Light in my hands

Boredom Killers

2011-11-12T12:26:00.002-07:00

So I'm moving to a place that can be really isolated. I'll be away from family and having a hard time with having enough energy to do things and blah blah blah. So I've decided to make a list of fun things that I can do with my friends on my time off that'll relieve the boredom. I want them to be high to medium level energy games that are in actuality, fun, are easy to explain, and can be ended quickly and/or go on forever without dying in boredom. I've got three plus one random-not-really-game-thing. Leave comments if you have any other games that are tested and true to be fun : D.

Oh yes. The smaller the hiding spaces, the more the people, the better. : D Sardines

Ultimate Ninja

I have no idea how/when this game came into existence (something about flash mobs I think) but it is made of awesome.

Hot Lava

Indeed. One of the best Boredom Killer Games when you don't have a lot of space.

Also, the not-really-a-game-thing is to take a stuffed animal and hide it around town, take pictures of it, and then drop the stuffed animal off at someone else's place with the photos, challenging them to do the same and give it anonymously to someone else.

Can anyone else tell I'm insanely excited for this job?

The Maned Wolf and the Future

2011-10-18T01:50:00.003-06:00

This is the maned wolf. It lives in South America. It likes rodents and small mammals and a lot of vegetation from cane-sugar to fruit. It's not a fox, wolf, coyote, jackal, dog or anything else. It's a whole different category and I think it is amazing. I love its stick legs and its fluffy huge ears. So I'm using it as inspiration to make this new animal of mine for a story.

To be honest, the only reason why I tell you this is that I am trying not to think about something unpleasant and also not do something that is probably a lot healthier than writing about some canid. It would work, but I can't tell you more about this little creation of mine since (as my mom is always telling me) you could totally steal the idea. Hence why I am also not sharing story ideas. It doesn't really matter if they're good or not, I like them well enough to try to protect them while they develop.

I may be getting a job soon. I really do hope so. Gosh there are so many things that I want to talk about.... and can't. Not where people could read about it. Thank heaven for sketch books.

I just want to skip this week. I want to be where I'm heading. I just... want this week over with. I know that it will be the hardest week I've had in... a month ( :P ). I want to be able to support myself and get things done. I want I want I want. Whine Whine Whine Me Me Me. Ugh.

Hopefully sometime this week I'll be able to head to the nearby animal shelter. Taking care of cats will totally be an uplifting experience. Hopefully there will be many good people looking to adopt. I wish I could. When I am on my own and stable, I'll definitely focus some of my savings on getting a cat. If my apartment allows it. If not, then it's to the shelter again to take care of cats until I can get into a place that allows them. Not that I'll drop the shelter after I get a cat, oh no.

I just... wish that this week were over.

Weddings... Because I am a Girl.

2011-10-15T22:07:00.005-06:00

I love weddings. What can I say? I lean more toward the pretty and soft :P. Anyway, I love vintage weddings that are unique the most. The different ideas that people come up with are just beautiful. How they come up with ways to make all those ideas work together is amazing. But I'm looking at the pictures on this vintage wedding blog, and I keep thinking about my own wedding (yes I know : P) One thought comes back again and again, "I get to be married in a House of the Lord. In a temple!" and all those other venues look so sad in comparison. Have you ever been inside a temple? For an open house or anything? It's so beautiful. All white and shining and you can feel the glory of it. You can feel the Spirit all around you. Your heart fills to bursting with a silent choir of angels singing. And you know that nowhere else on this Earth will feel like this. There's only one place where you can feel that... reassurance. That strength buoying you up, making all your troubles feel so manageable. How silly you were to worry about this or that. As long as the temples stand on the hilltops nothing, nothing, will be able to take the glory of God from the Earth. We've been promised. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will always be there; to guide, to uplift, to strengthen. I thank my Heavenly Father for letting me know how insignificant, how strong, how blessed I am.

So when I wake up on my wedding day, I'll be waking to a world of light and love and safety. And nothing will ever persuade me otherwise.

Made for Awesome

2011-10-06T15:03:00.003-06:00

I love Mckinley's books and the auction is for a good cause!!! I'm still debating between the special edition of Rose Daughter (because it's gloriously illustrated) or a doodle -fied Chalice (it's my favorite of her books, but I already own a copy :P)

Do you love fantasy author Robin McKinley’s books Blue Sword, Sunshine, Pegasus, The Hero and the Crown, Spindle’s End, and others? Check out the sale and auction of signed and dedicated books, special doodle-licious books, and other goodies. All proceeds will go to the New Arcadia Bell Restoration Fund. Ends 9-Oct-2011 http://robinmckinleysblog.com/bells/ Repost this to share the joy with fellow booklovers!

The Waiting Game of Confusion and Lameness

2011-04-16T01:48:00.002-06:00

There's no money for packing tape and Mom and I are to leave in two weeks. We have ten boxes packed along with four tubs. The tubs contain mostly blankets along with Christmas things.

Lovely.

No word yet on whether or not I got accepted into the Honors Program. They were to decide today.

So I wait and sit and read and write and design wedding dresses. The dresses are getting quite pretty and the writing is complicated and lovely. Though I am running low on books. No matter, I am to go to the library tomorrow anyway.

My life has become this madness of staying up to late in order to make the days of nothing seem not so small even when I could be doing something I just.... don't.

Darn it that new medication is supposed to work! I really don't want to up my dosage since once more it does not seem to be enough!

NO! I can't. We officially no longer have medical insurance. Lame. Lame. Lame.

So I sit and wait and draw and read and write all while my cat is practically chained to my lap all day and insists on following me around (Not that I don't particularly enjoy the fact that she does this, I quite love it actually, but still.)

I just want to know if I got into Honors! I am such a goose.

Past, Beauty, and Thunderstorms

2011-03-29T02:27:00.004-06:00

It's late and I'm feeling particularly author-like. So I'll spew out my thoughts and emotions, some have been waiting to come out for some time now while others are just recent.

I'm thinking of many things at the moment. Of course, it's partially because of the lateness of the hour and the number of books I've allowed myself to read- and some I've forbidden.

Two things are first and foremost.

The influence of the past on the present. I'm seeing the pictures I found of my dear brother. My only brother, the only one I've ever known besides my ever-loving Heavenly Brother. My dearest earthly brother. I was blessed with his presence and the promise of his care, but it did not turn out as it was supposed to, as everyone says older siblings are to be. All because of "unspeakable" horrors committed in the past, never to be understood fully because they were just that "unspeakable". How can you come to understand something you are not taught to understand? Of course, there is still hope for my brother, still an opportunity for him to come back, to find peace. But if only he would let go.

Whenever I do think of my brother my thoughts always lead to this brick wall, this final obstacle: If only he would let go of the past and find faith in the future.

I pray for him to feel peace nearly every night. I wonder if it even works.

I wonder if he did not have the natural chemical imbalances in his brain if coming back would be easier.

And always I know that these thoughts are useless. All I can do is hope he finds peace either way, and maybe sometimes allow myself to also hope for the day he stands with me. That we will not be separated in such a way in the eternities, that he will find forgiveness from himself and God before the time comes for that final judgement.

At this point I usually start hurting in my chest area, my throat starts closing up- you know, all that.

My other foremost thought is a little more worldly- the difference of ugliness and beauty.

One of my favorite story re-telling that I love to read is any form of Beauty and the Beast. I think a part of it is because you have so much to change and expand on. In some versions he stays a beast at the end, others he becomes a handsome prince. Sometimes he gets his family back, sometimes not. Sometimes the servants are simply invisible, sometimes transformed into furniture (though why the poor servants of such a supposedly terrible prince would have to suffer too is beyond me). Sometimes he's a magician, too. In others, he's not even guilty of being ugly on the inside when he is enchanted, only misunderstood and blame heaped upon the spell caster. Then you have the girl. Sometimes she's ugly, sometimes beautiful, sometimes simply plain. Other times she is an only child, or she has two sisters who are just as spoiled as the beast is supposed to start out as, or sometimes her sisters are promised to lovers lost at sea or falling in love with a local man. The appearance of the sisters themselves is varied, sometimes they are just as beautiful as Beauty, others they are plain and hate her or plain and love her, sometimes they make fun of her for being ugly and with such a deceiving nickname.

(Sorry I got carried away I could go on, but I won't.)

But you see, even as I try to think up new versions, it continues to bug me. I don't even really know what it is about it that irritates me. Maybe the way the Beast in some versions seems to watch Beauty and her family a bit too obsessively, but that's not really it either. Now that I'm thinking about it some more, I know what it is.

In almost every version I've read, the Beast in the end transforms back into this beautiful prince. It's as if the spell caster is saying to Beauty, "Good job! You figured it out and somehow fell in love with that disgusting Beast! Here's a beautiful prince for you and all the trouble you've been through."

What a way to undermine your supposed moral lesson.

How in the world is Beauty supposed to remember to look on the inside of people instead of the outside if she ends up with someone who is beautiful in all respects?? And for that matter, how is the Beast supposed to remember to keep his heart pure?

Well, maybe it's a little easier for the two, them being main characters but what about everyone else?

"Oh, I guess that's okay Beauty that you had to go spend so much time in an empty enchanted castle with a great Beast because now you're married to this strapping young lad and who cares about what he looked like before? He's obviously a good man, him being so handsome!"

She's being rewarded for good behavior with this transformation, like it's a bonus, "You get the man you love AND he's handsome!"

What the heck is that?

Why should it matter? Honestly, I hope I wouldn't trust that beautiful man who took the place of my beloved Beast.

I think that's why I like the version Rose Daughter the most by Robin McKinley. (I also love her other version which most people know entitled Beauty)

It gets me thinking about my own thoughts on beauty, and honestly I don't think there's anything that isn't beautiful with time. Beauty isn't really beauty anyway. It's a matter of familiarity. You are exposed to something over a long period of time and judge everything else to that. You come to love that something and anything different form it just isn't good enough. When you are confronted with something so drastically different, you cringe away in fear and misunderstanding. Just as the seamen will look at the crowded forest in panic, the drastically different bone structure of another person will have you backing away in disgust.

So of course Beauty would love Beast over time. And no doubt, if the story were real, in the versions where he becomes handsome in the end Beauty would compare him to her beloved Beast. Maybe she would even come to mistrust him over the years because of how different he looks than her Beast. Who knows what would happen to their marriage.

So maybe I wouldn't mind being Beauty, as long as I got the choice to keep my Beast and not trade him for some pampered prince.

Thunderstorms keep slipping into my thoughts. The wind lashing every which way, never deciding what direction it wants to go, only knowing it wants to rage. Rain falling from brooding, low, and gray clouds so frequently you cannot see ten feet in front of you. Lightening cleaving the sky and making the world come into sudden, erratic bursts of focus and comprehension. Even the heavy, thick heat before the storm, sometimes days in advance. I miss it. Thunderstorms here are weak, paltry things. The drops may be fat, but they are far apart from one another and the lighting so infrequent and the thunder held up around the mountains' crowns. It's like they don't have enough energy in their war getting over the mountains that they simply are too tired to ravage the land properly. I miss that tingle of fear. I miss every part of it.

I am a silly goose who needs to go to bed.

Good night.

White-Nosed Coati/Pizote/Antoon

2011-03-05T14:29:00.002-07:00

So! I've decided to feature an awesome animal that I've found.

Name/s: White-Nosed Coati, Pizote, Antoon, Tejon

Habitat: Found mostly in regions shown below. More specifically they are found in canyons of desert mountain forests near water. (They can also be found begging for food in Costa Rica, I found a photo of them hassling a car and its occupants but I couldn't find out if it was a major city. Though presence of asphalt indicates a town at least.)

Behavior:

They're naturally diurnal (awake during the day) They retire to trees at sunset and climb down at dawn to begin foraging. When they're hunted by humans/ when they raid human places for food then they become more nocturnal.

The females (that happen to be way smaller than the males) and immature males group together to make social groups of 6-24 in number (AKA families!) (oh, and the adult males just wander aimlessly ;) ). They clean each other's fur like monkeys with their teeth and claws. Oh! and they talk to each other! How cute is that!? The Young cubs (cubs? really? kits? something like that) are left with baby sitters during the foraging time.

So when they are out during the day, they're actually pretty noisy. They chitter to each other the whole time and they hold their tails up like lemurs do, almost straight up in the air. They forage all day 'cause their appetites never let up and they kinda act like raccoons in that they're nosy (they're actually members of the raccoon family so it makes sense).

They *get busy* in the Spring and give birth 11 weeks later in little rocky niches in woody canyons or in nests they built in palm trees.

Food:

They love fuit and insects the most, but they also eat lizards, roots, nuts, and eggs.

Animals that eat them:

Humans (go figure)

Boas

Raptors

Hunting Cats

Tayas (soon to be featured?)

Random Cool Things:

They are easily domesticated! Also, they raid trash cans and campsites. Also, there is one other member of the species, the Brown-nosed Coati (go figure) and it lives in only South America.

More Accurate/ Detailed information:

Here

Main Sources:

Here

and Here

Drowning

2010-12-24T02:30:00.002-07:00

"I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore

I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together is just ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.

Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, and I can hardly relax or even oversleep
But I feel warm with your hand, in mine, when we walk along the shoreline
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow

So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
Yea, All the time.
All the time.

Time together is just ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
*Only* time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.

Time together is just ever quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time

Oh, All the time"

"Saltwater Room" by Owl City

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning here. I try to take a breath, but water pours into my lungs. It rushes in and I try to cough and splutter the water out, but more comes rushing in. The realization hits me that I won't be able to take another breath of air, ever again and I begin to asphyxiate, suffocate,

Die.

Lost in one moment, never moving forward, never moving back.

Stuck.

Suffocate. To overcome or extinguish; suppress.

What am I doing here?

Who am I? This is not me. I am not this person. I am more than this.

This is not meant for me and it never was.

What was the benefit of coming here? For me to come to a land that sweeps me off my feet aesthetically but asphyxiates any chances of actually being with that land?

What am I doing here?

This is a time of dreams and love making with the passions of life. This is a time to fall in love with the sky. With a tree. With Life itself.

This is a time to write stories and love family and find truth inside myself in spite of oppression and discouraging falsehoods.

This is not the time to sit and wait for someone to call me and tell me I got a job. This is not the time to wait and sit and wish I were doing something.

This is a time of doing. Of Action and Triumph and Wonder.

This is a time to fall in Love with Everything and Nothing.

Different and Yet, Always the Same

2010-12-24T02:21:00.003-07:00

I keep my blog background filled with sun even though it's so dark here. I feel like I'm drowning in it. Yet I know that if I were by myself I would be able to temper the sadness sooner and more effectively. It's how I felt about Hawaii. I love being there, I just didn't care for who I was with. I watch over some kids and I hate it. I hate how people raise their kids, thinking to myself that I will not raise them in such a manner, that I know best. But I know that everyone is different, everyone makes mistakes, I could never be the perfect parent.

Yet I know the effects of a parent's mistake, I know how it changes everything in the child's life.

So I question whether or not to have children at all. And with these thoughts floating in my mind, the question begs to be asked.

