I've been feeling a lot of things lately.
But one has been prevailing.
One that may over take all that I feel and do and see.
One that makes me weak and want to cry.
I feel as though Satan may have found the perfect angle at tearing me down to his sadistic level.
And the sad thing is that there may be a half truth in it, in what he says.
He says that I'm inadequate. Inadequate and mediocre. In everything I do, I find that I feel half as good as I can be.
That in everything I do I could be so much better if only I put more work into it.
But I can't put more work into it.
My body is such that I can't.
And I feel as though I am over exaggerating my own weakness.
That I'm not really as fragile as I feel.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to test my strength when so much of it is needed in my school work and school always finds a way to rid me of all my energy.
And yet I cannot do well in school without finding how much strength I have.
Something isn't right. Something isn't working.
I can ignore it. Oh, can I ignore it.
But while I do, I end up doing nothing. I am absolutely not productive at all. I feed my mind with words and worlds and laughs and voices and music.
So many things that don't exist otherwise.
I want to cry with the wanting of it.
My life is a string of moments.
When you look at them all together it is an ugly mess of misshapen things.
Things that you would not want to see ever again.
Things that I have done, but mostly things I have not done.
And then there are these bright shining moments.
But I never made these things happen.
God blessed me with all of my happy moments.
None of them were of my making.
I am ashamed that they were gifts instead of things that I strove to gain.
How can I do Him any good when I am filled with such apathy?
An apathy that lurks beneath the surface of all I do.
I am so talented at pushing things out of my mind.
But they are all the wrong things to ignore.
They are all the things that should occupy my mind the most.
I am so empty.
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