I want to create something lovely and dramatic and terrible. I want it to be horrible, because my works of art usually are terrible pieces of art. Usually, they're little tidbits of potential with all the grace of a fumbling, blindfolded child. But I'm tired of trying to make myself beautiful for other's eyes. I want to be beautiful for myself. For my own eyes, and who cares what people think. All I care about is my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I just want to be true and pure for Him. I want to make Him smile. I want life, full and true and beautiful and terrible. I want to share it with someone.
My sister and I... we're two halves of one whole. We make sense to each other. She took care of me for most of my life. She was my mother before she ever was my sister and she was my sister before she ever was my friend. Now, I can't describe how well I know her. I may not be much good for giving my opinion on matters concerning clothes. I may not be a regular source of creativity and ideas, but I understand her better than a whole ton of people. I don't really even know why she hangs out with me so much, why she loves me as much as any sister loved. We were talking a few nights back about that. About how much we're connected. How hard it'll be for us to find husbands who could be just as close to us individually. How hard it'll be for her to find someone who understood her as well as I do and how hard it'll be for me to find someone who understands me as well as she does. I told her that I had a hard time even finding friends because of it. That every time I went out with my friends that I felt like I could show only one part of me. I was always hiding a part of me, always trying to show them the side of me they wanted to see, the one that they would feel more comfortable around.
She told me that she doesn't look for people to understand her as I do. That she just looks for people she can have a good time with.
I don't know if I could do that. I don't know how to do that. It still feels like faking it. It still feels like I'm some awkward child. Like I'll never be socially inclined. How can I be like my peers? They make their fears and troubles, loves and passions come and go. Each one a rush of exhilaration and adrenaline. Darting in and out of existence like mist. They bury their feelings so quickly, shed them like a second skin, molted and peeling. I feel like my skin is peeling, flaking away, dying to be shed and yet somehow it still clings to my every movement. How can I have one carefree evening? I try so hard sometimes, I let go. But still, there are moments within those nights when everything crashes in on me. And on the nights I succeed in dashing fears and tossing anxieties to the winds, I regret it later. I think about what was said and done and I wish I hadn't.
So what do I do, now? I'm so tired of just showing the side of that's safe. The side that everyone wants to see. I want to say what comes into my head and not look around in embarrassment afterward. I want to say what I want to say. Not what I'm supposed to say. I'm tired of it. I'm so frustrated about this. I don't want to be fake to myself. I don't want to be one person with my friends and someone else with my family. I want to be who I am all the time. I'm tired of staying up late to read books in the quiet of the night just because then the real world drops away and the one in my mind, in the pages, can be even more real to me. I'm tired of censoring myself for the benefit of others. I'm tired of holding back, of not asking questions when I want to, of pretending I feel the same about something when I really don't have an opinion.
I'm tired of not wanting to offend someone. I'm tired of faking it. I'm so frustrated, so drained, so totally and inexorably done with faking it. I'm tired of feeling nothing just so then I can pretend to feel exactly the same about whatever it is someone is talking to me about.
Does any of that make sense?
Basically, I want to not be afraid of having an opinion.
Basically, the way I see the world is that people are stupid. We just are. We do bad things unintentionally. We do bad things on purpose. There are too many people doing bad things knowingly. There are people out there doing amazing things out there, taking care of other people. Taking care of the Earth. I want to go out there and do good things with purpose.
I'm realizing that the Evil I fight everyday... it'll always be there. I thought that maybe, one day it wouldn't be there. That it'll only be for a little while that I'll have to struggle. That maybe, if I'm good enough in this life, I could gain a day with out Evil.
But that's not going to happen. I'll never have a day without Evil on my back in this life. I'll just get better at fighting. My muscles will get better and stronger at beating it down.
I'm also realizing, that although I'm wanting to fight the death of the Earth, it's going to happen anyway. Why fight for something that's dying. Why fight when I know, eventually, because of the prophecies Evil will be beaten forever. Why fight for a people who will never... never find truth? Why fight for a lost cause?
I don't want to kill the Earth. I don't want to kill my home. I don't want to give up on my siblings. I don't want to. I don't want it. I don't. I will not have that blood on my hands. I won't be responsible for the death of such a glorious, wonderful thing. Something that was made for me, something that was given to me to govern righteously and with compassion. I will not let it die in pain and agony.
I will stand up and fight this. I will fight the dark, and I will win. Every day. Every step will be one of color and Light. I will fight the Dark within and Dark without. Shame will not slide its icy finger down my back again. I will not hold hands with doubt any longer.
The anger will leave me soon. I will stand for truth and goodness and beauty. I will find my way. I will find whatever avenue it is that will let me fight against this Darkness that hides in the shadows and gallivants in the day as truth. I will find the way that has been chosen for me to fight.
And one day, I will stand victorious alongside my Brothers and Sisters and we will give a great cry of Love and Light and Truth. And no one will stand against us.
I will be Free.
I will not be alone.
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