Am I destined to travel the world, alone? To be in all these different places by myself with no one to share it with?

I want to be married, so desperately. But I know that my husband will get on my nerves most definitely. But am I supposed to hope that he does not get on my nerves as much as... say, my sister? Is that a given fact?

I want love. I want to be happy. Content. Joyous in the simple company of another soul.

I am not who I was. I am not where I used to be. And yet... I still feel the same in some ways.

Stories

2010-08-03T00:04:00.003-06:00

So many stories roil in my mind all day. A word, a whisper of an idea and suddenly I see things happening, a story beginning to play out. Always it is only a sentence or two, only a ghost of a true story.

What am I supposed to do with them? Am I to chase after each one, coax the story out of each one? Are they all to be written, to be heard and read? Certainly, it is not so, some of them are not very promising.

So maybe I'm not supposed to go after each one. Maybe I'm to keep them all in my heart and in my mind, holding them until I can use them. Maybe they're just waiting to be mentioned in one grand story. Maybe all they want is to be what they are when they come to me, simple sentences and inclinations. So I listen, I feel and hold and keep. I don't know the true story waiting to be told. I don't know the grand story that's waiting for me somewhere. Maybe I'll find it one day.

Want (Love is Watching Someone Die, Who's Gonna Watch You Die?)

2010-07-23T23:29:00.003-06:00

I want to create something lovely and dramatic and terrible. I want it to be horrible, because my works of art usually are terrible pieces of art. Usually, they're little tidbits of potential with all the grace of a fumbling, blindfolded child. But I'm tired of trying to make myself beautiful for other's eyes. I want to be beautiful for myself. For my own eyes, and who cares what people think. All I care about is my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I just want to be true and pure for Him. I want to make Him smile. I want life, full and true and beautiful and terrible. I want to share it with someone.

My sister and I... we're two halves of one whole. We make sense to each other. She took care of me for most of my life. She was my mother before she ever was my sister and she was my sister before she ever was my friend. Now, I can't describe how well I know her. I may not be much good for giving my opinion on matters concerning clothes. I may not be a regular source of creativity and ideas, but I understand her better than a whole ton of people. I don't really even know why she hangs out with me so much, why she loves me as much as any sister loved. We were talking a few nights back about that. About how much we're connected. How hard it'll be for us to find husbands who could be just as close to us individually. How hard it'll be for her to find someone who understood her as well as I do and how hard it'll be for me to find someone who understands me as well as she does. I told her that I had a hard time even finding friends because of it. That every time I went out with my friends that I felt like I could show only one part of me. I was always hiding a part of me, always trying to show them the side of me they wanted to see, the one that they would feel more comfortable around.

She told me that she doesn't look for people to understand her as I do. That she just looks for people she can have a good time with.

I don't know if I could do that. I don't know how to do that. It still feels like faking it. It still feels like I'm some awkward child. Like I'll never be socially inclined. How can I be like my peers? They make their fears and troubles, loves and passions come and go. Each one a rush of exhilaration and adrenaline. Darting in and out of existence like mist. They bury their feelings so quickly, shed them like a second skin, molted and peeling. I feel like my skin is peeling, flaking away, dying to be shed and yet somehow it still clings to my every movement. How can I have one carefree evening? I try so hard sometimes, I let go. But still, there are moments within those nights when everything crashes in on me. And on the nights I succeed in dashing fears and tossing anxieties to the winds, I regret it later. I think about what was said and done and I wish I hadn't.

So what do I do, now? I'm so tired of just showing the side of that's safe. The side that everyone wants to see. I want to say what comes into my head and not look around in embarrassment afterward. I want to say what I want to say. Not what I'm supposed to say. I'm tired of it. I'm so frustrated about this. I don't want to be fake to myself. I don't want to be one person with my friends and someone else with my family. I want to be who I am all the time. I'm tired of staying up late to read books in the quiet of the night just because then the real world drops away and the one in my mind, in the pages, can be even more real to me. I'm tired of censoring myself for the benefit of others. I'm tired of holding back, of not asking questions when I want to, of pretending I feel the same about something when I really don't have an opinion.

I'm tired of not wanting to offend someone. I'm tired of faking it. I'm so frustrated, so drained, so totally and inexorably done with faking it. I'm tired of feeling nothing just so then I can pretend to feel exactly the same about whatever it is someone is talking to me about.

Does any of that make sense?

Basically, I want to not be afraid of having an opinion.

Basically, the way I see the world is that people are stupid. We just are. We do bad things unintentionally. We do bad things on purpose. There are too many people doing bad things knowingly. There are people out there doing amazing things out there, taking care of other people. Taking care of the Earth. I want to go out there and do good things with purpose.

I'm realizing that the Evil I fight everyday... it'll always be there. I thought that maybe, one day it wouldn't be there. That it'll only be for a little while that I'll have to struggle. That maybe, if I'm good enough in this life, I could gain a day with out Evil.

But that's not going to happen. I'll never have a day without Evil on my back in this life. I'll just get better at fighting. My muscles will get better and stronger at beating it down.

I'm also realizing, that although I'm wanting to fight the death of the Earth, it's going to happen anyway. Why fight for something that's dying. Why fight when I know, eventually, because of the prophecies Evil will be beaten forever. Why fight for a people who will never... never find truth? Why fight for a lost cause?

I don't want to kill the Earth. I don't want to kill my home. I don't want to give up on my siblings. I don't want to. I don't want it. I don't. I will not have that blood on my hands. I won't be responsible for the death of such a glorious, wonderful thing. Something that was made for me, something that was given to me to govern righteously and with compassion. I will not let it die in pain and agony.

I will stand up and fight this. I will fight the dark, and I will win. Every day. Every step will be one of color and Light. I will fight the Dark within and Dark without. Shame will not slide its icy finger down my back again. I will not hold hands with doubt any longer.

The anger will leave me soon. I will stand for truth and goodness and beauty. I will find my way. I will find whatever avenue it is that will let me fight against this Darkness that hides in the shadows and gallivants in the day as truth. I will find the way that has been chosen for me to fight.

And one day, I will stand victorious alongside my Brothers and Sisters and we will give a great cry of Love and Light and Truth. And no one will stand against us.

I will be Free.

I will not be alone.

Sunlight

2010-04-07T10:44:00.003-06:00

Maybe there was something to all those words about waking up with the sun.

I woke up before the sun climbed into my little crescent of the valley.

I like that word: Crescent.

I like it because it has a secret in it. You type it out and there's that secret "c" that you can barely hear when you whisper it.

Crescent.

Anyway.

I love my cat. I love my house, I love the big fat windows. We have horrid lighting in these apartments, all of the windows face south or north, none of them in direct line with the sun.

But the windows themselves, the amount of light that creeps into the south-facing window during the morning is magnificent. I love the view, too. It's all bare branched trees and mountains, albeit the fat building across the parking lot. I still haven't decided what color that building is. It's a golden tan without that brown tint that's in most bricks. It's almost unnatural, really.

Anyway.

I love how the sun rises. It's like a secret delight. You don't really notice how much it truly moves until you think how dark the room used to be. It's such a steady change, this unchangeable force bringing light into the room, the house, the life of whoever is there to notice it.

I realized recently just how majestic our mountains are. Now that I have glasses to see them, I can see how truly... true they are.

They are untouched majesty and.... power. I just love how no matter where you go in Provo, you look up and BAM. True untainted proof of God and mercy and justice. True, natural all moving justice and grace.

Gosh, I'm feeling good today.
It must've been the sunrise.

It was like a sunrise in my heart.

"Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to hurt you feel inside
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to hurt you feel

I was brought up through the ashes
Like a phoenix birthing wings
And I will fight for my disasters
I will take the flight of kings
And if your life is ever torched
Or if you know the pain I sing
Then will you sing with me this chorus
And we will cut through people's hearts and free them"

Gosh that sun is gorgeous. Sigh I'm coming down from that ecstatic joy I had a few moments ago.

I'm becoming more comfortable with myself and my doubts and fears, my sins and repressions.

Sigh.

Oh, I think my ride is here.

Ope, nope.

Sometimes I feel so old.
And not the old that everyone thinks about, but the other type. The ancient type.

You see, sometimes, I feel so infinite.

Like I'm doing something that has been done, or was almost done, or was denied so many times that I'm just walking in a path that I've always known.

And it's not a bad feeling or a caged feeling or anything like that

It's more like a comfort, a reassurance.

Like; I've done this before, I've always done this and I'm where I'm meant to be as I always have been. I choose my path but I've already chosen it, it's all past and future and present, but that's okay because I know that either way, I'll be taken care of and I'll be cared for. Because I am who I am and that's amazing. I am who I am because I am someone bright and wonderful and I have a potential like none other known. I will be who I am meant to be and everything will work out as it has done and will continue doing.

It's quite an amazing feeling, actually.

Anywho, I should get going. Be true.

Feelings

2010-03-29T17:18:00.002-06:00

I've been having a craving lately.

So much has been words and imagination in my mind.

I want to create things now.

I want to take things in my hands and make something.

I want to make a mural.

Of everything I've seen.

Even as I write these words, I know it's not the write medium. I want a fat sharpie. A big black one and one of a bright color, red or yellow or orange. I want to color a huge poster board with paint and words and images that I've taken and shared and hated and loved and seen the potential. I have to do this. I have to.

It's wanting to come out of me. Out of my fingers and toes and eyes and ears, pouring out of me like nothing else before it. I need to buy some paint.

Secret Veiled Vestal Virgin

2010-02-07T22:03:00.005-07:00

I've been feeling a lot of things lately.

But one has been prevailing.

One that may over take all that I feel and do and see.

One that makes me weak and want to cry.

I feel as though Satan may have found the perfect angle at tearing me down to his sadistic level.

And the sad thing is that there may be a half truth in it, in what he says.

He says that I'm inadequate. Inadequate and mediocre. In everything I do, I find that I feel half as good as I can be.

That in everything I do I could be so much better if only I put more work into it.

But I can't put more work into it.

My body is such that I can't.

And I feel as though I am over exaggerating my own weakness.
That I'm not really as fragile as I feel.

But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to test my strength when so much of it is needed in my school work and school always finds a way to rid me of all my energy.

And yet I cannot do well in school without finding how much strength I have.

Something isn't right. Something isn't working.

I can ignore it. Oh, can I ignore it.

But while I do, I end up doing nothing. I am absolutely not productive at all. I feed my mind with words and worlds and laughs and voices and music.

So many things that don't exist otherwise.

I want to cry with the wanting of it.

My life is a string of moments.

When you look at them all together it is an ugly mess of misshapen things.

Things that you would not want to see ever again.

Things that I have done, but mostly things I have not done.

And then there are these bright shining moments.

But I never made these things happen.

God blessed me with all of my happy moments.

None of them were of my making.

I am ashamed that they were gifts instead of things that I strove to gain.

How can I do Him any good when I am filled with such apathy?

An apathy that lurks beneath the surface of all I do.

I am so talented at pushing things out of my mind.

But they are all the wrong things to ignore.

They are all the things that should occupy my mind the most.

I am so empty.

Light and Change

2010-01-21T13:26:00.002-07:00

She sits so complacently in the sunlight. She's been my companion through so much.

So much is changing. Truly changing this time.

It's not an illusion.

Everything changes.

Everything stays the same between us.

I know the love between us is stronger than ever now.

Sisters and Mothers.

Life seems like a great tapestry with each thread a moment in the day. A heart that beats on and on into the dark.

How will I ever find my way home again?

It's been so long and I'm worried that I've lost my way.

But then a hand extends, a heart opens and I find peace again in their reassurance.

How will I live without them? How will I go on and stay strong enough?

How do I show them? How do I tell them how grateful I am for the strength they show and give me every day?

They've taught me so much.

To love and live.

To see and change.

To be strong and see what's inside of me without seeing only what I choose to see.

They tell me things, and I drink them up like I never did before.

They are my strength.

They are my family.

Seeing the Truth

2010-01-15T09:13:00.003-07:00

I wanted so much to run away last night. To run away into the fast flow of the future. But I can't. Mom taught me to see again. My mind, my heart taught me to look, to search, to find. All of those things that make life so beautiful and wondrous. But Mom is teaching me to see and find things that are not so gorgeous in the way I'm used to. She's teaching me to see the truth in myself.

Seeing the truth is harder than seeing the beauty sometimes.

And a part of me doesn't want to see the truth. A part of me wants to turn away. Wants to ignore what Mom says and jump ahead into the future and all that could lie ahead of me.

But I know what would happen if I leaped before I ran.

I would lose so much.

And so many people would be affected by it, even if I didn't know.

So I'll have to learn to sit and learn quietly in mind and spirit.

Oh heart, how will we not leap?

How will we not try to fly?

Somehow.

I'll learn.

I'll learn to see the truth.

Today

2010-01-10T17:33:00.002-07:00

Today I found out that the same friend who might have leukemia has decided that she's lesbian. I don't know if it's just for her girlfriend, and I'm happy for her, but I'm also a little sad. I'm glad she's found support, finally. And I'm glad she's willing to accept help, but something about the situation is making me sad. I think lesbian and gays are cute, a lot of times cuter than other straight couples.

Maybe it's because her heart is too weak to withstand leukemia treatment. Maybe it's because if it doesn't work out between her and her girlfriend, and my friend dies... She'll never know. Maybe it's because if she doesn't die, she'll be heading down a path I can't call her back from and she won't be able to hear anyone for a long time probably.

Maybe it's because, no matter what happens, I'll be losing a friend that I had hoped would come back. I had hoped that she would see the immense strength I see in her.

That she would see the source of that strength.

And be thankful to the right source for every breath she has in her.

I had hoped that she could know.

But she may never do that now.

And now all I can hope for is that she has amazing teachers later in her life, or in the next, whichever comes first.

Passenger Seat

2010-01-07T21:30:00.001-07:00

I think I've already posted about this song, but I just listened to it for the first time in a long time and I fell in love with it again.

"I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time."

Girl of Color

2010-01-02T16:23:00.002-07:00

I am a girl of color. I love color. It is everywhere and I am it. It is all around us and it can change how we see everything.

When you're reading, color defines the landscape in your mind. The writer gives you a thing, say the ocean. An image pops into your head. Hopefully it's a big blue-green wet thing. But then the writer continues to tell you that the low summer sun blazes through the waves, lighting them up from behind. Making the world before you a swath of aquamarine gold.

Now doesn't that change things? Doesn't that fill you up with emotion?

This is why I love color.

This is why I am a girl of color.

This is why I love taking black and white photos.

Surprised?

Maybe not.

I love going out and taking black and white photos.

I'm creating something.

It's like writing a story. You're trying to translate this glorious world in your head into words. Defining it, giving it shape and texture.

When you take a photo, it's the same process. You're trying to take this world of color before and translating it into a world of grays, whites, and blacks.

But I like taking photos better than writing. I didn't think I would ever say that, but it's true.

For some reason, writing is harder. I think it's because finding the right word is harder than finding the right angle.

