Light and Change

She sits so complacently in the sunlight. She's been my companion through so much.


So much is changing. Truly changing this time.


It's not an illusion.


Everything changes.


Everything stays the same between us.


I know the love between us is stronger than ever now.


Sisters and Mothers.

Life seems like a great tapestry with each thread a moment in the day. A heart that beats on and on into the dark.

How will I ever find my way home again?

It's been so long and I'm worried that I've lost my way.

But then a hand extends, a heart opens and I find peace again in their reassurance.

How will I live without them? How will I go on and stay strong enough?

How do I show them? How do I tell them how grateful I am for the strength they show and give me every day?


They've taught me so much.


To love and live.


To see and change.


To be strong and see what's inside of me without seeing only what I choose to see.


They tell me things, and I drink them up like I never did before.


They are my strength.




They are my family.

Seeing the Truth

I wanted so much to run away last night. To run away into the fast flow of the future. But I can't. Mom taught me to see again. My mind, my heart taught me to look, to search, to find. All of those things that make life so beautiful and wondrous. But Mom is teaching me to see and find things that are not so gorgeous in the way I'm used to. She's teaching me to see the truth in myself.

Seeing the truth is harder than seeing the beauty sometimes.

And a part of me doesn't want to see the truth. A part of me wants to turn away. Wants to ignore what Mom says and jump ahead into the future and all that could lie ahead of me.

But I know what would happen if I leaped before I ran.

I would lose so much.

And so many people would be affected by it, even if I didn't know.

So I'll have to learn to sit and learn quietly in mind and spirit.

Oh heart, how will we not leap?

How will we not try to fly?

Somehow.


I'll learn.



I'll learn to see the truth.

Today

Today I found out that the same friend who might have leukemia has decided that she's lesbian. I don't know if it's just for her girlfriend, and I'm happy for her, but I'm also a little sad. I'm glad she's found support, finally. And I'm glad she's willing to accept help, but something about the situation is making me sad. I think lesbian and gays are cute, a lot of times cuter than other straight couples.

Maybe it's because her heart is too weak to withstand leukemia treatment. Maybe it's because if it doesn't work out between her and her girlfriend, and my friend dies... She'll never know. Maybe it's because if she doesn't die, she'll be heading down a path I can't call her back from and she won't be able to hear anyone for a long time probably.

Maybe it's because, no matter what happens, I'll be losing a friend that I had hoped would come back. I had hoped that she would see the immense strength I see in her.

That she would see the source of that strength.

And be thankful to the right source for every breath she has in her.

I had hoped that she could know.

But she may never do that now.

And now all I can hope for is that she has amazing teachers later in her life, or in the next, whichever comes first.

Passenger Seat

I think I've already posted about this song, but I just listened to it for the first time in a long time and I fell in love with it again.

"I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time."

Girl of Color

I am a girl of color. I love color. It is everywhere and I am it. It is all around us and it can change how we see everything.

When you're reading, color defines the landscape in your mind. The writer gives you a thing, say the ocean. An image pops into your head. Hopefully it's a big blue-green wet thing. But then the writer continues to tell you that the low summer sun blazes through the waves, lighting them up from behind. Making the world before you a swath of aquamarine gold.

Now doesn't that change things? Doesn't that fill you up with emotion?

This is why I love color.

This is why I am a girl of color.

This is why I love taking black and white photos.

Surprised?

Maybe not.


I love going out and taking black and white photos.


I'm creating something.


It's like writing a story. You're trying to translate this glorious world in your head into words. Defining it, giving it shape and texture.


When you take a photo, it's the same process. You're trying to take this world of color before and translating it into a world of grays, whites, and blacks.


But I like taking photos better than writing. I didn't think I would ever say that, but it's true.


For some reason, writing is harder. I think it's because finding the right word is harder than finding the right angle.


There are so many words, so many ways of putting them together, but there are only a certain number of minutes before the lighting leaves you.


I think I like photography because it keeps me here. It hones me in, and I'm getting good at it. Ceramics can ground me and get me rooted, but it's harder to translate. I don't remember the rules.

Photography is different. We connect. I can translate it easier because, while I've only written for a little while, and I've only mucked about with clay for a few months, and I've only sung for a few years, I've been seeing my whole life. I've always been surrounded by things to see and evoke emotions with that sight. So now that I have a camera in my hand, I can translate. As long as I know the rules in photography I can translate so much. So much of all the things that have entranced me all my life, so then they can entrance people who see my photos. And even though I'm not incredible, I know that with more work and practice, I can get to the point where someone looks at my photo, someone like me, and they can be moved just as I have been moved by so many other photos.


I want entrance people.

I want to translate all of the glorious things I see and feel so others can be moved.

So others can gasp and feel the world open up before their eyes.

So others can feel the love and light of this world brighten inside them.


So others can feel their souls again.