Things

.... there are so many things... so many changes... so many adventures and tragedies and.... changes


my family and I aren't announcing it yet.... but I don't know how I feel about it yet... and I don't know what's going to happen or what I'll have to do when it does happen

I thought it was happening last year... but i thought a lot of things happened last year... when they didn't... so much of the past two years was all a fake. a facade I didn't know existed... or that I was creating it..

My father is dying. He is dying. He has cancer that is in it's most advanced state. Although this means I get a new outfit (I'm thinking a lavender dress with red lipstick and maybe red heels if my sister lets me), he's still my father... the only one I have for this body of mine... When he's dead (whenever that will be, i mean, i have no definitive knowledge of the time obviously and he could pull a fast one and live longer than my whole family) and my family and I are finally free of his shadow... relief and grief will co-exist. Even though we have healed (as much as possible) spiritually... his existence on this earth still has a power over us... and once that is gone... the bogey-man won't exist any longer......

I got sleeping meds the week after tour and the doc told me that in my house it's like knowing that the bogeyman is real and knowing he could be anywhere (he's treated mom and my sister so he knows the background and such)... and always knowing that he could be there... when my father dies..... so does the perpetual bogeyman....

I'm..... worried about how I will hold up.... and how my family will.

My sister, the one I am closest to, is leaving for college. and although I know in my mind that she won't become like my eldest sister... I fear history repeating itself with her...

and as I'm dealing with all of this.... one of the girls in my new drama class is killed. shot in the basement of a friends house by accident. I was the newbie in the class. the one without any dramatic experience. The one slightly frightened and shy of them all. She was nice and sweet to me. She made me feel welcome... and now she is dead. She is dead and I won't be able to become friends with her. Won't be able to get to know her, to share inside jokes. and the poor kid who shot her by accident. he thought the gun wasn't loaded. how horrible he must feel. how wretched and guilt ridden. How will he know that it wasn't his fault? that no one blames him? and what about the other people she was with when it happened? Do they blame themselves? my friend that I was talking to had begun to start to like her while she was alive. begun to harbor feelings for her. had hung out with her the day before. He has already seen so much death in his life. So many of his friends of already died of various causes. For this to happen to him... to all of us... I hope she knows how much she will be missed... and know that we will never blame her for any heart ache we feel because of what happened. I hope she knows that she was worth it. That she will not be remembered just because she died so young, but because she was kind. Because she was a beacon of light in these dark times.

May you rock out on the other side of the veil, kat mikolasy.