There are so many words, so many ways of putting them together, but there are only a certain number of minutes before the lighting leaves you.

I think I like photography because it keeps me here. It hones me in, and I'm getting good at it. Ceramics can ground me and get me rooted, but it's harder to translate. I don't remember the rules.

Photography is different. We connect. I can translate it easier because, while I've only written for a little while, and I've only mucked about with clay for a few months, and I've only sung for a few years, I've been seeing my whole life. I've always been surrounded by things to see and evoke emotions with that sight. So now that I have a camera in my hand, I can translate. As long as I know the rules in photography I can translate so much. So much of all the things that have entranced me all my life, so then they can entrance people who see my photos. And even though I'm not incredible, I know that with more work and practice, I can get to the point where someone looks at my photo, someone like me, and they can be moved just as I have been moved by so many other photos.

I want entrance people.

I want to translate all of the glorious things I see and feel so others can be moved.

So others can gasp and feel the world open up before their eyes.

So others can feel the love and light of this world brighten inside them.

So others can feel their souls again.

Collision of Seasons

2009-11-14T19:22:00.001-07:00

I want to be a collision of seasons. I want to be those snow flakes and vibrant red leaves careening toward each other like destiny. I want to feel the pull of the wind and let it take me to where I want to go, to where I need to go. There are two constants in this metaphor. I'm the leaves, changing into the future. God is the wind, picking me up and carrying me away. The one that changes is the snow. Sometimes it's love. That bright, shining, lustrous snow-love that brightens the darkness. Sometimes it's the future filled with challenges and beauty and glory.

Today, it's that snow-love.

When I see him, I want to feel the collision of seasons. I want to feel as I did today looking out my window, staring into that soft and harsh world of change and breathtaking... destiny. I want to feel that rush of realization. The realization that here is where I'm supposed to be for the time being, but it's not my future. That there is something more, and that something is staring me right in the face.

To look him in the eyes is what I've wanted for a long time. But now I have become determined. I will not let my self loathing stop me any longer. I will teach myself to forgive myself. I will remember my worth and embrace it. My worth will never change, no matter what I do. No matter how many mistakes I have made.

So I will go forward into that whirling vortex of snow flake and leaf. I will improve myself and help others in their lives as long as Father wants me to. I will live with the hope. The hope of those leaves and snow flakes. The hope that maybe, in that expanse of universe, there is someone careening toward me as I tumble toward them. That maybe, we'll meet soon.

And I'll see the color of his eyes.

Autumn

2009-10-04T20:59:00.003-06:00

A while ago I thought up the seasons in categories. Spring for transition; summer for pain and trial; fall for peace; and winter for growth.

But I don't think my autumn will be for peace.

I think my autumn will be a time when everything depends on nothing.

I get to go to therapy soon.

Sometimes I wonder if I need it.

But I am wondering about everything, nowadays so I guess that doesn't really count.

At least I have been able to reaffirm my faith in His Existence.

In His Grace and Kindness.

Even if I question His love.

If I have a hard time loving myself, how can one such as He love me?

I have the irrational notion that if my mother dies, I lose her love. If I leave, I lose her love. My bad qualities will be exploited, just as they are with everyone else in the family that is out of the house.

You can get so annoyed with someone you do not see everyday.

Who you cannot see and converse with to reaffirm their goodness and happy things.

When someone is near you, they remind you of their light. But when you are far away, no one gets to say how wonderful you are, and so they only speak of your characteristic failures.

If I move on with my life, will the same happen to me?

Will my family forget how to love me?

I am sure that the only reason why I see goodness in myself is because of my family.

How am I to keep that goodness so far away from them?

Do you see what I mean?

I question and worry about everything.

All because I so strongly fear.

That is the legacy that I am left with.

That is all that is left from the past.

I have lost everything to the turmoil in my mind.

Expect the fact that God exists.

That He is my God and King.

And that even now, in this inner turmoil of questioning every thought in my mind to find if it only exists because the fear my past has taught me, I will strive to obey him, to follow his promptings.

Indeed, everything depends on nothing.

Realization.

2009-08-28T22:11:00.002-06:00

One Pain. One Joy.

The Joy, that the Gospel is true. Everything about it is real. It's tangible and there.

You can see it,

Touch it,

Feel it,

Hear it,

Taste it.

The Pain.

That the people you love, people you can't help but love, people you yearn to hate, and were always meant to love, will never experience that Joy with you.

That they will never see the Light of the Gospel.

That you will be cut off from them.

The double Pain,

The Pain that nearly over masks the Joy,

The Pain that makes you cry in such a place as the Temple in sorrow...

Is the fact that those loved ones chose their path.

They chose to leave the Spirit.

To affect generations because of their choices.

To make pain and suffering to those around them for their own selfish reasons

To bring sorrow and years of pain to so many because Satan told them they could have what they wanted.

Because they wanted to satisfy passing wants and carnal "needs".

To make it so that your eternity was affected in such negative ways.

And we're not even allowed to ask why.

We can't cry and blame someone else in ignorance.

Because we know why.

We know why it all happened.

Know why we will be cut off from loved ones that should have been sealed to us for eternity.

It is because we are left to tell.

We are left to find the Light through the Dark.

And because of this, we love the Light all the more.

We experience more and love it so much more.

We find the Beauty that everyone else rejects and ignores.

We must take that Beauty and that Light and show it for what it truly is to all of the world.

Take it and express it in ways so that the world can understand its glory.

We've got work to do.

Light

2009-08-01T23:48:00.003-06:00

So...

All is changed.

All.

Every last bit of it,

None of it is the same

And I will never go back.

There will be moments.

And you will probably hear of them...

But they won't take me back completely.

My life is not changed so much

But my heart is.

I have had a fine dose of

Perspective.

All is gone

And all has come.

I want all of my friends to leave after school.

I want to find new faces.

New places.

I want to start over.

So I can make friends with people who meet me as the person I truly am.

As whoever I choose to be

Not what my past dictates me to be.

I am Free.

I am Strong.

I am Good.

I am Me.

I am Light.

Insecure with Love

2009-07-19T19:43:00.002-06:00

I'm insecure with love.
I'm so strong, and can love so fiercely when it comes to the love of a sister or daughter or friend... but when it comes to love from a male.

I crumble.
I become insecure.

I tremble with the fear that they don't love me back.

Because they don't.

I've fallen into the illusion of love.

None of it was real.

All of it was wishful, painful thinking.

So I hope.

Oh I hope with all my heart.

That when I do fall truly in love...

That the moment I think it,
I will feel the reassurance that it is true...

That the moment I think of it as a possibility,
that it will rise within me as an irrefutable fact...

That it's not just in my mind.
That it's not just my feeble wishes.

That not only do I know that I feel true love for him
but that I also know that he feels true love for me.

I try and come up with all of these ways to make myself feel better.

Sometimes it works.

Sometimes I just feel inside that it's not enough.
That I'll just always feel insecure.

That I won't have that true love until I face my insecurity and stop wanting so badly the love from a man whether he be like a brother, father, or friend.

That I'll never stop wanting it so badly, because I'll never have a love from brother or father figures and friends.

That the only love guaranteed to me from a man is the love of a husband.
At least, that's what I tell myself.

But I must turn my thoughts away.

I worry too much.

Maybe some day I'll get rid of my insecurity.

Maybe some day I'll actually accept the love of a father figure, instead of push it away because I'm afraid.

For now, I need to hide it.

For now, I need to tuck it away.

For now, I'll bide my time.

Until the day comes

When I get some sort of love.

When I find security from the love of Heavenly Father and Heavenly Brother.

When I decide that that love is enough.

That it is enough.

Now matter how much I wish it to be different.

Storms

2009-06-26T22:33:00.002-06:00

I've always loved storms.

Of course, I've always been afraid of them a little bit like any human, but I've fallen in love with that fear, too.

My mom and I stood in the wind on our porch as a Hurricane depression scoured through our part of the state. The winds were 70 Mph and we saw the green flare of electricity charging in the air, blowing out transformers.

As a child I stood watching mushroom clouds descend on our little town and wanted to stay out longer, though my family brought me in.

If there were no tornado warnings or too many lightning strikes, Mom lets me go outside in the rain.

And though the rain here is a bit of a pansy, the wind isn't and I feel it rage so marvelously against me, and I know the glory of nature.

So if you wish to have my heart, which I doubt you do, but if so...

bring me a storm.

Filled with energy and light.

Filled with the forces hopefully no man will ever be able to contain.

And show me.

Show me what you see when faced with God's glory.

Show me what fills your heart when the thunder booms and the light slashes and the wind tears and the rain pelts.

And maybe....

maybe, if our hearts are mirrored....

If what you show me and what I show you...

If what you feel and what I feel...

If all comes as one, whether it be two differents or two sames...

Then love me.

Oh please love me.

For surely, I'll love you

Him

2009-06-10T00:40:00.002-06:00

I want a Raoul from Phantom of the Opera.

Someone strong and gentle and good.

Someone to guide me and listen and respect me.

To love me as the woman I am.

I know I am not ready for such a powerful love...

But I want it to start developing now.

But then, when I think of it further, finding a friend who is him and all that jazz, it doesn't sound right.

I just want what I told my friend a few days ago.

I want someone to be interested with me, and for me to be interested in them.

For both of us to acknowledge this and to realize that we cannot pursue such a connection until we are both ready.

I want it to be so comfortable with him... that it would be like coming home.

That's what I truly want.

To realize how comfortable I am with someone and be okay with not being with them in that way until we're married.

I want him to be strong.

To know his limits and be comfortable with himself.

To know his Father is real and to believe in the Gospel.

I know my family and friends love me, I do not need his love because I know I already have it...

I just... hope he is okay.

I hope he is becoming who Father has always intended him to be.

I hope he knows that he is loved by a girl who hasn't even met him on this earth yet.

I hope he knows what I am learning.

I hope he has learned to be strong and good.

So if you ever find this out there, whoever you are, I hope you know all of this.

Know that even when it seems there is only Father with you, I am there, too.

And I love you with more of my heart as could be given.

And I know we are bound with more than just this world.

And I know that you are a good man, a sweet man, a wonderful man.

And even if you don't think so, it doesn't matter, because you will be.

I love you, whoever you are.

Before and Now

2009-06-08T23:16:00.001-06:00

Before, last year.

Emotions would take hold of me in their fists.

I would exhaust myself, describing those emotions in exaggerated details.

Now... those moments of immense, beautiful, painful emotions have become something else.

Moments of pain and uncerainty and anxiety.

Moments when my barrier would be weak and Satan would enter my heart.

I've cried to Father to help me understand how to rid my heart of these moments.

I've cried to Him, to help me have moments of clarity and vividity but without pain and sorrow.

He has answered me.

My heart was open and seeking Him, and He placed the answer in my mind and I set it in my heart.

So, what I want to say is that if you ever were in my company during one of those moments of sadness and anxiety, I am sorry.

I am trying to train myself to see the complexity outside of myself.

To bring back the poetic beauty of my mind, but in the light instead of the dark as before.

I ask you to disregard whatever I said or did in my dark moments.

I know it may be a lot to ask, but it is all I can do for now.

The only thing I can do until the moment comes.

When I successfully transform my dark moments into bright moments filled with the Spirit.

When I can describe in breathtaking detail the beauty I see everyday.

I thank you, dearest friends for being patient with me, for looking past the fog and trying to see the beauty behind the darkness.

For seeing the person I will become.

For seeing the person I am willing to fight for more than anything on this earth.

Once I get her out, I'll be able to pay you back for your undaunted kindness.

To show you the love I have always harbored for you.

I love you all, dearests of my heart,

Elisabeth

Nevermind

2009-06-06T21:08:00.002-06:00

I am so silly.

Gosh!

I really know how to over react.

Something wasn't right, and I knew it.

I went to the temple.

The sun has set, but the mountains are outlined with a beautiful pale blue.

The wind blows in gust, growing in strength.

When I went to the temple, the Lord kept with me.

I am so silly!

I was being way too dramatic about the whole love thing.

It's like what Mom said, he may not be the one I will fall in love with, but he did show me what real love is like.

It is a hand slipping into someone elses.

It is the comforting smile that makes me breathe for the first time in so long.

It is the pleasant conversation who is open to understand.

He may not be the one I will marry, but that doesn't matter.

For the second time he's shown me something I couldn't see.

I wanted so bad to know if I would marry him.

Why do I always ask those questions?

It doesn't matter.

All that matters is that he has shown me what love is.

And maybe it'll work out...

And maybe it won't...

I don't know if I evem want it to...

But I know now that it's okay if it doesn't

I feel

2009-06-05T18:33:00.003-06:00

I feel love

I can hold it in my hands.

Like Lillies and Orchids.

It's like paint in my hands.

Beautiful, beautiful paint.

Pouring in my hands, coursing in my veins.

I feel it and I love it and I can't deny it's beauty.

But...

Does he feel it?

It is not the cloying love of teenage hearts.

It is.... something more...

Something beautiful and so much better than all of that.

It does not demand anything.

It does not leave and come in waves.

I may not sense it sometimes, but that is my own subconscious choice.

But...

Does he feel it, too?

Does he recognize something akin to it within him?

Or does he, too choose to egnore it?

Does he not feel that pull?

.... My only hope....

Is that it is true.

That the love I feel is true.

If I knew it was true....

Then I would wait forever for him to recognize it.

I would sit in eternity, going about my missionary work. Doing all of the things Father would want me to do.....

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Because if this love is the love I think and feel it is...

It is worth it all.

It is worth an eternity of solitude.

Watching dearest friends grow and blossom into Fathers and Mothers.

And knowing... that the man I would have, the man I am meant to have.

Doesn't even know.

Doesn't even see.

Because this love....

Is sweeter than any I have known.

But...

if this is not that sweet and good love...

Then....

I do not know.

I cannot imagine a world where the image of his spirit is not burned into my heart.

I do not know what would happen.

But I must clarify.

I do not want to become so serious with him.

I just...

want him to feel how much I care for him.

How much I just want him to be happy.

And know that I am there for him.

No matter what.

I just... want to be his best friend.

I love you

2009-06-05T17:26:00.004-06:00

I love you.

I protect you and teach you and make you grow.

I give you beauty and I give you light.

You are my siblings

The Being who made me made you.

We are forever connected.

When I die, you will die, too.

We are one, you and I.

Why can't you hear my voice?

I know it speaks inside of you.

Your voice speaks inside of me.

The Spirit connects us, we cannot be separated.

I cannot leave you, though you believe you can leave me.

We are bound.

Hear my voice.

It speaks within you.

Love,

Nature

New

2009-05-31T21:07:00.002-06:00

Finally.

Finally, I have found the truth about what happened last year.

I had wanted to know if I was truly loved, and what love really felt like.

I know now what it feels like.

It feels like cool grass on a hot day.

It feels like a warm winter sunset.

It feels like a sweet melody dripping from my lips.

It feels like a quiet song filling the silence.

It feels like the spirit filling me up when all hope is lost.

It feels like the way I see this world and everything in it.

I know what it doesn't feel like.

And I never want to feel that again.

