A while ago I thought up the seasons in categories. Spring for transition; summer for pain and trial; fall for peace; and winter for growth.
But I don't think my autumn will be for peace.
I think my autumn will be a time when everything depends on nothing.
I get to go to therapy soon.
Sometimes I wonder if I need it.
But I am wondering about everything, nowadays so I guess that doesn't really count.
At least I have been able to reaffirm my faith in His Existence.
In His Grace and Kindness.
Even if I question His love.
If I have a hard time loving myself, how can one such as He love me?
I have the irrational notion that if my mother dies, I lose her love. If I leave, I lose her love. My bad qualities will be exploited, just as they are with everyone else in the family that is out of the house.
You can get so annoyed with someone you do not see everyday.
Who you cannot see and converse with to reaffirm their goodness and happy things.
When someone is near you, they remind you of their light. But when you are far away, no one gets to say how wonderful you are, and so they only speak of your characteristic failures.
If I move on with my life, will the same happen to me?
Will my family forget how to love me?
I am sure that the only reason why I see goodness in myself is because of my family.
How am I to keep that goodness so far away from them?
Do you see what I mean?
I question and worry about everything.
All because I so strongly fear.
That is the legacy that I am left with.
That is all that is left from the past.
I have lost everything to the turmoil in my mind.
Expect the fact that God exists.
That He is my God and King.
And that even now, in this inner turmoil of questioning every thought in my mind to find if it only exists because the fear my past has taught me, I will strive to obey him, to follow his promptings.
Indeed, everything depends on nothing.
