Drowning

"I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore

I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together is just ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.


Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, and I can hardly relax or even oversleep
But I feel warm with your hand, in mine, when we walk along the shoreline
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow


So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
Yea, All the time.
All the time.

Time together is just ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
*Only* time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.

Time together is just ever quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time

Oh, All the time"

"Saltwater Room" by Owl City


Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning here. I try to take a breath, but water pours into my lungs. It rushes in and I try to cough and splutter the water out, but more comes rushing in. The realization hits me that I won't be able to take another breath of air, ever again and I begin to asphyxiate, suffocate,

Die.

Lost in one moment, never moving forward, never moving back.

Stuck.

Suffocate. To overcome or extinguish; suppress.

What am I doing here?

Who am I? This is not me. I am not this person. I am more than this.

This is not meant for me and it never was.

What was the benefit of coming here? For me to come to a land that sweeps me off my feet aesthetically but asphyxiates any chances of actually being with that land?

What am I doing here?


This is a time of dreams and love making with the passions of life. This is a time to fall in love with the sky. With a tree. With Life itself.

This is a time to write stories and love family and find truth inside myself in spite of oppression and discouraging falsehoods.

This is not the time to sit and wait for someone to call me and tell me I got a job. This is not the time to wait and sit and wish I were doing something.

This is a time of doing. Of Action and Triumph and Wonder.




This is a time to fall in Love with Everything and Nothing.

Different and Yet, Always the Same

I keep my blog background filled with sun even though it's so dark here. I feel like I'm drowning in it. Yet I know that if I were by myself I would be able to temper the sadness sooner and more effectively. It's how I felt about Hawaii. I love being there, I just didn't care for who I was with. I watch over some kids and I hate it. I hate how people raise their kids, thinking to myself that I will not raise them in such a manner, that I know best. But I know that everyone is different, everyone makes mistakes, I could never be the perfect parent.

Yet I know the effects of a parent's mistake, I know how it changes everything in the child's life.

So I question whether or not to have children at all. And with these thoughts floating in my mind, the question begs to be asked.

Am I destined to travel the world, alone? To be in all these different places by myself with no one to share it with?

I want to be married, so desperately. But I know that my husband will get on my nerves most definitely. But am I supposed to hope that he does not get on my nerves as much as... say, my sister? Is that a given fact?

I want love. I want to be happy. Content. Joyous in the simple company of another soul.

I am not who I was. I am not where I used to be. And yet... I still feel the same in some ways.