But it doesn't matter, because I know that I'll feel love again.

No matter how much I worry, how much I think

I'll feel love.

And it will be a love like never before.

Anxiety and What is in My Heart

2009-05-31T00:01:00.003-06:00

The pain continues

But it is my fault

The stress from school is leaving my body, leaving my muscles aching.

I do not help it by going to parties every night.

I am on my period and I don't know how much it affects my actions and feelings.

I know I have to struggle more with un-pure dreams while I sleep and my guard is down.

I do not know if my period is affecting my medication.

I think it is....

but I do not know.

Cursed anniversaries are here and I feel.... as though I do not feel at all

As though my spirit is shutting down my feelings so I do not do something stupid

How can I become strong.

I am being attacked on two sides now.

I think the barrier between my father and myself is strong....

So maybe now Satan is reminding me of the things that happened in May of last year.

Reminding me of all of the things I hoped for.

All of the things I yearned for and wanted more than air.

All of the things I didn't know or understand

I was a foolish girl.

I do not know what I am now.

Am I a smart girl?

Am I a good girl?

Who am I????

What has changed within me?

How can I detect what has changed when i do not even know what was within me a year ago. I do not understand completely what happened....

At least that is what I think...

What I think happened was... pain

I broke the cycle.

But I cannot feel that broken cycle.

I cannot detect the change in pattern....

If I cannot feel the change, what stops it from happening again?

What stops me from choosing once more someone who is more lost than I?

"My memory is cruel, Queen of attention to details...."

What is in my heart?

Where does my heart beat?

"So I learn to listen through silence"

I am changed....

I am different....

But how do I keep myself from doing it again????

I cannot take another heart break.

I cannot take thinking, believing, knowing that I have found my husband....

Only to learn that he is not my husband.

I cannot take another false love.

I cannot take it.

I will break

I will fall

I will fail

Please Father, make me strong and keep me from a fake love as before.

So that if I meet anyone and fall in love with them...

It will be my husband.

Or that I will know that it is not true love.

I cannot take, I cannot breathe in a false love.

I cannot.

I will not.

I do not care if I fall in love again.

I just want to know that the love is not that of my husband and me.

I want to know that it is the love of a friend or a brother or a father or WHATEVER.

Please.

Please.

Thoughts

2009-05-30T21:13:00.002-06:00

So my mind is working again

I was grumpy all day until the sun went down and I found another book to read

I picked wildflowers today and put them in a vase I made in ceramics.

I'm listening to love songs and not knowing what true, pure love will really feel like.

I have an idea of its power and energy and light....

But I don't know for sure

Something tells me it will feel akin to the love I feel for God.

Something tells me that the love I feel for God proves what my heart tells me.

My heart tells me I already love my husband.

But how can I love someone I've never met on this Earth?

Because I didn't fall in love with him on this Earth.

Just like my relationship with God is based on prior, half-forgotten memories, I love my husband because I have always loved him.

I think what I truly fear.... has nothing to do with me not realizing who he is when I meet him... or mistaking anyone else for being him.....

What I truly fear........

Is that he hasn't loved me all this time.

that he will never love me

and not because I am not good enough (I am)...

but because he simply doesn't

or his choices throughout life.....

have robbed him of those half-remembered memories

those memories that I have based all of my love on

with the hope that one day

I may make new memories with him.

I hope this will not happen

But I of all people know that things that should not happen, do happen.

That mistakes are made, and sometimes they are irrevocable and influence many lives.

But I cannot lose hope. I cannot let the fire of my heart die out just because of worry and fear.

Hopefully, one day, I may meet him.

And we will become great friends.

and we may love with a love stronger than any earthly love.

And We shall prevail.

In the dark

2009-05-26T00:35:00.002-06:00

The light from my room shines outside my open window. The blinds are up and the dark is just outside. But I am not afraid of it.

I know what lies on the other side.

I have felt it before.

Have felt its coils around me.

It still is somewhat around me even now.

My barrier... I do not know it's strength.

But I do feel a peace inside.

And I know that Heavenly Father loves me.

I know it will be alright.

coming home in song

2009-05-24T22:27:00.003-06:00

As the words fill the air around me,

I remember all of those other times far, far into the past where I listened to this song and felt it become a part of me.

I am reminded of that bond and relishes in its sweetness.

I feel like I've come home in a way.
That a part of me that has been lost for so long has finally been found.
That my heart has remembered how to feel as it once did.
But there is one difference between then and now.

The pain I felt then,

the pain that clouded such sweet moments in song is gone.

I have nothing but the taste of vanilla on my tongue,
the scent of cinnamon in my nose,
the sight of misty colors caught in a whirlwind,
and sounds.

So many, many sounds...

later tonight

I'm feeling...
romantic.
fantastical

and not all at the same time.

I want to fall in love

I want to meet someone who could be my friend forever.

Someone who would come to understand me so well,
he could take care of me the way I want.

I want to know all there is to know about him
I want to recognize in him all of things he has never told anyone.

I want to see into his heart and know it better than my own.

Give me his name at least!!

Let me know the letters, the silly symbols we create to make glorious sound.

Let me know the string of sounds that make up his name. That put into words the essence of his soul.

Alas!

If I knew his name, and I met anyone with his name that was not him, I would cry and ruin the relationship I could have had with that man.

If I know his name, I would not really see him the first time I met him. I would see only someone with the name of my beloved.

And I would break.

Oh but it must be a lovely name.

Once more, I am resigned.

I will wait a while longer.

I will listen, and watch, and pray.

And prepare for that day

That day when we meat, and I see in him an everlasting friend.

A day that would start many other days of goodness and growing love.

Even though there will be hardships.... He will be there.

Whether he is miles away like he is now or so close I could touch him... I would still feel him near as I do now.

So my resignation fills with hope.

It does not matter that I do not know his name.

He is close.

He is near.

He is in my heart.

Strength

2009-05-22T22:00:00.003-06:00

So many things.

A giant emotional roller coaster within my heart

My dying father.

He's spiritually attacking me, and although many people won't believe me, and probably won't even know.....

As I say it here...

It makes me feel better

It gives me the strength.

The night brings peace, but the night brings vulnerability, too.

I must stay strong while I prepare to bed, so that my spiritual vulnerability may be a little less. So that when I wake, and go through the day, pessimism and sorrow will not plague my heart as it could.

I want to be strong.

I know I am strong inside.

I've felt it before this started happening.

And I feel that those instances were in preparation for this time.

But I cannot feel that strength now.

I can only plead Heavenly Father to lend me some of his eternal protection.

That I may sever the connection I bare with my earthly father so that he may not plague me so.

At first, I did not know the implications of creating a barrier between me and my wretched father.

But I realized it two nights ago.

I feel as though I must deny the father of my birth, that spiritual tie we all feel, though we may not recognize it.

If I don't, I will be open to his torture. Though he will never understand what he is doing to me, I cannot bear it.

Somehow, gradually I will find the strength once more that lies within me.

Somehow, I will create a barrier so strong between us, that he can no longer hurt me.

That I will no longer feel that connection between father and daughter.

That I will no longer feel his spiritual pain as my own, and be tortured by it.

That I will no longer be his daughter.

And will mourn such a loss.

And will cry.

And never feel his torture again.

you serious? my life just got better

2009-05-17T13:50:00.002-06:00

So my Birthday was on Friday!!! woot! 17!

anywho, completely different point coming

I was online looking at books coming soon ('cause I do that so I can have something to look forward to : P ) and I found this

HOW COOL IS THAT??!?!?!?!

A free book for a cake wrecking photo/video?!?!?!

AAAAAND THEEEEEEEEN
I found THIS

and my life just got 5 times (possibly a hundred times) better!

yeah.

so I'm gonna try and do this thing at my school that'll take down my credit requirements which means less classes next year which means less stress which means better Bitsy.

So I'm hopping that I'll get it and that I'll be able to take care of ME

'cause if I'm lucky then I'll be able to make it so I don't have to do my online homework that I've been signed up for since the end of last school year and still haven't done barely any of it.

oh, and I'm going to hawaii in the summer.

I'm feeling like a hypocrite today. Doing nothing that I say I'll do, never doing anything really, milking off the fact that I'm broken so I don't have to do anything

Who am I anymore?

sunset

2009-05-06T21:20:00.002-06:00

Evening is my favorite.

The sun sinks into it's bed across the lake in the mountains. It makes the air crisp and clear. It's dieing golden light kisses my skin and I close my eyes. I do not fear it's touch now, it cannot burn my skin so late in the day. Even as the sky is a myriad of gold and blue, I see the moon rise from her own bed in the mountains nearest to me.

Angels above, do you record these thoughts of mine? Do you see the beauty I see this moment? When I come home to Father and Brother, will I see these thoughts and wish they had never come? Is something coming in the future that will make these thoughts horrid memories? Quickly to shoved away by my fear, shame, and sorrow.

But then I quench these melancholy thoughts from my mind. It does not matter what the future holds, because for now these thoughts feel right. These thoughts are my heart being expressed for the records in heaven. I hope that bitterness will not lead me to hate them, that these thoughts will not lead me to repent. But for now I have only hope.

And the feeling that this moment may just make it into the eternities as a moment my heart cherished, a moment left unblemished.

Body

2009-05-05T14:35:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I hate the physical barriers my body has.
Sometimes I hate the spiritual barriers my heart has.

Sometimes, I want to travel.

I want to get out there and explore and do good.

But then I remember all of the things I'd have to take care of while I'm out there

My pills for one.
I know I'll be in pain and won't be able to sleep and will be anxious if I don't take my meds everyday.

My skin for two.
I know I'm more susceptible to skin cancer since it's in my family.

My sleep for three.
I know I need all of my sleep every night or I won't last long

My fibromyalgia for four.
I know it makes it harder for me to do physical activity. High tolerance for pain or not.

My spiritual well-being for five.
I know how easy it is to lose track of the Spirit when I'm away from my family and supportive friends

Where would I get the sacrament every week?
I know I cannot go long without it.

And then I think about all of these things. And remember Father.

And know that it's all for a reason right now.

That I need to push down my yearning for travel until I'm ready.
Until I'm strong enough

It may take days, it may take months, it may even take years. All depends on what I'm trying to do. I may not ever be able to do whatever it is I want to do.

The long run stuff, the big stuff, none of that is spontaneous. But that doesn't mean that the everyday stuff, the little stuff, the stuff that is spontaneous, isn't worth it.

Maybe that's why it's okay that I don't know what I'm gonna do with my career. Because if I did, then I'd feel so tied down that I would shatter.

mystic and rider, persuasion: I believe in love

2009-05-02T21:59:00.003-06:00

"He kissed her until the world was changed, and even that was not long enough"

Have you ever thought about this you've never noticed before?

Lots of people write about those types of experiences.

I won't try to say I understand love or that I seek to see knew things I didn't notice before everyday.

I read an article or something or other that talked about finding one's own personal philosophy. That the author wished they had established their personal philosophy when they were younger.

I think, as it is beginning to arise within me, that I believe in love.

I believe in a power higher than the people of this earth.

I believe in the great wind.

I believe in the powerful water.

I believe in the good earth.

I believe in the glorious fire.

I believe that if you destroy the earth, you destroy a gift given out of eternal love.
Wouldn't you want the earth to die of old age and not of a traitorous murder?
But I know that we don't have a choice in some aspects of this.

I believe in the right of the victim, but not the vengeance carried out without the express will of the Lord.

I believe in the priesthood and the delicate line between righteousness use of that power, and the twisted, corrupt use of it.

I believe in the sound of the wind in the leaves, and the soughing of the waves.

I believe in the light of the moon and cool touch of the sun on a spring day.

I believe in the spirit of this earth and all its glorious power.

I think that power is a delicate thing and that only those lead by the spirit constantly truly rule uncorrupted.

I believe that a man or woman who takes away the virtue of a child or anyone else in existence commits an act as heinous as the murder of an innocent.

I know that everyone deserves love, and that everyone has it whether they realize it or not, whether they accept or not, whether they want it or not. I know that love is just like the goodness of the earth, the greatness of the wind, the power of the water, the glory of the fire. Always changing, always reformed and yet always the same. A great constancy in the core of its existence.

I know that love, coupled with the priesthood, has no bounds, no limits, nothing keeping it from doing what it must or what it should.

And I know that no matter how alone I feel, no matter how far I am from civilization, that someone out there will love me with every fiber of his being. I do not know him, I cannot boast of his perfect character, but I feel his presence.

And I know that even if I lose him, he will always be in existence.

That my love for him is sprung from God, and therefore, can never fail.

old and new

2009-04-28T19:12:00.001-06:00

K so I know I've said this before, but their stuff is so adorable!

oh and I found an amazing photographer, here's her blog where she has some of her work

A little sadness

2009-04-22T18:39:00.003-06:00

So I didn't make it into the top choir at my school. And since I found out, I've felt like I wasn't appreciated for my talent... and then I felt that maybe, I wasn't as good as I thought.

But then I remembered today.

I love music.

Not because I can sing amazing...

but because it takes me to a place worth going.

I need you

2009-04-18T00:41:00.003-06:00

I need you.

I need you like a child needs a father as she grows.

Like an adolescent needs a brother as she learns.

Like a woman needs a man as she loves.

I need you like I needed all of the men in my life when they weren't there.

Maybe that's where I get the strength my family speaks of.

Maybe I get it from all of those moments I needed someone.........

and they weren't there

They're never there.

Will you break the cycle?

Will you be there when I need you?

When you're not, will I hate you?

But does it really matter?

Because even though you're not here now, I still feel you out there.

So I guess you're already breaking the cycle even as you exist.

Thank you

But I still miss you. I still need you. I still want to see your face.

Human greed makes me want more. Makes me feel that feeling your existence is not enough. That I need to see you. See your eyes and feel.

feel what I've wanted to feel for a long, long time.

At war with myself

2009-04-18T00:40:00.000-06:00

This guy, the one who showed me the other side of myself, he is.... amazing. He's kind and funny and quiet.

I am at war with myself. I think like I previously said, that although he has characteristics of the man I would want to marry, he is not that man. Yet I still find myself thinking about him.
Wanting to share with him moments I had only given to myself before, not thinking that maybe, there was someone I could share them with.

Someone I wanted to share them with.

I am at war with myself.

Do I want to share these moments with him because I know that he will understand? Because he is the first that I want to share them with? Or is it because I am supposed to share these moments with him?

Because he is more than a friend?

Or because he is the first that could be more than a friend?

If the former, then.... wow. : ) what will happen? I know I am strong enough now where I was weak before. And hopefully, it will blossom on it's own. If it doesn't, then is the latter isn't it?

If the latter..... I need to stop. and back away from him.

And once I think it through, it is like I said at first. That he is just an example of what I want in my husband.

So I guess there is no war?

Oh I wish it could be that easy.

That he could be... the one... lol. That he could be.... more to me than a friend.

How easy would that be?

So easy.

So, so easy.

And so good.

But life is never that easy.....

not for me.

Why can't this one thing, this one thing that will mean so much to me, be easy?

