vast expanse of sky

Things spin worlds create themselves and dissolve into dust within my mind's eye. All through the power of music and the inspiration of nature.

Whenever I try to picture in my mind how I would describe a good song I usually see myself in some great open place from a great plain to a majestic theatre with music blasting from the ground and resounding in the air. To be so landlocked and to feel the power of the heavens in the air around me.
Everything is perfect in these songs.
They are perfect, shining moments in the universe. Created by my mind registering everything going on around me.
They tumble out of me and shoot out into the stars and vast expanse of sky.
They are defined by me and created by me.

They are my own.

And they are all the more precious for one characteristic.

I have never spoken of them.
Never have they been released out into the sky by my physical body.

And so they stay, locked within me. Sent out into the silent universe in all their original glory and color of my mind. Never dimmed by being bound to words and definitions and theory.

But do not fear.

They are safe from being bound.

They live on within me.

Every time the music swells over me.

Laps at the shores of my heart.

And spin out into the vast expanse of sky and the glory of the 'verse.

where does your heart beat?

Where are you my prince... my brother.... my love?

I watch movies and read books and see love blossom as the rose.

When will ours do the same?

Sometimes I feel close to you,
like I've never been truly separated from you....

and although I know that this is enough for now...

I still wish....

wish for the future to be...

magical as it is....

that I will feel as glorious as I feel....

when I look up at the sky and all around me and feel the glory of My God and know...

know

know that there is more to this life.

that there is a future where i am with you....

and the world is perfect in its glory...

And I have come home to my Father with my hand in yours...



Where are you my prince?

where does your heart beat?

do you know of your lineage, yet?

do you know the glory and strength of your heart?

do you know the power of the priesthood within you?

do you feel the greatness within you?


Where are you my brother?

where does your heart beat?

do you feel, as I feel, the closeness of our spirits?

is what I feel just wishful, naive thinking?

do I hope greater than what I will receive?

do you feel the connection that I feel?


Where are you my love?

Where does your heart beat?

do you feel what I feel?

do you see what I see?

do you understand the ache I feel for you?

do you ache for me, too?



I ache for you.
There is a place under my ribs.
In my chest.
In my heart of hearts.
Does it beat when you are so far away?
How can it beat, for even now, you are far away?
And though I know that I am complete all on my own
as a woman
as a girl
as simply,
Elisabeth
this is who I am.

But this is not enough.
I am myself.
I am true and sure and strong.
But it is not enough.

Not enough to simply look in the mirror every day.
Not enough when my heart aches as it does.
Who are you?
What is your name?
What do you call yourself in your heart of hearts?

I ache to do the Lord's will.
To marry and bare children.
To raise them true and strong.
To help others with my pottery and my photography and my music and my words.

But the last things are easy enough.
I have been able to do them all.

But it is not enough.
The former things that I ache to do...
I want to do them.
I want to prepare and become worthy of such blessings.

Where are you?
Where does your heart beat?
Where does your soul reside?

Do you look out into the darkness late at night and think of me?

Flow

Something has been... released. A weight has been lifted. I got my hair cut.

ha.

How often is it that every time something happens in my life, I get a haircut? Very.

Things are falling into place.

I think back now, on yesterday. It was a very... different day. I feel now how precious and fragile all of this life truly is. I'm not gonna give you that old two-bit line about how quickly this life can end. But... you feel the veil thin once you've gone to a funeral. Wow, that sounds insensitive doesn't it? But it's true.


So we're starting to learn our songs for region in my choir class. We started learning them a while ago, but I've been preparing for solo/ensemble region so I'm a bit behind. This song is simple. I don't know if this version has the same words as the one I'm singing and it may not sound like a great song, but the version taht we sing is... breath taking

It's called "How can I Keep from Singing"

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation
I hear the real, thought far off hymn
That hails the new creation
Above the tumult and the strife,
I hear the music ringing;
It sounds an echo in my soul
How can I keep from singing?

What through the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth
What through the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since love is lord of Heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble, sick with fear,
And hear their death-knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging
When friends by shame are undefiled,
How can I keep from singing?



So much is changing. I feel everything around me shifting. I feel like the bed of a great river where it flows lazy and slow. It changes slowly. The water moves over it

Out of Breath

It takes very little now for my energy to be taken from me. A few minutes of jumping to some music and I feel like I've been jogging for ten. I do not know if it is the Fibro or what. It will be awhile before I will be able to do so...

