Collision of Seasons

I want to be a collision of seasons. I want to be those snow flakes and vibrant red leaves careening toward each other like destiny. I want to feel the pull of the wind and let it take me to where I want to go, to where I need to go. There are two constants in this metaphor. I'm the leaves, changing into the future. God is the wind, picking me up and carrying me away. The one that changes is the snow. Sometimes it's love. That bright, shining, lustrous snow-love that brightens the darkness. Sometimes it's the future filled with challenges and beauty and glory.

Today, it's that snow-love.

When I see him, I want to feel the collision of seasons. I want to feel as I did today looking out my window, staring into that soft and harsh world of change and breathtaking... destiny. I want to feel that rush of realization. The realization that here is where I'm supposed to be for the time being, but it's not my future. That there is something more, and that something is staring me right in the face.

To look him in the eyes is what I've wanted for a long time. But now I have become determined. I will not let my self loathing stop me any longer. I will teach myself to forgive myself. I will remember my worth and embrace it. My worth will never change, no matter what I do. No matter how many mistakes I have made.

So I will go forward into that whirling vortex of snow flake and leaf. I will improve myself and help others in their lives as long as Father wants me to. I will live with the hope. The hope of those leaves and snow flakes. The hope that maybe, in that expanse of universe, there is someone careening toward me as I tumble toward them. That maybe, we'll meet soon.


And I'll see the color of his eyes.