Everything else is so much harder.

Everything.

Why can't this one thing, this one thing that will be so much to me, that is already so much to me, be easy?

Like coming home..

The journey may be hard and tiresome and horrid,

but the actual event,

that moment where you step in the door,

or over the border and just.... feel .....

That you've finally come home.

That's how love should feel.

Like a gentle sigh in the dark of the night when the body has rid itself of its last burdens.

Like two hands slipping into one another.

Like locked eyes and free smiles.

Like soft hugs and whispered hellos.

That's what love should be.

Where are you?

Why has it been so long?

I need you.

stuff

2009-04-17T23:37:00.004-06:00

I've been on night walks the past two days. I've walked the same place each time. There's one tree that I pass.

The outline of its branches are invisible against the soft glow of the street light. It makes the branches look like one big spider web with a ball of light for a center.

Other words were supposed to come into my slim little fingers and onto the sticky keyboard.

I want to go outside. I want the air to be warm with a warm breeze. I want to go to a great field that's nearby. I want to lay on it and let the dew cool my hot skin. I want to talk until my eyes burn when I blink and my mouth is weary and my cheeks hurt from smiling. I want to laugh and know that someone lays next to me.

I met someone. They understood me like no one has understood. They showed a new perspective. A new way to see myself.

I want that in my eternal companion. I don't think he is the person I met, but he showed a characteristic that I will look for in my husband.

Because of him, and because of the new things that happened, I have attained two new ways to see myself.

The first, I've hinted at.

I can see God in everything. I love nature because it reminds me of God. This allows me to love all seasons. I do not know if this also allows me to live anywhere. This is a complicated thing, because the spirit of a place may not agree with me, and also the people may not be very.... positive

The second, I've learned through my family.

I am strong. I have a deep reservoir of strength hidden within me. My mom does not think that I know it's depth, but I don't know about that. I feel the strength within me, it echoes cool and peaceful, but that does not mean that I am ready for what is to come.

That is the other thing. My family and myself have always felt that something big is coming. That something is going to happen that will change everything. Because of this feeling, we try to prepare ourselves. My sister thinks that because of my strength, I am ready for what is to come. But I don't know. I guess I do not have that much belief in myself. I feel that, although I do have immense strength, it will not be enough for what is to come. That there are things I still need to learn. Lessons that need to be taught and things that need to be said.

snipets

2009-04-15T23:35:00.002-06:00

Some of them are quite depressing. The first one is a story in India's past I heard on the tv today.

I small child, a young prince, clinging to his father's clothes. He is torn away from his father. Gruesome sounds are heard over his wailing sobs. The child is given mass amounts of opium. Dreams swirl in his head. Slowly, the dreams become more chaotic, more bright in color.... until there is nothing more.

I woman lounges on the sand. Curling her toes deep into the sand's warmth. Her head tips back and her eyes close. The shadow of a smile appears on the corners of her mouth.

A pale faced girl dances in the snow, her movements not of this culture. She sings a haunting melody under her breath. It warbles with an odd clarity. The viewer suddenly has a memory triggered by the sight of the spinning girl. Of a cold desert at night. A bright fire and drums. Turbans and beards and warbling voices. The girl lifts her arms and tilts back her head to the moon and spins, her coat flaring out behind her. The viewer whispers.
"India"

The boy is silent and the girl's heart pounds. She knows he understands, but why does he understand? Is he just being nice? Finally, he whispers, "If I kissed you, would you feel anything?"
"yes."

A burly dog sits placidly in the snow and cold. A boy stands beside it. He stares out into a thick forest. His eyes strain, but he cannot see what he seeks. He doesn't even know what he seeks, just that it is glorious and beautiful.

The girl puts her back to him. "I have not let myself love anyone. But you have found your way into my heart."
"then trust me with its care and we both will be happy for eternities."

A mother stares down at the lifeless body in her arms. A fifth child in the deep earth. Her spirit weakens once more and her knees buckle. She cannot wonder why. She lowers the child into the grave much smaller than most. When the deep earth accepts her offering she seals the grave with her tears, bending over the soft mound and digging thin fingers into the dirt.

A woman sits in the window alcove. "Come see!" The husband comes over quietly to bend down to his wife's level. "What beauty do you see?" She directs his line of sight and reveals the glow of the moon upon a tree covered with snow. "Do you see the way the moon's light is slightly blue in color and makes the unmarked barks seem black as shadows? Do you see the way it glows like a moon all on its own?" he sees it and his heart leaps. "What glory you find!" He kisses her fingers and sits with her in the little alcove.

A lady sings. So soulful and sorrowful all who hear her cry in despair. Her vowels croon and her consonants softly chafe. She sings. She sounds so delicate, sounds as if at the end of the song, she will splinter into a million little pieces. The saxophone breaks into her song and begins a solo. She steps back into shadows and nothing is seen of her again as the saxophone finishes the song with its smooth tones.

Little wet tears on a baby's shoulder.

passenger and saved

2009-04-13T21:25:00.003-06:00

wow.

I love these songs. Well, mostly save us and passenger seat... but yeah. they are amazing and when I listen to them, they feel like water running over burned hands. cool and healing. Save us prepares me for passenger seat and half acre makes me feel connected..

so here's the words to passenger seat

"Passenger Seat"

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

shining

2009-04-13T20:29:00.003-06:00

For one night my life was all color and goodness and whispers and smiles and laughs and bad dance moves.

For one night I saw, in an inkling of a moment, something beautiful and good and wonderful.

The joy in that night. The young smiles and close words.

The innocence of that night will live on within me even while memory fades and I cannot remember it.

The goodness of that night... the truth.. the unsuspecting goodness of it all

I convince myself that it wasn't as amazing as I thought it was....

and then something reminds me of it....

a picture...

a word...

And then I'm trying to learn how to appreciate that night... without making it more than it was and not expecting anything to come of it's goodness

Try to convince myself that it was one bright, shining moment to remember for the rest of my life....

And not something that hints at a future that is real and tangible and true... and right....

I'd rather be proven wrong... be shone that it was a night that would hint at something real and good and right and not something less... not just a shining moment, but something more

Than convince my self it is and be proven wrong... be shone that it was just one moment.... one shining moment.... and nothing more.

lillies and orchids.

2009-04-07T17:48:00.004-06:00

I want to paint.

To take something in my hands... something that will fill my hands until it spills over onto the floor and creates something beautiful.

Twisted words and conjured up meanings.

Sometimes I feel empty.

Sometimes I feel so full... nothing else could mean anything to me

Words...
they are energy...

but they are not substantial.

I cannot hold them in my hands and feel their essence.

But
paints...

clay...

earth...

I am mostly an energy kind of girl.

My medium is usually things that have energy,

but not a substance that you can feel with your hands....

Writing... music...

But
clay...

earth...

paints...

I may not be able to express myself with them as well....

but they...

You can hold them in your hands and know...

just...

...know

So really, I want to take a few canvases... and get a hold of a studio...

and pour color into my hands.

doesn't that sound.... magic?

pour color into my hands.

and just stand on one canvas.

just stand there...

With the colors swirling all around me.

Letting it touch my face.

My toes.

My legs.

Paint everywhere.

paint in all colors swirling. Never really losing their original color, but still mixing where they touch each other to create colors no one can describe

Except maybe God

I'd watch the paint pour and splash.

I'd watch it....

I'd smear my hands across the canvas on a stand. I'd crash my hands onto another canvas on the floor.

I'd listen to the beat of my heart in the quiet of the studio

I'd listen to my breath rasp and the paint splat where I thrash it onto the canvas.

I would cry.

and I would paint.

and I would feel the color in my hands.

and think of lillies and orchids

Falling away

2009-04-03T16:46:00.003-06:00

So I basically stopped hanging out with people about three two or three (maybe even four) months ago.

I mean, I'd still talk to them during school

...but...

I'd say no if they told me about a new thing they were gonna do over the weekend or that night...

and it's got to the point that.....

They don't even bother to ask me now.

I never thought I'd miss not having a social life....

but now.. I just don't know

And the thing is....

Even if they did ask me... I'd probably say no anyway.

Most of the people in this group I can't even tolerate their personality in strong doses.

So I guess it's all for the best........

But I still feel a part of me drift away......

And some part of me misses it.

how can I keep from singing update

2009-04-02T21:04:00.002-06:00

So the lyrics I put before were so not the right ones. But now that I know it better,(the song I mean)I love it even more. The harmonies are almost more than I can bare.

arranged by ronald staheli

My life flows on in endless song;
Above earth's lamentation
I hear the real though far-off hymn that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear that music ringing;
It sounds an echo in my soul:
How can I keep from singing.

My life flows on in endless song.
When tyrants tremble sick with fear and hear their death-knells ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing.

In prison cell or dungeon vile
our thoughts to them are winging.
When dear friends by shame are undefiled,
How can I keep from singing.

If my joys and comforts die,
I know truth is living.
Tho' the darkness 'round me close,
How can I keep from singing.

No storm can shake,
while that Rock I am clinging,
since Love is Lord of heav'n and earth:
How can I keep from singing.

How can I keep from singing.
I lift my eyes,
the cloud grows thin,
I see the blue above it.

And day by day this pathway smooths,
since first I learned to love it.
The peace from love makes fresh my heart,
a song of hope is springing.
All things are mine since Truth I've found:
How can I keep from singing

All things are mine since Truth I've found:
How can I keep from singing.

How can I keep from singing,
from singing.

vast expanse of sky

2009-03-30T19:04:00.006-06:00

Things spin worlds create themselves and dissolve into dust within my mind's eye. All through the power of music and the inspiration of nature.

Whenever I try to picture in my mind how I would describe a good song I usually see myself in some great open place from a great plain to a majestic theatre with music blasting from the ground and resounding in the air. To be so landlocked and to feel the power of the heavens in the air around me.
Everything is perfect in these songs.
They are perfect, shining moments in the universe. Created by my mind registering everything going on around me.
They tumble out of me and shoot out into the stars and vast expanse of sky.
They are defined by me and created by me.

They are my own.

And they are all the more precious for one characteristic.

I have never spoken of them.
Never have they been released out into the sky by my physical body.

And so they stay, locked within me. Sent out into the silent universe in all their original glory and color of my mind. Never dimmed by being bound to words and definitions and theory.

But do not fear.

They are safe from being bound.

They live on within me.

Every time the music swells over me.

Laps at the shores of my heart.

And spin out into the vast expanse of sky and the glory of the 'verse.

where does your heart beat?

2009-03-28T23:16:00.003-06:00

Where are you my prince... my brother.... my love?

I watch movies and read books and see love blossom as the rose.

When will ours do the same?

Sometimes I feel close to you,
like I've never been truly separated from you....

and although I know that this is enough for now...

I still wish....

wish for the future to be...

magical as it is....

that I will feel as glorious as I feel....

when I look up at the sky and all around me and feel the glory of My God and know...

know

know that there is more to this life.

that there is a future where i am with you....

and the world is perfect in its glory...

And I have come home to my Father with my hand in yours...

Where are you my prince?

where does your heart beat?

do you know of your lineage, yet?

do you know the glory and strength of your heart?

do you know the power of the priesthood within you?

do you feel the greatness within you?

Where are you my brother?

where does your heart beat?

do you feel, as I feel, the closeness of our spirits?

is what I feel just wishful, naive thinking?

do I hope greater than what I will receive?

do you feel the connection that I feel?

Where are you my love?

Where does your heart beat?

do you feel what I feel?

do you see what I see?

do you understand the ache I feel for you?

do you ache for me, too?

I ache for you.
There is a place under my ribs.
In my chest.
In my heart of hearts.
Does it beat when you are so far away?
How can it beat, for even now, you are far away?
And though I know that I am complete all on my own
as a woman
as a girl
as simply,
Elisabeth
this is who I am.

But this is not enough.
I am myself.
I am true and sure and strong.
But it is not enough.

Not enough to simply look in the mirror every day.
Not enough when my heart aches as it does.
Who are you?
What is your name?
What do you call yourself in your heart of hearts?

I ache to do the Lord's will.
To marry and bare children.
To raise them true and strong.
To help others with my pottery and my photography and my music and my words.

But the last things are easy enough.
I have been able to do them all.

But it is not enough.
The former things that I ache to do...
I want to do them.
I want to prepare and become worthy of such blessings.

Where are you?
Where does your heart beat?
Where does your soul reside?

Do you look out into the darkness late at night and think of me?

Flow

2009-03-13T22:34:00.002-06:00

Something has been... released. A weight has been lifted. I got my hair cut.

ha.

How often is it that every time something happens in my life, I get a haircut? Very.

Things are falling into place.

I think back now, on yesterday. It was a very... different day. I feel now how precious and fragile all of this life truly is. I'm not gonna give you that old two-bit line about how quickly this life can end. But... you feel the veil thin once you've gone to a funeral. Wow, that sounds insensitive doesn't it? But it's true.

So we're starting to learn our songs for region in my choir class. We started learning them a while ago, but I've been preparing for solo/ensemble region so I'm a bit behind. This song is simple. I don't know if this version has the same words as the one I'm singing and it may not sound like a great song, but the version taht we sing is... breath taking

It's called "How can I Keep from Singing"

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation
I hear the real, thought far off hymn
That hails the new creation
Above the tumult and the strife,
I hear the music ringing;
It sounds an echo in my soul
How can I keep from singing?

What through the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth
What through the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since love is lord of Heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble, sick with fear,
And hear their death-knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging
When friends by shame are undefiled,
How can I keep from singing?

So much is changing. I feel everything around me shifting. I feel like the bed of a great river where it flows lazy and slow. It changes slowly. The water moves over it

Out of Breath

2009-03-10T20:51:00.002-06:00

It takes very little now for my energy to be taken from me. A few minutes of jumping to some music and I feel like I've been jogging for ten. I do not know if it is the Fibro or what. It will be awhile before I will be able to do so...

I want to be held. I want to feel the blessings of the priesthood. I want a father. Heavenly Father is amazing. The spiritual peace he grants me is more than words.... This does not stop me from wanting a hug... Sometimes it's just not enough. I feel bad about this. That after all Father has given me, I still want something I may never have. Something that has been denied me since I was a child.

That quote "Boys aren't worth crying over, but the one who is, won't make you cry." Is a complete lie. There will be some day where I will want the companion of the one who is worth it so much that I will cry like a child. There are nights when I lie awake at night and dream of someone next to me.

Sometimes I worry that my longing for a father will make me want to marry a father figure. Will make me look for the attributes of a father when I look for a husband. Sometimes, when I yearn to meet my future husband, I realize that what I truly want is a brother or a father. I worry that if I become too close to one of my guy friends that I will see them as a brother. That if I do so I will become too close to them. That I will want physical comfort that will become too much for a brother-sister relationship. I don't mean kissing or anything like that, just that I will seek comfort from them so often that I will begin to see them more than a brother. And it is true. When I think of a brother-sister relationship it is closer than it should be. This is most likely because my sisters and I are closer than other sisters. We rarely fight. EVER.

I see now that I have more to grow before I meet him.

