems to open up, the breath scoops down into my body and I am content. I feel the tension that builds in my neck, I lean my chin in my hand and twist my neck left then right. Two clicks to each turn, I try to breathe again. Once more, the second I get close to that secret, full breath my ribs freeze and I can't possibly get anymore air into me.
I feel as though half of my life has been spent on this struggle. If I stress myself out or don't get enough sleep I cannot breathe the next day. I cannot yawn.
I cannot breathe. Nothing is here, it gapes in front of me. I am desperate to breathe. Desperate for that secret place within me.

thoughts

I think about life. How fragile it is. I heard once that it only takes three minutes without new breath to make a person die. I wonder if that is true. I think about all of the minutes that go unnoticed in my life. I can't beat myself up for that. There will always be a life that goes unnoticed, someone who dies alone.
Words crowd in my head now and I cannot find the words. They come into my head and they do not sound my own. They sound like the words of someone who hates life. Who does not understand their own place in life. I cannot think without music. I cannot think of such deep things without silence or music.
I want to be under the moon. To be out in a field of high grass with the night all around and forests in the distance. I want to look up and gasp with the ultimate glory of the night sky. Nothing will ever come close to that great tumult of light and dark. To find the same chaos and out of place calm that mixes within myself reflected back at me in such a grand scale. My heart will never be the same. I yearn for that night.

Beethoven

He wrote some amazing stuff. (silence i think it's a piano concerto) (his fifth symphony which everyone knows, but i really like the first movement since that's all I've been able to get my hands on so far) (lacrimosa)

So basically I have nothing going through my head today. I think today is one of those input days, while most days are output days. Like today I want to read books but other days I want to... well.. sort of... well to be honest I want to write books. That urge has been stronger lately, the urge to write books I mean. Usually I just have a blip of a scene like in a movie or a wisp of a story line, but recently it's been more... detailed I guess. I've actually wanted to write about what I know, the pains I know, the fear I know, and even the joy that I know. The ultimate glory in life that courses through me only when I am connected to the Spirit or the earth which is always through the spirit... so I don't know. See that's the thing, I kind of hate it when I read books with a strong view of Christianity. Since I am so convinced that my gospel is the only true, complete gospel I find it hard to tolerate books that are built upon the very contradictions I don't believe in. I'm also afraid that if I read books strongly oriented in their own gospel of Christ that I will lose my own foundation. I guess another reason why I don't write about the Spirit is because I don't know a lot of things about the Gospel, but I know that it is true...
See I can describe the feeling, but I cannot describe the reasons behind it. Yet, I know the reasons... in my soul. See, that's where music comes into play. I think that if I learn how to sing well enough I would be able to express every part of it. But I can't. I can't write it, I can't speak it, I can't sing it, I can just... feel it. The Spirit... the feelings I get when my soul recognizes the truth of the things I read, the things I see, nothing. Nothing will ever.... Nothing will ever be great enough to encompass the shear glory of the moment in which the whole being is filled with the true realizations that come only from the Gospel of the Savior as taught by the Latter-day Saints of His church.
May my mother be forever blessed for joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
hahahaha oooh the joy.

There goes my head again

My head is doing something... I can't quite place where I've felt this pain before.... It finally came to me while I was telling my friend about the awkward pain in my head. FAINT! One time, I almost fainted in dance class 'cause I hadn't been drinking enough water (as usual) so I spent like felt like forever sitting against the wall trying to keep my breathing normal. Yeah, so I don't have that vertigo that you usually get, but I have that awkward pain behind my eyes and other places that I can't detect. The pain behind my eyes is the only pain I can put words to.. the rest of the pain is in... well that's the thing, it's like a ghost pain and I can't figure out where exactly it is.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia this past year and although I was used to adapting to the pain, since I got on medication my body has made the transition and I felt the pain I had ignored for all those years for a small amount of time. Anywho, I don't really care about pain anymore, but dude, it feels funny.

Anywho I think it was just hunger that caused the feeling, since I recently ate cereal and am now finishing an orange. The pain is gone and I'm perfectly back to normal