I want to be held. I want to feel the blessings of the priesthood. I want a father. Heavenly Father is amazing. The spiritual peace he grants me is more than words.... This does not stop me from wanting a hug... Sometimes it's just not enough. I feel bad about this. That after all Father has given me, I still want something I may never have. Something that has been denied me since I was a child.

That quote "Boys aren't worth crying over, but the one who is, won't make you cry." Is a complete lie. There will be some day where I will want the companion of the one who is worth it so much that I will cry like a child. There are nights when I lie awake at night and dream of someone next to me.

Sometimes I worry that my longing for a father will make me want to marry a father figure. Will make me look for the attributes of a father when I look for a husband. Sometimes, when I yearn to meet my future husband, I realize that what I truly want is a brother or a father. I worry that if I become too close to one of my guy friends that I will see them as a brother. That if I do so I will become too close to them. That I will want physical comfort that will become too much for a brother-sister relationship. I don't mean kissing or anything like that, just that I will seek comfort from them so often that I will begin to see them more than a brother. And it is true. When I think of a brother-sister relationship it is closer than it should be. This is most likely because my sisters and I are closer than other sisters. We rarely fight. EVER.


I see now that I have more to grow before I meet him.

How much damage has my childhood caused?

Kat memorial

It was one of the most moving things I've witnessed. The band played some awesome pieces of music and some of the family was there. They had a table set up with her picture and some post cards that we could write on to give our support to the family. ... I didn't know her well... but I cried. I really.. really don't like the world. Some things that happen are just so... wrong. So unjustified. She better get one hott husband.

I wanted to tell the parents how much their daughter felt me feel welcome in my class, but so many students surrounded the couple, and I didn't want to get in the way of Kat's close friends. Then, when they were crossing by me, I had to tell them what Kat meant to me. I reached out and laid my hand on what I presume was the father's shoulder. When I told him that Kat had been so kind to me, he asked if I wanted to talk with her mom. I guess, now that I think about it, it was probably a family member who was offering the mother support as she went among her daughter's friends to hear their condolences. When I told her about Kat, she hugged me, telling me how good it was of me to tell her that. I would not have expected her to do something like that. She is definitely one awesome lady. I hope she continues to find out the great things her daughter did for all she met.

Things

.... there are so many things... so many changes... so many adventures and tragedies and.... changes


my family and I aren't announcing it yet.... but I don't know how I feel about it yet... and I don't know what's going to happen or what I'll have to do when it does happen

I thought it was happening last year... but i thought a lot of things happened last year... when they didn't... so much of the past two years was all a fake. a facade I didn't know existed... or that I was creating it..

My father is dying. He is dying. He has cancer that is in it's most advanced state. Although this means I get a new outfit (I'm thinking a lavender dress with red lipstick and maybe red heels if my sister lets me), he's still my father... the only one I have for this body of mine... When he's dead (whenever that will be, i mean, i have no definitive knowledge of the time obviously and he could pull a fast one and live longer than my whole family) and my family and I are finally free of his shadow... relief and grief will co-exist. Even though we have healed (as much as possible) spiritually... his existence on this earth still has a power over us... and once that is gone... the bogey-man won't exist any longer......

I got sleeping meds the week after tour and the doc told me that in my house it's like knowing that the bogeyman is real and knowing he could be anywhere (he's treated mom and my sister so he knows the background and such)... and always knowing that he could be there... when my father dies..... so does the perpetual bogeyman....

I'm..... worried about how I will hold up.... and how my family will.

My sister, the one I am closest to, is leaving for college. and although I know in my mind that she won't become like my eldest sister... I fear history repeating itself with her...

and as I'm dealing with all of this.... one of the girls in my new drama class is killed. shot in the basement of a friends house by accident. I was the newbie in the class. the one without any dramatic experience. The one slightly frightened and shy of them all. She was nice and sweet to me. She made me feel welcome... and now she is dead. She is dead and I won't be able to become friends with her. Won't be able to get to know her, to share inside jokes. and the poor kid who shot her by accident. he thought the gun wasn't loaded. how horrible he must feel. how wretched and guilt ridden. How will he know that it wasn't his fault? that no one blames him? and what about the other people she was with when it happened? Do they blame themselves? my friend that I was talking to had begun to start to like her while she was alive. begun to harbor feelings for her. had hung out with her the day before. He has already seen so much death in his life. So many of his friends of already died of various causes. For this to happen to him... to all of us... I hope she knows how much she will be missed... and know that we will never blame her for any heart ache we feel because of what happened. I hope she knows that she was worth it. That she will not be remembered just because she died so young, but because she was kind. Because she was a beacon of light in these dark times.

May you rock out on the other side of the veil, kat mikolasy.