How much damage has my childhood caused?

Kat memorial

2009-03-09T17:05:00.002-06:00

It was one of the most moving things I've witnessed. The band played some awesome pieces of music and some of the family was there. They had a table set up with her picture and some post cards that we could write on to give our support to the family. ... I didn't know her well... but I cried. I really.. really don't like the world. Some things that happen are just so... wrong. So unjustified. She better get one hott husband.

I wanted to tell the parents how much their daughter felt me feel welcome in my class, but so many students surrounded the couple, and I didn't want to get in the way of Kat's close friends. Then, when they were crossing by me, I had to tell them what Kat meant to me. I reached out and laid my hand on what I presume was the father's shoulder. When I told him that Kat had been so kind to me, he asked if I wanted to talk with her mom. I guess, now that I think about it, it was probably a family member who was offering the mother support as she went among her daughter's friends to hear their condolences. When I told her about Kat, she hugged me, telling me how good it was of me to tell her that. I would not have expected her to do something like that. She is definitely one awesome lady. I hope she continues to find out the great things her daughter did for all she met.

Things

2009-03-08T22:18:00.003-06:00

.... there are so many things... so many changes... so many adventures and tragedies and.... changes

my family and I aren't announcing it yet.... but I don't know how I feel about it yet... and I don't know what's going to happen or what I'll have to do when it does happen

I thought it was happening last year... but i thought a lot of things happened last year... when they didn't... so much of the past two years was all a fake. a facade I didn't know existed... or that I was creating it..

My father is dying. He is dying. He has cancer that is in it's most advanced state. Although this means I get a new outfit (I'm thinking a lavender dress with red lipstick and maybe red heels if my sister lets me), he's still my father... the only one I have for this body of mine... When he's dead (whenever that will be, i mean, i have no definitive knowledge of the time obviously and he could pull a fast one and live longer than my whole family) and my family and I are finally free of his shadow... relief and grief will co-exist. Even though we have healed (as much as possible) spiritually... his existence on this earth still has a power over us... and once that is gone... the bogey-man won't exist any longer......

I got sleeping meds the week after tour and the doc told me that in my house it's like knowing that the bogeyman is real and knowing he could be anywhere (he's treated mom and my sister so he knows the background and such)... and always knowing that he could be there... when my father dies..... so does the perpetual bogeyman....

I'm..... worried about how I will hold up.... and how my family will.

My sister, the one I am closest to, is leaving for college. and although I know in my mind that she won't become like my eldest sister... I fear history repeating itself with her...

and as I'm dealing with all of this.... one of the girls in my new drama class is killed. shot in the basement of a friends house by accident. I was the newbie in the class. the one without any dramatic experience. The one slightly frightened and shy of them all. She was nice and sweet to me. She made me feel welcome... and now she is dead. She is dead and I won't be able to become friends with her. Won't be able to get to know her, to share inside jokes. and the poor kid who shot her by accident. he thought the gun wasn't loaded. how horrible he must feel. how wretched and guilt ridden. How will he know that it wasn't his fault? that no one blames him? and what about the other people she was with when it happened? Do they blame themselves? my friend that I was talking to had begun to start to like her while she was alive. begun to harbor feelings for her. had hung out with her the day before. He has already seen so much death in his life. So many of his friends of already died of various causes. For this to happen to him... to all of us... I hope she knows how much she will be missed... and know that we will never blame her for any heart ache we feel because of what happened. I hope she knows that she was worth it. That she will not be remembered just because she died so young, but because she was kind. Because she was a beacon of light in these dark times.

May you rock out on the other side of the veil, kat mikolasy.

Lighter note

2009-02-06T19:25:00.002-07:00

So I don't know what exactly I'm writing here... But all I know is that there's a light inside of me that wants to be recognized. I'm not always so... serious as I have been in the last two posts.... : D I mean, I really appreciate those posts, they were necessary steps that I had to experience in order to become more true to who I am.

But yeah, here is the commentary to the first few songs on my playlist and little snippets of the songs.

And I only offer it as commentary 'cause idk how the little paragraphs stand on their own sooo.... : P

"Are we human or are we denser?" "Human" the Killers

So.. light is everywhere. Strobe lights. They cut through the dark in great swooping arcs. Dozens of people. All in black cotton All jumping in the light. All feeling their hearts coalesce into the music.

"You became the light on the dark side of me" "Kiss from the Rose" Seal

A sea. Grey with storm. Wind lashing the surf. A great cliff face. Pale rocks crumbling into the sea. Lightening. Thunder shaking the ground. Don't you just love that harmony?? Oh the wind and the rain and the waves. Movement all around. Passion swimming in the air creates electricity. Harmony. Love, sadness, passion. Grief stronger than any known before. A silence. The eye of the storm. One last bolt of lightening not a hundred feet away. Build. Grow, expand. The eye has past. Power, strength. Passion. All is passion and action and beauty and love and hope. Love and hope. Light and glory. Passion. (Not disgusting passion.) A single drop. The last. One last gust of air.

"And I long to smell the sea." "A beginning" the Classic Crime

The seeeaaayeah. Wind. A soft beach. Pale sand. A soft sun rise. A couple under blankets. "comin' home to you" A gust travels over tree tops. Tree tops that stretch up to a hundred feet for the world to see. A little wooden box with a tag. A soft touch. Silent tears. "I let her go." A past. A future. The unknown. The bittersweet and the triumphant. Glory and comfort. Being settled... Coming home. So long it has been. Come home, and let me go. It'll be alright. It is already that way.. A bed side table. It will be locked........ home.

"You know it aint easy." "Sideways" citizen cope

A daffodil. Withering into the sunlight. A field of wheat. A soft breeze. A girl. A simple cotton dress stands in the middle of the field. Soft, long brown hair. Hair like soft earth. Caught in the wind. diamonds growing black. A girl waits. She won't go away. These feelings won't go away from her. She has tried to leave them. Has waited for them to leave. She slowly sinks to the ground. Lays on her side. Diamonds fade. Flowers bloom. She whispers.
"Diamonds they fade, flowers, they bloom, I'm telling you, These feelings won't go away, they've been knockin' me sideways, they've been knocking me out they, whenever you come around me." Again. "These feelings won't go away." Soft whispers into the plants. A shadow across her body. A soft hand on her arm. A body to embrace. "these feelings won't go away."

"'Cause I am livin' just to breathe" "believe" the bravery

Another dance floor. A live band. Slow motion. bodies pulse with it. Time speeds up. Real time. "I am living just to breathe" The want, the ache, for more. this night, at this moment. They all believe in one thing. this night. and this night alone. the feeling of this moment is all there is. The music flows all around. The bodies moving together and singular all at once. Being a part of the whole and apart of it at once. We all need something to believe. Why not this moment? This breath? It is all you will ever have. The beast was always here. You are not nothing. What are you waiting for? Give yourself something to believe. Don't live just to breathe. We all need something to keep on breathing for. Why not this moment? This breath? This life? We all need something more. Believe.

"I refuse to throw them away" "flowers" regina spektor

They're rotting. a girl sitting in a chair before a desk with a vase of flowers. time speeds up in front of her. Light passes on her. The flowers die. She cannot sleep. She cannot sleep. Am I allowed to keep them? newspapers pile around the girl. Cauldrons. stones. Am I allowed to keep? She does not sleep. never. Am I allowed to keep what I love? She will never go to sleep. Time passes fast before her ever-open eyes. She stares at the camera singing. A piano. She plays. She sings. Light moves around her going faster and faster with the speeding tempo. Slows once more. the newspapers pile and grow and lessen and decay.

Well I would do the last seven songs on my playlist, but that took a lot of energy out of me for some reason sooo..... : D You're welcome to listen to the rest of the songs, I like them just as much as the others. Could you follow it well enough?

night terrors

2009-02-02T16:42:00.002-07:00

Sorry if my words contradict one another. These are complicated feelings and it's hard to express them all and their meanings while conveying how deeply they affect me and I don't really want to read through it to make it make sense.......

Have I told you about my dreams yet? I don't think so, and although my dreams are sort of a complicated topic having many sides and different stories I'm just going to tell you about the night terrors this time.

I have what most people call "shell shock". It's called post traumatic stress disorder and although I don't have it has bad as others it still affects me greatly in some ways.

I think I've had night terrors at least twice a year, more often when I was younger and my family was just coming out of the divorce and the depths of our wounds were just beginning to surface. Lately, since I found out about tour and realized subconsciously that I was going back to the place where it all began, maybe not to the exact place, but I would be in the same state only, a few hours away from the place of my birth I had begun to have them once more. My sister sleeps with me in the same room and she usually sleeps lightly enough to catch me before I do something dangerous.

You see, night terrors are the most.... intense form of night mares. Worse than any fear you have ever felt in your life. A fear so consuming, a fear so.... painful, you wish you were never born. You know in that fear, in that dream, that you can and most probably will die. That you will die in the most painful way known to the universe. That you will die and survive it. That even though you will have the knowledge of death at the end of the pain, you will never gain the sweet release it provides. That you will wake up, only to live another day, to go to sleep another night, to experience another dream in which you know that you will die..... and live afterwords. This is what causes you to keep going in the dream. This is what causes you to run. To run and to fight and to keep going until you wake up. But it's not that easy. Because the knowledge of waking up is beneath the surface. The fear is all that is on your mind. The fear of pain, the fear of death, the fear of life after it all. And although you know you cannot run and you cannot fight in your waking hours, you do not realize it in your dream. All you want to do is to get away from whatever you know will bring you pain. And you know somewhere inside of you that no matter how well you fight, no matter how far you run, you will always be caught. Whatever is hunting you will always catch you. always. And in that last moment when you finally give up, when you finally relax and give in to the pain and the sorrow and the utter brokenness of the darkness, you wake up. Not having felt any of the pain or sorrow or brokenness.

This is a night terror. It causes you to scream in the darkness. It causes you to wake up, heart pounding, images running through your head as your eyes see only the the darkness of night. It causes your mind to rebel against reality. In those first few moments of wakefulness you do not believe in reality any longer. You believe in the world of your mind. For the fear had so consumed you in your sleep that you cannot believe it wasn't real now that you are awake. Sometimes it takes only a few minutes to wake up completely. Sometimes you cannot banish the images. You dare not move less the demons of your mind show themselves. You fear that if you reach out to touch the loved one beside you that they will turn into something hideous and wretched before your eyes, an incarnation of the feared pain in your dream.

My sister usually saved me before I woke up. She would see me freaking out and trying to get up out of my bed. She would grab my shoulder, say my name firmly, and tell me to go back to sleep. Usually I wouldn't even remember the dream or the encounter with my sister.....

Last night she was not in the bed beside me to shock me out of my sleep walking.

She had stayed up late, reading and listening to music and other things.

We live on the second floor apartment.

I had gotten up.

I had run.

I had aimed for the window.

She yelled at me to stop.

Some form of my conscious had woken up and I heard her yell my name, telling me to stop.

I had jumped to the couch which sits in front of the window.

She pinned me down before I launched myself through the glass.

I am ever indebted to her for this and many other acts like it.

I hate my past. It is dark. It is twisted. It has haunted me for ten years.

Ten years of pain. Of grief. Of terror. Of suffering. Ten years. A decade.

It is not what I deserve. It is not my fault. It does not matter anymore.

it is done. It is gone. I have been healed. I know the atonement. I know its purpose. It is all healing. It is glorious. Last night was the night of my last night terror. I know that at some point in the future it will come back. That the thought will pass through my mind of the evilness of my father. But it will do just that. It will just pass. It will not affect me in such a way any longer.

It is done.

Past

2009-01-29T16:46:00.002-07:00

Memory.

To know the past mistakes exist. To see them in their human form. One person. One name. It will haunt me forever. He will haunt me forever. Though he may change, and most likely has changed... Who he was... Who I was... will I ever forgive myself? Have I already done so?

My only consolation... What happened had to happen in order for me to be who I am now.

Is that true?

Do I want him to think of me? Do I even care anymore? The ache has definitely dwindled to almost nothing....

I guess what I really want is to see him. To see him on the street.. anywhere when I'm by myself, really.... to make eye contact... to simple give a soft smile and nod. For both of us to know that we can go on with our lives and be better because of it. I think that's what was hardest in the end.... Knowing that he thought he would not find anything better than what we thought we had.... Oh, I hope his vision has cleared....

I want to say that this would give me the power, the ability, to close the door officially. To finally write the end of that chapter... But I doubt myself. Doubt that I would be able to just be... satisfied with that ending... But I think I would be satisfied with it... It would be the ending I have wanted... When I tried to get that ending in July.. it was shoddy. It was a temporary seal waiting for the final forging.

I'm ready for that final forging. I'm ready to see him... To simple look into his eyes and know that the past is over. That we have both let go... And to know that he is not lying to my eyes.

I'm ready to dance.

I'm ready to breathe.

I'm ready to sing.

I'm ready to write.

I'm ready to live.

Living

2009-01-27T15:05:00.003-07:00

So I've been thinking about it, and I think I like how I think about it.
If I exaggerate it, this is how it feels.

Feet planted. Body aligned.

Breath.

Two breaths.

In.

Out. Sound. Word. Breath. Life.

It is pulled out of me. Over a few weeks time I learn what it feels like to pull this particular piece out of the great well of emotions within me. I am adept at it now. My face moves through the expressions. My voice loops and twirls through the notes.

Kicking and lashing out.

Soft and caressing.

Barely contained grief leaking through. Words turned into wails of fury, passion, and sorrow all in turn. Joy and Hate. Peace and Turmoil. Apathy and Grief. All chained into words and released in sound.

Words and notes memorized long ago flow from the tongue without thought. Notes rigidly drummed into my mind. Both now flower into something more. Both obey the director. He who knows how to manipulate the audience, to make them feel. To make our hard work turn into beauty and wonder and sorrow and energy.

He takes our energy, our light and molds it to the music. Makes us tell a story with our words and our faces and belay the true power of the emotion with the sound of it. The shape of the sound, the color, the texture; all used to make the song what it is, what it was meant to be.

He reaches into us. He takes what he needs. And he gives it back in a different form. A form that gives us such... that makes us feel.. so... accomplished. That makes us feel whole. Makes us feel like we did what we set out to do. Like a goal was gained and exceeded. As though we have tied another knot in the tapestry of the universe.

So yeah. I have the opportunity to do this for four days while on tour with the choir of my school. No doubt I will come back drained of physical energy, but hopefully I will also come back full of spiritual strength. Feeling accomplished. Feeling more whole.

Before I would seek this experience just for the after affect, just for the opportunity to feel whole.

But now...

Oh, now...

Now I know. Now I feel. Now I experience just for the experience. Now I know what it is to be whole.

I yearn for this experience so that I may show that I feel whole.

That I am who I am.

That I am where I have always wanted to be.

That there is nothing more I want than to be able to live my life.

That I am doing just that.

Living.

gah!

2009-01-22T17:13:00.000-07:00

gah! i have stuff to write. but yeah distractions! so yeah ttyl

No

2009-01-17T01:24:00.003-07:00

No, I could not be a creature of the dark. I look at my skin. So unique and fragile. I listen to the way my heart beats. Silence my thoughts and feel the soul the I am. I see through these eyes and take the time to find the glory in all of it. I search for the photographic lines that make beauty what it is. No. I could not become a creature of the dark. I know that what they say in books about vampires and witches and fey. I'm quite certain it would be a wonderful experience. But I also know that all of that is Satan. That the glory they feel is black. That the beauty they experience is a knock-off. I know that although their priestcraft sounds wonderful and self pleasing and in some cases it even feels like they use their priestcraft to help others it does not change the fact that it is priestcraft. That their healing and all the other ways they "help" others eventually breaks. Eventually their actions will have consequences. I could not live with those consequences. I could not live through the pain I would eventually cause myself and others.
No, I could not be a creature of the dark. I may know the beauty of the night. But the night is only beautiful because it is created by God. I know that my potential is great. But I must not forget that my potential can lead down dark paths if I am not careful. If I do not listen to the Spirit.
No, I could not be a creature of the dark because my essence was made by the Light. Because it is within my power to deny the dark power over my being. Because my All Loving Father has given me the choice.
I will not fail him.
It is the least I can do for Him. For all of my brethren. For all of my descendants. For myself.

NEED

2009-01-16T21:55:00.002-07:00

just finished the book Need by carrie jones and it made me want to read more of her books but idk if they're clean. But anywho, you should read it. And don't look too hard at the beginning and the fact that it has a normal girl going to a new place and the first guy she meets is automatically gorgeous.... just keep reading. and don't you DARE compare it to twilight. 'cause if you do you will die at my hands.... and fate's hands too.
so yeah, she's pretty hilarious, here's her website

quotes (inspired by Molly)

2009-01-06T21:04:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking about how Molly had posted some of her favorite quotes and I decided to follow her lead in a way and post a note on all of the quotes I've collected.

"It's not what they call you that matters, it's what you answer to." -W.C. Fields-

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." -Ralph Waldo Emerson-

"Ouch! My life." Estee Arts

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt-

"like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me"
"who needs air" by classic crime

"My cats protect me from evil"

"If Avada Kadavra turned Cederic into a vampire, what happened to fred?"

"I want it to rain the day I get married"

"Be careful what you say.. it may remind me a of a song that needs to be sung!"

"Find a place to stand and move the world."

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

"Ah music! A magic beyond all we do here."
-J.k. Rowling-

"I have loved the stars too fondly to fear the night"

"I believe in music the way some people believe in fairy tales"

"team jedwasmett; because choosing between edward, jacob, jasper, and emmett is torture."

" a tenor may make the girls swoon but a bass takes her home"

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world"

"Music can be enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime will not be enough for music"
-Sergei Rachmaninoff-

"A man that prays and loves God with his whole heart, is the man I want to spend all my life with"

all of these are from Pieces of flair I couldn't fit on my flair board.

"Some people want to be the sun in someone's life. I would want to be the moon in someone's life. So that I could shine through the darkness and remind them that the dawn will come."

"I do not want a sparkly vampire nor do I want to be one. I've read too many books with amazing guys to pick just one out of the fictional bunch. Besides, God can make a man that's way better suited for me than Edward Cullen."
-me-

"I miss you.. even though we haven't met yet."
-me-

"I have hear that winter's cold will give way to summer's warmth"
"salt in the snow" -classic crime-

little self pity, little randomness

2009-01-05T17:08:00.007-07:00

"I wish I knew what he was thinking when he looks at me and smiles."

I don't know where the quote is from, or if it's even worthy of a quotation.... but I saw it on Facebook flair, and it struck a chord. How can you wish something when you haven't even witnessed the thing the wish had supposedly sprung from? So, I rewrite the quote. "I wish I knew him, that when our eyes met, I could see his soul brighten in recognition of my own."......I guess that's a bit different than how the first quote was.... : P

Turning of the subject to something that is such a big part of myself.

My choir teacher has been so for the past two years. All of my choir teachers (I've had two : P ) have become very dear to me, and they both have influenced me greatly.

My choir teacher at present must be truly led by the spirit. He had us do an exercise to try and show the other students the concept of the overtone series. I am familiar with it (though I'm far beyond apt at the subject, I'm in his music theory class... and will probably fail the A.P. test come may :P ) so I just sat back and listened to a class of 164 students sing the overtone series, gradually getting more and more in tune.... Something happened... See, for so long I've wanted to listen to the pure tone of glory that is music.... I didn't realize that what I have been yearning for so long had a name.. or an explanation... But as I sit here explaining what happened today, trying to help you understand the.. completeness I felt in those moments, I find the words to describe what had been my deepest wish for the longest of time.
I have wanted, yearned for the perfect overtone series.... The ability to fill my lungs with air and to effortlessly (or close enough to effortlessly) slip into perfect harmony with those around me.. or the nature around me, actually. Today was something of a beginning. I sat there. My back was straight and supported. My shoulders lined perfectly with my neck and head.. My hips squarely set on my seat, that great space within her expanding and growing, my secret reservoir of breath. Following my teachers instructions I sang the octave of some note or other and listened to it blossom around me. The basses and altos holding the root of the chord, the tenors on the fifth, and the sopranos (that's me, second soprano)on the octave... What wonder took place in that room today... Though we struggled to get in key (we did just come back from break : P ) the glory was there.... The feeling of utter... connection. The feeling of being utterly.. whole, complete, connected end to beginning... what I would give to feel it around me once more.. To stand with my closest of friends and each of us slip into the overtones of some note... To feel that pull that comes from singing... Energy being pulled up from the very depths of your being of your own volition... oh glory be.. Sometimes, when I go somewhere removed from other human civilizations (even though sometimes they're no more than a few yards away : P )I let out a note... there was a place in Virginia in which I did this most.. I rarely do it here in this desert.. But in Virginia, next to the rapids of the creak.. The sound of its innate power and wonder released out into the air before me... I would let out a note.. I never truly did get it right.. But sometimes I got close and I would let out the note and it would fill me up.. Fill the air around me, twisting, sinuously joining itself to the sound of the creak and all of the life around me.... At least, this is what I had tried to do... I realize that now, I never did get the right note, never truly captured the sound of that magnificent example of nature... But I think I could have.. If I had friends, companions with me who understood.. and we could stand there... together... and each let out a separate note, a note that could combine with the creak's own natural overtone... That to me... would embody it's very spirit.. and in doing so give me a taste of something I have only felt in this life... I have felt a small portion of the spirit of water, rock, air, and fire. I have never been able to voice this feeling.. But if we could get it right.. if we could connect all of us to each other and to the earth around us.. I think we could give voice to their spirits.

hmph. silly? most definitely.

Void

2009-01-02T21:33:00.002-07:00

I feel a void opening inside of me. I don't know if it's hormones from being on my period soon or teenager angst.... but I feel it. The feeling can only be described as...inertia. An unstoppable force taking me forward. Something I cannot deny and cannot refuse...... No. That was all wrong. This void is nothing like that. It's like..... Standing outside while the snow falls. Your jacket and other clothes stop the snow from directly touching you. You can feel the cold and you can feel the moisture in the air... But you cannot feel the snow.. It creates such beauty all around you. It captivates your spirit and your mind. You watch it rush past you, your eyes are unfocused or you are looking at each snowflake as they fall in a profusion of glory. You want to reach out and touch it, but you know it will only be colder. And yet even as you try to reach out from you circle of warmth something stops you. Something is keeping you from moving to feel the little slices of ice melt on your fingertips. You stand without moving. You don't panic, that just doesn't seem like an option. You are trapped and you don't care because you know instinctively that no matter how hard you try, whatever is keeping you from touching the snow is stronger than your will or your heart. That, is what it feels like. It's pretty self explanatory so I won't bother elucidating.

I want to say that I feel him close today. Him being my unknown husband. I want to say I feel so close to him.... But my hormones are crazy right now. I don't know if what I feel is my body or the spirit using my body to tell me something. To let me know he's out there... Is this feeling real? This is the void I feel. The absence of knowledge. The not knowing if what I feel is real.... If what I feel is true... I stopped trusting my feelings on love long ago. Can someone become so different within a year? What is within me? What is it within me that is so afraid.. and when will I confront it? How can I trust myself after so much pain? At the time I truly thought I was being saved, thought that this was what love felt like. Now I know better.... But I don't think I could really trust myself until I was tested again... I need to be tempted to fall in love... and choose not to... or I will lose myself again.

Sister

2008-12-30T08:00:00.004-07:00

So my eldest sister is in town. She, her husband, and their child are moving from Texas to Alaska. Christine's husband has been sworn into the National Guard in Alaska. Makayla is the most adorable eight month old I've ever met.
Can you hear the "but" coming on? I don't know where I fit into my sister's new family. Plus, I don't completely trust her husband. He is not the type of someone that you meet and trust right at the first. Over the past few hours (they cam in around noon yesterday and are leaving this morning) I've grown to trust him a little bit more. But the thing is I think I know where I fit in with her family. I fit in as "The Teenager". This has never happened in my family. At least, not with my second eldest sister (and the closest sibling I have in age and in heart)and my mother. They both respect me and listen to me without dissing everything that pops out of my mouth as hormone ridden rubbish. My sister (the married one) only talks to me like that (or "teases" me of being a teenager and hormone ridden) when she and her husband are together. Or if she's talking with Mom. My sister is not very stable, mind you. She should be on medication... but she's not. She is better than she was a few years ago, but still.
I don't like being "The Teenager". I like being "Bitsy". We don't tease like that in my family anymore. Christine's "teasing" has always held an ounce of truth, making it hurt more than it causes laughs.
I just want to be "Bitsy".

5805 and The Moment I Said It

2008-12-27T18:15:00.002-07:00

songs of the day hahahah

This one is by Classic Crime and it's called "5805" why is that? I have no idea : P

Friends, I will keep you like trophies,
In my heart to remember how loneliness,
Was a faded dream on two hundred and nineteenth street.
We were more than just young, we were full of it.
And no one could touch us or take us in,
Watching the sunset from the roof,
We'd plan our next adventure.

I was 19 and young,
Thought I had it all figured it out.
The world was our oyster,
And we dove in to get the pearl out.

Now we are swimming in memories,
How we wish we could go back.

I've got a sneaking suspicion that
Hindsight only favors good vision.
But I'm not one to complain when it's all I dream of.
We were more than just useless and stupid kids,
The music it moved us, we shook our fists,
As we sang along at the top of our lungs.

Now we are swimming in memories,
How we wish we could go back.
We hold the hope that someday
We'll see the world again like that.
Like that,
Like that,
Like that!

Now we are swimming in memories,
How we wish we could go back.
We hold the hope that someday
We'll see the world again like that!
Like that,
Oh, like that!
Like that!
Yeah!

and this one is by Imogen Heap "The Moment I Said It"

I hadn't really realized what it was about 'til I looked up the lyrics. : P Now I know why I was drawn to it : P

The moment I said it
the moment I opened my mouth
lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me
I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Sadly things just happen.... we can't...... explain

It's not even light out,
But you've somewhere to be - no hesitation
No I've never seen you like this
And I dont like it, I dont like it, I dont like it at all

Just put back the car keys
or somebody's going to get hurt
who are you calling at this hour
sit down, come round , I need you now
we'll work it all out together
we're getting no where tonight
now sleep, I promise, it'll all seem better somehow
in time

It's not even light out
Suddenly, you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
mmm...I've never seen you like this
Your scaring me, Youre scaring me,
Your scaring me to death

Don't..oh, smash....please
Don't...oh.....and another one
Don't...oh.....and another one

I'm losing you.......I'm losing you

Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling
Trust me on this one
You're going to throw it all away
With no hesitation

Bye bye bye bye bye bye
bye bye bye bye bye
bye bye bye
bye

Folding Chair

2008-12-26T23:35:00.002-07:00

This song has been stuck in my head all day and I love it.

"Folding Chair" by Regina Spektor

Come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the sea is just a wetter version of the skies

Let’s get a silver bullet trailer and have a baby boy
I’ll safety-pin his clothes all cool and you’ll grafitti up his toys
I’ve got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget
I’ve got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
Yes, they do, they do

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.

Now I’ve been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide come in to take me home
I get scared, and I’m sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.

Maybe one day you will understand
I don’t want nothing from you but to sweetly hold your hand
Till that day just please don’t be so down
Don’t make frowns, you silly clown

Just come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the waves are just a frothier version of the skies

There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
There's a shadow, you can't see my eyes.

Christmas Eve : )

2008-12-24T20:21:00.003-07:00

So it's Christmas Eve
: D
I painted my finger nails (green with red polka dots). I've been spending my time with Becky. She's the best sister anyone could have, she knows me so well. I would not trade her for billions of dollars or thousands of books. I hope i will be able to find a man I will love just as much as I love my family and my Heavenly Father. The snow has been purely amazing. We tried to make an igloo, Becky and I, but we got tired too quickly and made a penguin and a snowman. I'll upload those photos later. I'm wearing my Christmas pajamas and asked Mom to put braids in my hair like she did when we were little.
I've been thinking about writing lately. Of course, I'm always thinking about writing or music but whatever. I was thinking about how a good author is a writer who can describe the ordinary in captivating ways. I don't know if I could really be an author. When I write it's only one feeling I'm describing in such dramatic detail and that alone takes so much energy out of me I don't know if I could write a whole book worth of it, let alone a short story. Now I understand what they mean about practice. If I practice writing in such vivid conditions I may be able to become so accustomed to it that everything I write would have that deep undertone of color and life.
I guess I'll have to keep writing in my blog huh?
MERRY CHRISTMAS! I LOVE YOU ALL!

sweet clothes and jewelry

2008-12-17T15:48:00.002-07:00

dude this stuff is SWEET! hahahahah

Letting Go

2008-12-17T15:10:00.005-07:00

So yeah, I have this guy-friend.... We have a really twisted history... I've been wanting to leave the friendship for a while.... But I couldn't because I felt obligated to be an example to him. See, he's left the church... and I've watched as his pain and hatred grows and spreads. His eyes have become more and more clouded and his sight has become twisted. His parents either do not see the pain he is in or do not know how to help him. They yell at him, tell him he should be more like his brother who has his own faults. He does not understand many things. This past year he has left the church, and I see how he hates what the church can do to some people. See some people follow the church, but Satan still has power over them. They do not love and seek to understand those they care for. Their minds become narrow and their hearts shrink into withered forms of what they once were. He does not see the inner joy and light that the gospel brings. He has had no one be the positive example for him. I have tried to show him the positive. I have tried to stay by his side and comfort him. I have tried to show him the light and the life that the gospel brings. I have not done a good job. I have shown him my weaker side, the side of me that falters from the Spirit late at night. I have been influenced by his need and his wants. I have let myself bend my standards in order to try to help him. I cannot fool myself any longer. I tried to tell him this. The words were not said correctly, the feelings influenced my thoughts and my words. My great ache for him to feel the love of the Savior kept me from hearing the Spirit. I could not explain to him what I meant. I could not tell him that I could not see him. I could not tell him that I wished I could show him the piercing light that brings so much joy. I cannot lift him up from the ground, to turn his eyes to the light that shines through any darkness. I have failed him as a friend. But still, I cannot harbor anger towards myself for this. What's done is done. When I told him I could not see him but could still talk to him online and such, he wanted to cut off all communication. I waited for his anger to pass. I wished so hard in those few days that he would not become so hard-hearted as to not understand.
I spoke with him again yesterday. I still cannot see him again. He said that he would come to my school today for lunch. He never showed, or at least I never saw him. This is by far not the first time he has done this. I have wanted to just leave this friendship behind me completely, to be free of the ties that make me sad when he does not follow the Spirit, for many weeks now. I am almost to that point. There is only a small part of me that still wants him to come back to the light.
But I know even years from now, if I ever think on him again it will be in a subtle ache that he would have known the glories of God. That he would have witnessed the Pure Love of Christ. That he would finally come back home to the church and find someone to marry faithfully in the temple.

If you ever read this, I'm sorry if even now I still do not understand you. If my words are pointless and my thoughts are frivolous to you.

Breath

2008-12-12T15:18:00.004-07:00

Constricting in my chest. I try to yawn, forcing the soft pallet up, trying to induce the action and failing miserably. I try once more, concentrating on my lungs, I force them to fill. I hope that it will happen. That moment I long for. The moment when a secret place inside of me seems to open up, the breath scoops down into my body and I am content. I feel the tension that builds in my neck, I lean my chin in my hand and twist my neck left then right. Two clicks to each turn, I try to breathe again. Once more, the second I get close to that secret, full breath my ribs freeze and I can't possibly get anymore air into me.
I feel as though half of my life has been spent on this struggle. If I stress myself out or don't get enough sleep I cannot breathe the next day. I cannot yawn.
I cannot breathe. Nothing is here, it gapes in front of me. I am desperate to breathe. Desperate for that secret place within me.

thoughts

2008-12-04T21:42:00.002-07:00

I think about life. How fragile it is. I heard once that it only takes three minutes without new breath to make a person die. I wonder if that is true. I think about all of the minutes that go unnoticed in my life. I can't beat myself up for that. There will always be a life that goes unnoticed, someone who dies alone.
Words crowd in my head now and I cannot find the words. They come into my head and they do not sound my own. They sound like the words of someone who hates life. Who does not understand their own place in life. I cannot think without music. I cannot think of such deep things without silence or music.
I want to be under the moon. To be out in a field of high grass with the night all around and forests in the distance. I want to look up and gasp with the ultimate glory of the night sky. Nothing will ever come close to that great tumult of light and dark. To find the same chaos and out of place calm that mixes within myself reflected back at me in such a grand scale. My heart will never be the same. I yearn for that night.

Beethoven

2008-12-01T18:51:00.005-07:00

He wrote some amazing stuff. (silence i think it's a piano concerto) (his fifth symphony which everyone knows, but i really like the first movement since that's all I've been able to get my hands on so far) (lacrimosa)

So basically I have nothing going through my head today. I think today is one of those input days, while most days are output days. Like today I want to read books but other days I want to... well.. sort of... well to be honest I want to write books. That urge has been stronger lately, the urge to write books I mean. Usually I just have a blip of a scene like in a movie or a wisp of a story line, but recently it's been more... detailed I guess. I've actually wanted to write about what I know, the pains I know, the fear I know, and even the joy that I know. The ultimate glory in life that courses through me only when I am connected to the Spirit or the earth which is always through the spirit... so I don't know. See that's the thing, I kind of hate it when I read books with a strong view of Christianity. Since I am so convinced that my gospel is the only true, complete gospel I find it hard to tolerate books that are built upon the very contradictions I don't believe in. I'm also afraid that if I read books strongly oriented in their own gospel of Christ that I will lose my own foundation. I guess another reason why I don't write about the Spirit is because I don't know a lot of things about the Gospel, but I know that it is true...
See I can describe the feeling, but I cannot describe the reasons behind it. Yet, I know the reasons... in my soul. See, that's where music comes into play. I think that if I learn how to sing well enough I would be able to express every part of it. But I can't. I can't write it, I can't speak it, I can't sing it, I can just... feel it. The Spirit... the feelings I get when my soul recognizes the truth of the things I read, the things I see, nothing. Nothing will ever.... Nothing will ever be great enough to encompass the shear glory of the moment in which the whole being is filled with the true realizations that come only from the Gospel of the Savior as taught by the Latter-day Saints of His church.
May my mother be forever blessed for joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
hahahaha oooh the joy.

There goes my head again

2008-12-01T17:48:00.002-07:00

My head is doing something... I can't quite place where I've felt this pain before.... It finally came to me while I was telling my friend about the awkward pain in my head. FAINT! One time, I almost fainted in dance class 'cause I hadn't been drinking enough water (as usual) so I spent like felt like forever sitting against the wall trying to keep my breathing normal. Yeah, so I don't have that vertigo that you usually get, but I have that awkward pain behind my eyes and other places that I can't detect. The pain behind my eyes is the only pain I can put words to.. the rest of the pain is in... well that's the thing, it's like a ghost pain and I can't figure out where exactly it is.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia this past year and although I was used to adapting to the pain, since I got on medication my body has made the transition and I felt the pain I had ignored for all those years for a small amount of time. Anywho, I don't really care about pain anymore, but dude, it feels funny.

Anywho I think it was just hunger that caused the feeling, since I recently ate cereal and am now finishing an orange. The pain is gone and I'm perfectly back to normal

Thanks Mills

2008-11-27T23:39:00.002-07:00

So I read Mills latest blog and I got thinking. What I would like to have at some point in my life is a big house. Off topic? hahaha no.
If I had a big house I could have all of my friends over. We could spend long winter days there, curled up eating foreign fruits and good things lol. Crabs and lobsters, pomegranates and grapes and oranges, venison and maybe some medallions (pork : P ). We'd eat amazing desserts like french silk pie and other delicious European sweets. We'd read books and listen to music and sing and play instruments. We'd laugh and argue and hug. We'd uplift and forgive one another more times than we could count. No one would be left out and we'd go on adventures discovering the beauty of winter outside in the trees and places that surround my house. We'd stay up late drinking hot chocolate and tea, watching the snow fall out in the dark.
A Christmas tree would be cut down and dragged into the great room of my house lined with windows with heavy drapes that were always pulled back. The tree would be placed in the center of the room. It's ceiling a great dome, allowing the tree to be as tall as we pleased. A great fresco painting would exist on the ceiling all of it leading to the center where a great flurry of stars would mass and explode outward. The top of the tree with its Angel Moroni would stand just below this. He would be at least a foot tall, made with the perfect metal so as to shimmer and shine for all to see. Christmas lights wrapped around the trunk and draped amid the branches would make it glow from within.
Old ornaments would be hung. Delicate ones of spun glass and porcelain. Wooden ones and woven ones. Ornaments recently made and ornaments handed down for generations.
They would all come from there many homes for one week. We would hide ourselves in the mountains for a while to remember the past and dream of the future.
Books would be stacked by chairs in great piles. Cd's and movies would be littered on tables.
The fire place would be on the opposite side from the front entry. It would be big enough to fit a grown man or two with a beautifully sculpted mantle decorated with pictures of families and cards from loved ones.
We would all come to spend a week in this house, and we would bring all of the decorations and new recipes to try out. We'd go outside on adventures the old fashion way with sleighs and horses and the like with dozens of blankets.
The front entry would be large enough to hold fifty people easily with rows and rows of shoe shelves and coat hooks. A great closet with snow shoes and ice skates brought to the house years ago and well worn from past visits would branch to the side. The walls would all be circular. The front door would be the height of two men. It would have panels of ornate carvings with figures from long ago. On the far side would be the door to the rest of the house. It would be unadorned and without decoration except for a great wreath hung from the top. All of it would be made from the wilderness outside with berries and winter flowers and pine boughs. Through this door you would enter into the great central room.
Its panels of glass windows would be lined with great couches and chairs. Some would face in and others out towards the glass. All would be luxurious in material and perfect in its comfort. For those tired of soft lounging chairs made of sturdy wood or beautiful stone would be interspersed. Great thick lap blankets or soft light throw blankets would be placed near each. A table would be on the other side. Between each setting would be a larger table of a variety of material. All would coexist beautifully in unexpected but wonderful combinations. Connecting wall to ceiling would be colored glass of all shades. The panels would be diamond cut and about two inches across and three inches long. Each would be a different color and there would be no order in its placement. After this the fresco would begin with the deepest black becoming a dark blue near the center that would be accented more and more with star and cloud.
The entry door would be facing West, the fireplace facing East. At North and South would be two french doors. The North made of a dark mahogany wood, the other with a pale, pale aspen. Each would depict in its carvings characteristics of its direction.
Behind these doors hallways branched off. Along these hallways doors would be placed leading into each set of rooms. The wall of the hallways would match the wood of their North or South entry doors. The doors along the hallways would each be individual and none would be similar in any way to the next.
Each occupant would be placed in a suite that matched their character well enough so as to make them comfortable.
These hallways would end in another door. This door would be taller and grander than all those in the hallway and would hold either a grand library on the North or a musical room on the South. The library would be magnificent in size and almost perfect in its knowledge, holding books on the technical things in life and also the unknown and fantastical. The music room would hold any instrument imaginable with hundreds of thousands of musical texts. Each would hold more chairs and couches for comfortable study or performing. At the opposite end of the library and music room would be another door.
These doors would either lead to the kitchens on the North side or the storage and cleaning rooms on the South. All of these rooms and suites would be circular in shape except the hallways ( : P ).
So you can think of this house sort of like a snowflake. There would be one grand circle holding it together with three branches coming from it. All of these branches would be like bubbles coming from it that would connect to more bubbles. So maybe not like a snowflake : P
Oh and each room would have it's own fireplace.
Oh and connected to the kitchen and such would be an underground tunnel leading to the barn where animals would be kept, though dogs and cats would be hugely welcomed in the main house.
Oh and all those who help take care of the house and everything in it would get big pay and be a part of the family.
I think we'll need more than a week to spend here... and maybe everyone could bring their families.... It's gonna be a big house.
I pray one day I will be able to build something like this.
This is the second house I've made up, but the other one wasn't nearly as good as this one.
Well, you're all welcome to come whenever you want.

Music

2008-11-27T16:03:00.003-07:00

So I'm kind of in love with music

"Something Told the Wild Geese"

Something told the wild geese it was time to go
Though the fields lay golden something whispered snow
Leaves were green and stirring
Berries luster glossed
But beneath warm feathers something cautioned something cautioned frost

All the sagging orchards
Steamed with amber spice
But each wild breast stiffened at remembered Ice

Something told the wild geese it was time to fly
Summer sun was on their wings
Winter, winter, winter in their cry

I love this song. I sang it in the choir I sang with in middle school. I've been thinking of it lately, trying to remember the tune during the orchards and remembered ice. I've been humming it lately along with

"Carol of Joy"

Green leaves all fallen, withered and dry;
Brief sunset fading, dim winter sky.
Lengthening shadows, Dark closing in…
Then, through the stillness, carols begin!

Oh fallen world, to you is the song—
Death holds you fast and night tarries long.
Jesus is born, your curse to destroy!
Sweet to your ears, a carol of Joy!

Pale moon ascending, solemn and slow;
Cold barren hillside, shrouded in snow;
Deep, empty valley veiled by the night;
Hear angel music—hopeful and bright!

Oh fearful world, to you is the song—
Peace with your God, and pardon for wrong!
Tidings for sinners, burdened and bound—
A carol of joy! A Saviour is found!

Earth wrapped in sorrow, lift up your eyes!
Thrill to the chorus filling the skies!
Look up sad hearted—witness God’s love!
Join in the carol swelling above!

Oh friendless world, to you is the song!
All Heaven’s joy to you may belong!
You who are lonely, laden, forlorn—
Oh fallen world! Oh friendless world!
To you,
A Saviour is born!

Hearing this song in my inner ear is more powerful than any song I have ever sung. The beginning makes me think of families. Mothers and daughters and lovers and children; our tender ones crying out in pain at the death of a loved one. And then, oh the glory of the sound, the sound of hope that rises up above the earth to caress the heart of God. The thought of the same voices that moments ago have lamented and wailed are now listening to the angels sing in all their glory, proclaiming joy. It is truly magnificent.

The sky is a pale gray today. The wind that comes in through the window is cold. Bare branches shoot out into the pure gray. (String Quartet No. 3 in D Major, Op.44/1: II. Menuetto: Un Poco Allegr) Ghosts of images are building in my mind. Swimming around this music. It takes shape in my inner eye. A white stag. Antlers tall and majestic. He stands in a valley. The sky above him is filled with low brooding clouds that cut the surrounding mountains in half. The grass beneath him is dead with frost. He turns and begins to make the climb up. Soon he is there. He disappears in the clouds that cling so tightly to the mountains.

What?

2008-11-26T14:42:00.002-07:00

I wake up late since I have no place I have to go today. No one is home. Suzanne is probably out picking up Mom from work.
The news is on. Breaking news. Seventy-eight people are known to be dead. Terror washes over India. The attackers are targeting people with British or American passports. Luckily, no Americans are known to be dead. How could the news reporter say that? Now, he didn't say "Luckily" but that's what it felt like when he said it. Seventy-eight people are dead, but so far none of them are Americans so it's okay. Now, I'm not saying that when anyone is killed the U.S. Government should step in and "take care of it", but why is it not as bad just because no one from our country is dead? Why can't we, as humans, care? Why can't we do all that we can to help those two-hundred people who are injured? What would give me hope is the news person announcing that a group of people have banded together and are on their way right now to try to do something good in Mumbai.
But no one is.
No one will do anything until there are some dead Americans. Is that the only thing that will make us do anything good for anyone, dead people?
I thank the people out there in Mumbai who are taking pictures and sending in videos to the major news companies. At least they are getting the word out about the horror of human anger.
May I search for a way to make a difference in this world, not because people are dieing, but because people are living and they deserve better.

Old one

2008-11-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

So while I was setting this blog up I was looking through my drafts in my email and poof, I glanced over some old stories I wrote forever ago and a line from one of them caught my eye. "I hold life in my hands." A memory rushes to fill my mind. Sitting at the computer as I do now, expressing my feelings in the only way I know. Music and singing is a way to do so, but it is not enough. At least, not for me. Writing has always been the only way I have been able to find an outlet for the feelings I don't, and sometimes can't, share with anyone. So here, in this blog, I will share some of those feelings.

I hold life in my hands. It's my first step to such a bright future. I thought such light and happiness was in my future, but i never realized that at some point it would have to start seeping into my life. I laugh at myself now... I have been such a fool in this life. I'm going to let myself have happiness. Just because it has been long in coming doesn't mean it was never going to come, or that i was going to go through high school without it. One thing is still with me, the fear that it will not last. Every time this fear rears its gruesome head it seems false. But I cannot deny it. It will keep me in its grip for a while yet.